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I'm not a BM (yet) but...

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:56 PM
  • 22 Replies
1 mom liked this

I think that if I were, I would absolutely abhor the idea of another woman trying to act like mom or make decisions for my child.

I am too much of a control freak.  In fact, when my DH and I have discussed the idea of having kids of our own, I've actually told him that we're going to do it my way or we're not doing it because I truly do not approve of some of his parenting decisions/ideas.  I feel like he and BM have infantalized the kids to some regard.  They're babied and they don't have a good sense of responsibility, manners or work ethic that are very important to me. 

I would absolutely flip my shit if there was a SM in my (imaginary) child's life who elected to go get her a vaccination or a hair cut or get her ears pierced without my consent. I would FLIP OUT.  

I think this is the main reason why I don't find myself overstepping a whole lot.  I can just imagine being in someone else's shoes.  But it's also the reason why I've been kind of mortified/surprised in the past when BM seems so willing have me take care of kid stuff for her kids.  LIke when they're sick or need to go to the doctor or whatever.

On the one hand, I guess I could take it as a compliment because Lord knows, I'd have to have a LOT of confidence in someone to trust them to take care of my (imaginary) child.  

I wonder if SMs without kids of their own think about it from this angle much or if it's always about them/DH?  

I would be a horrible horrible BM in a divorce situation.  Sad to say, but I am realizing that more and more the longer I'm a step mom.

I would SUCK at it.  I'd be someone's worst nightmare.  Truly.


by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 2:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:03 PM

 i def agree with this.. i try very hard not to overstep because i would hate it done to me!!! none of my kids dads SO's have ever overstepped. i cant imagine what that would be like.

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:11 PM

Gawd!  I shudder at the idea!  I would be awful.....

I'm thinking maybe its because I know the dos and don'ts of step parenting?! 

LovingMy2x4
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:14 PM

I think I might be too, if Im being honest. 

My kids have a SM, but they barely see their Dad. So she has really no part in my kids lives. But if someone tried to up-stage my Mama-ness, I would not be too happy.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:14 PM



Quoting saywhat2102:

Gawd!  I shudder at the idea!  I would be awful.....

I'm thinking maybe its because I know the dos and don'ts of step parenting?! 


But there really aren't a hard and fast set of rules with step parenting.

That's the problem.

If there was a rule book, it would be so easy!  But there's not.

What works in some situations wouldn't be okay in others.

A lot of the things that I do for the kids (that BM is okay with) would NEVER be okay with me with my kid.  

CodeBlue
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:16 PM
I feel the exact same way. I would definitely be mama bear. I know myself too well. Ha! This is why, even though I don't agree with or even necessarily respect BM and her choices, I don't overstep. I'm very, very careful.
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CodeBlue
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:16 PM
I feel the exact same way. I would definitely be mama bear. I know myself too well. Ha! This is why, even though I don't agree with or even necessarily respect BM and her choices, I don't overstep. I'm very, very careful.
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Zaticia
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:23 PM

I have thought about this quite a bit in my life actually.  My mother still will not talk about any feelings she's ever had of my SM.  On the otherhand, as soon as I turned 18, my father let his opinions and experiences fly about his thoughts of my mother and SF - where he kept them silent until that point.

It's gotta be hard to watch someone else help raise your kids.  I sympathize, I really do.  But in the end IMHO, you've got to look at it from the stand point that there are more people to love your child and if the original parenting plan (BD and BM together) didn't work out, just be glad that the SM or SF aren't evil people (hopefully).

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, as we all know (or should know) on this board boundaries must be established.

Some situations occur because that was not done in the beginning.  I, for one would know how I would want a stepmom to be for my imaginary kids and I would make damn sure she knew it.

There is no rule book, that's true and no situation is the same either. 

I, for one would NEVER EVER do what my stepson's mom has done but, hey that's just me.  God forbid my husband and I were to ever divorce with a child between us.  The stepmom would know exactly where I stand.

 


Quoting Birdseed:

 

 

Quoting saywhat2102:

Gawd!  I shudder at the idea!  I would be awful.....

I'm thinking maybe its because I know the dos and don'ts of step parenting?! 

 

But there really aren't a hard and fast set of rules with step parenting.

That's the problem.

If there was a rule book, it would be so easy!  But there's not.

What works in some situations wouldn't be okay in others.

A lot of the things that I do for the kids (that BM is okay with) would NEVER be okay with me with my kid.  


 

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:36 PM
Not sure I could be with someone who didn't have similar parenting styles as me.

I think as a child I would feel smothered if my mom/dad couldn't even trust the other parent in the home to do for me. Especially if I was held to the same 'my way or no way' standards as everyone else.
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 3:39 PM

I'm starting to think you're some sort of alter-ego, lol.  I agree 10,000%.  That's really the reason I'm so able to just let go sometimes.  The SKs aren't my kids, and it's not difficult to try to put myself in BM's shoes with regard to someone else calling the shots for what is mine.  I'm not a BM yet either, but I'd be one serious bitch to behold if another adult - any other adult (and particularly one I didn't invite into my kid's life) - took it upon themselves to dictate a medical, educational, or body-altering decision for my kid. 

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