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BM – do you have a friend that is a SM?

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 10:48 PM
  • 27 Replies

BM – do you have a friend that is a SM? If so, does she ask you for your opinion about her involvement with her step kids? Does she ever ask you, “In your situation would you be okay with this?” Do you ever bounce your ideas of, what your SM should and shouldn’t do, off of them? Do you take their experience into consideration when dealing with your SM (ie : are you more understanding/sympathetic with your SM, because you know what your SM friend goes through)? Do they appreciate your BM perspective? Do you appreciate their SM perspective?

 

SM – do you have a friend that is a BM only? If so, do you ask her for her opinion about your involvement with your step kids? Have you ever asked her, “Would you be okay if your SM did this?” Do you ever ask her what she feels a SM should or shouldn’t do? Do they ever ask you about your experience as an SM? Do you think they appreciate your SM perspective? Do you appreciate their BM perspective?

 

I’m not trying to imply that a BM can’t be friends with a SM (or vice versa), and I’m not saying you should let someone else’s idea control your situation or how you raise your children. I’m just curious to know if you have friends in the opposite situation and if you ever give each other advice or opinions regarding your different situations.

by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 10:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:04 PM

I am both bm and sm and I have friends who are only bm, only sm, and are also both.  Yes our families are discussed and we will ask opinions - did i overstep, i am being unreasonable, what should i /can i do.  Any one who knows me IRL knows not to ask if they dont want the truth.  I wont be rude or confrontational about it (though I apparently come off as snarky in my typing- i blame lack of inflection lol)  but I will say well maybe you can do this or maybe next time approach it like this.  Example- my cousin is a bm only- in a granted crappy position that I wont go into detail about but she got herself very worked up and took a hard ground on something that in the long run was going to reflect poorly on her (shes in the middle of a court battle)  I told her as kindly as I could that she needed to take a step back, take a breath, and find a solution she is willing to work with rather than stomping her foot and saying no. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:12 PM
2 moms liked this
I have both. I am only a BM most of my closest friends are not divorced. In fact both of my very best girlfriends have been married to their husbands for 16 and 20 years. They give me marriage advice.

I have friends at work they are SMs. We bounce ideas off of each other. I have one friend that does everything that makes me cringe but I don't say anything to her. She'll figure it out the hard way. She has been a horrible BM to her ex (he has now passed away) and she is a horrible SM. but that is just my opinion. She is jealous on both ends. She has to have control on both sides. We are co-workers. We aren't much more bc I want to slap her mostly.
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saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm an all alone stepmom. All my friends are either single or married. I love them all and they love me and my family. I'm blessed.

Now, on here I'm friends with both bio moms and stepmoms.

**eta** I'm the only damn one out of the group that doesn't have a child of my own lol. Outcast I am lol
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packermomof2
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:39 PM
I have a sister that is a SM. No, I don't do that. No, she doesn't do that.
orcawhales98
by Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:49 PM

I wish I had friends that understood what it was like to have to deal with a BM as a SM.  I am a BM my self and I have a lot of friends that are parents but none that are divorced that have gotten remarried.  That is why I came on this site to help me deal with exh and BM.  I would love to have friends that I could bounce ideas off of and see different points of view.  Since I am a BM and SM I try to look at every angle of the sit.  Like if I did something with skids how would I feel if I had a SM doing that with my biokids.  But it is always nice to get other points of view on things.

CodeBlue
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 11:57 PM
I'm SM only and I have a friend who is BM only. I used to listen to her talk about her ex's girlfriend and the things she would do (call me mom, call my parents grandma&grandpa, want him at her house for Christmas -- after like 2 weeks of dating his dad!!).
I'm glad to have her perspective of what she considers overstepping. But, she moved and we don't keep in touch much.
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pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 2:11 AM

I have a friend with two ex's and two kids.  One of her ex's is remarried.  My friend is not.  She has a hellishly nasty SM situation.  Just like I have learned to be a less bitchy angry BM because I see myself reflected in how DHs ex treats him, she has learned from hearing me talk about BM how to see herself differently.  And because I am a SM, and she likes me, she is less generalized in her SM hate these days.  Se still has a terrible situation, but she has learned to be less angry about it and in turn has been better able to help her DD deal with her SM.

sort of like the gay debate.  That once you know someone who is gay, it is harder to simply dismiss and demonize gay people in general.

i need to go to sleep.  Not making sense anymore.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 5:30 AM
I'm a bm only and some of my closest friends are both bm and sm... We talked about it are views can be pretty different so we generally stay away from the topic...
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:34 AM
One of my best friends is a BM only, I don't ask for advice since I don't do anything with SS, we discuss what DH does and we always disagree with him on how he gives BM money. My girlfriend knows my situation is a disclaimer one since she knew BM assaulted me.
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painNtheazz
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 7:07 AM

 

Quoting progressandjoy:

 

BM – do you have a friend that is a SM? Yes. If so, does she ask you for your opinion about her involvement with her step kids? Yes. Does she ever ask you, “In your situation would you be okay with this?” Eh, it's more like "in your sitch, what would you do with this?" Do you ever bounce your ideas of, what your SM should and shouldn’t do, off of them? When she asks for my opinions, yes. Do you take their experience into consideration when dealing with your SM (ie : are you more understanding/sympathetic with your SM, because you know what your SM friend goes through)?Yes.  Do they appreciate your BM perspective? Yes. Do you appreciate their SM perspective? Yes.

 

SM – do you have a friend that is a BM only? No. If so, do you ask her for her opinion about your involvement with your step kids? Have you ever asked her, “Would you be okay if your SM did this?” Do you ever ask her what she feels a SM should or shouldn’t do? Do they ever ask you about your experience as an SM? Do you think they appreciate your SM perspective? Do you appreciate their BM perspective?

 

I’m not trying to imply that a BM can’t be friends with a SM (or vice versa), and I’m not saying you should let someone else’s idea control your situation or how you raise your children. I’m just curious to know if you have friends in the opposite situation and if you ever give each other advice or opinions regarding your different situations.

 

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