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Not totally sure,

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 4:46 PM
  • 17 Replies

I'm new here, and I have a 9 year old step-son. He is the only child. His father and I have been friends our entire lives, and 4 almost 5 years ago we decided to take it farther, At that time we had Xander one week a month, due to the distance between us, and the fact that we had a one bedroom apartment. So when Xander came down he wanted to sleep with dad and I and he was 5 at the time. But we had talked and thought that it would be better to have him sleep in the living room on a pull out. Which lasted like 2 months and I found a 4 bedroom house, which is where we are now, But ever since I moved in and he was no longer allowed to sleep with dad. He has resented me, yells at me for things. Then 6 months later, I here a knock at the door and go and open it and there stands my step-son with 3 small trash bags full of clothes and crying. His mother no where to be found. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me that he was going to live here from now on, and that his mommy made him take all his toys and give them to the kids down the street. So I rushed him into the house and we have had him every since, His mother had only seen him 4 times from the time she dropped him off and talked to him on the phone maybe a handful of times, sadly she passed away this past august " right after school started"  He still talks about her as if she is still here. Is there anything I can say or do to try and have a relationship with him? He don't  like me, Never has. He has always held me to blame for anything that has ever gone wrong. He has blamed me for his mothers death, He has blamed me for his mom and dad never being together, I would love to have a relationship with him. and try and make some peace in our family home. With out being yelled at all the time or being tattled on for things that I havent done. Any advice?

by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 4:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 4:55 PM
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Counseling for sure! Your SS has been abandoned and now he has also lost her for good with no chance of getting his mom back. As far as him loving you, let him talk to you be his friend. Remember you are the woman who took his dad. Of course I know you didn't really but his us probably how he feels about you. Family counseling on top of individual counseling for SS.

Also, your DH needs to step up when it comes to your SS treating you that way! He shouldn't allow SS to disrespect you in anyway.
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ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 4:57 PM
Also don't expect to have a relationship right now. Just let DH take lead unless you absolutely have to handle something and hen let DH know as soon as possible what happened. With some counseling your SS will come around, but it will take time. Besides there's no telling what BM told SS about you before she abandoned him.
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 4:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Counseling.  He has quite a bit to grieve for, and it sounds like you're just an easy scapegoat for all of it.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:00 PM

He definitely needs to be in counseling if he is not in it already.

He's going to blame you because he has no ties to you.  My DD16 does not like my ex's new GF.  She lashes out at her because she cannot take shit out on ex.  So, the next person in line is the GF/SM/etc.  It's not right, but that is what is happening.  Your DH needs to not allow your SS to disrespect you. 

cherylam
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:00 PM

I agree with Ramita... this kid needs counseling.  For anger issues, seperation issues, for bonding issues...you have a long hard road ahead, but it'll be worth it.

rebeccasmly
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:04 PM
1 mom liked this
Counseling. Also, don't try to force things. Be his friend first. This child has been through extremely traumatic events. But definitely get him into counseling so he can learn to heal and direct his anger in a healthy manner.
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Lizzy12679
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:05 PM

Not completely sure what all she said to him, I know she was telling him that she was going to move down here and move in with us. Then he would have his mommy and daddy together. But other than things like that not real sure what she told him. As far as him talking to me, He won't, If he is not yelling at me or demanding something he wants nothing to do with me, my dh stepping up and doing something comes far and in between. He sleeps usually when Xander is at school and then gets up about the time he gets home, But some how I am the one that gets the raw end of the deal. Like today Xander come home from school, and I told him there was no soccer practice due to the snow the coach cancelled it until Thursday. Well that made him mad, and he told his father that I forced the coach to cancel because I don't want him to do anything. I tried to explain to my dh how I said it, and he told me to just stop it and leave it be. So my ss was all smiles and giggles after that. 

Lizzy12679
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:07 PM

I agree on the counseling thing. I have been trying to get my dh to do it, But he won't all I hear is that his son dont need it. I call and make appointments and either dh wont take him or grandma steps in and says its normal child behavior.  

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:14 PM
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So make an appointment for yourself and go.  You can't force your DH to take your SS to counseling if he doesn't think there's a need, but there's plenty that you can learn from a counselor to help you cope with the situation at home.  S/he may even be able to help you better reach out or your DH such that he recognizes your need for his support.  It doesn't sound as though he's standing up for you when SS is blaming you for things. 


Quoting Lizzy12679:

I agree on the counseling thing. I have been trying to get my dh to do it, But he won't all I hear is that his son dont need it. I call and make appointments and either dh wont take him or grandma steps in and says its normal child behavior.  


 

Lizzy12679
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 5:24 PM

No he doesn't, and unfortantly when it comes to me taking him to the doctors or anything, I am not listed on any paperwork. So I have to have my dh with me or my dh's mother.  I only have permission to take care of things that envolve the school. No my dh don't stand up for me, because in his famous words he doesn't want to cause a fight. So he just lets his son go, and then his mother just says that it is all normal child behavior and that every child in the world acts this way. My concern is that I don't think he completely understands that his mother is gone and not coming back, The day we told him he never cried, and hasn't to this day. Could that be because of denial or because of her leaving him like she did, but he doesn't want to be mad at her because she is mom. Then the grandmother does not help with his coping of anything, when she is constintaly dogging out his mother and telling him that she didnt want him and this that and the other, 

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