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What scares me most...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 46 Replies

I'm a CSM of two, who I love with all my heart.  Their BM has visitation scheduled once a week (verbal arrangement, not specified in the CO), but most of the time she doesn't want to see them.  My skids call us both "mom" but honestly they are emotionally closer to me.  Their BM was never maternal, and of course her kids love her, but they know that their home is with me and DH.  Half the time they don't even want to go to BM's anymore b/c she is constantly turning down her weekend to see them.  My biggest fear is this: My DH is a police officer (the only reason I made this post anonymous btw).  What if he were killed while on duty?  I worry about losing him and losing my skids constantly.  I know that DH has legal custody and I don't have any real legal rights to my skids if he were gone.  They would automatically be handed over to the BM.  I can't imagine her even wanting to take over physical custody of them if that were to ever happen, unless it were to try to get money from me.  I also sit here and worry what it would do to my skids, to lose their dad and their home in one big swoop.  I know I'm being paranoid, but I don't know how to get over this fear, and I don't know if anyone else can relate...  Is there anyway to prepare for something like this happening, like you would a will?  And what can and cannot be enforced in this situation?

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:50 AM

Oh heavens. No, you cannot "deed a child". Especially not if a (living and involved) bm does not consent.  And since it is such an issue, I imagine you anticipate her not consenting.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 26, 2013 at 3:54 AM

It's just a nightmare scenario altogether.  I have to stop worrying.  But realistically, it could happen.  Ugh, I am scaring the crap out of myself.  Btw, she is not involved, unless you count once a month or so seeing them for one night?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:01 AM
3 moms liked this
We have custody of my cousin now due to his mom passing away. Its a long story but we documented every visit that his dad skipped and what happened when he did take him ( we hadccustody of him for the first two years if his life after he was born the he went back to his mom). It was a battle but with a good lawyer and aol the documents we got custody.

Its set up a similar way for my dd. If I pass she goes to her sd due to her dad's "lack of interest". Now her dad could come back and try to take her from her sd if something was to happen but at that point her opinion would be taken into consideration and the courts would have to shuffle it all out. We still to this day take notes on every visit, text, call, gifts, facebook status, pictures, and things that dd says have happened. I am not taking any chance of him getting custody of her!
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:05 AM

That is great advice!  I am going to start tracking when she takes them, and what they do when they are there (basically they tell me they only spend a few hours with her during the whole day they are gone).  Also, they are teens now, so perhaps their wishes will be considered as well.  Although I hope they would never have to be in the position to choose!!!  I'm a worry wart, can you tell?  LOL

bi-polarmommy
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:09 AM
1 mom liked this

 if it scares you that much, talk to a family lawyer, document everything bm does/does not do for/with the kids, and see if dh can have a living will that states in the event of his demise, kids go to you

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 26, 2013 at 4:11 AM

I also have proof that she pulled my DH's gun out and put it to her head in an attempt to kill herself in front of the kids.  DH stopped her -- thank god for his training!  She spent a few weeks in a hospital after that.  One reason she does not have custody in the first place...

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:23 AM
1 mom liked this
Which means she IS involved, she sees her kids. She IS a parent. And you cannot change that with a will.

SMH.

Do you have kids of your own? Do you realize how sick it is to try to deed a child or try to take away parental rights because you don't agree with the level of involvement? My ex is ncp. If I die, he is next in line with dd. not dh.

I can't imagine bm would like the concept of deeding her daughter. If I felt strongly about staying involved, I would cultivate a relationship with her.


Quoting Anonymous:

It's just a nightmare scenario altogether.  I have to stop worrying.  But realistically, it could happen.  Ugh, I am scaring the crap out of myself.  Btw, she is not involved, unless you count once a month or so seeing them for one night?


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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:47 AM
You could always buy her off. She sounds like the kind of person who would go for something like that.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:51 AM
If she has not given up rights to her kids PRIOR to dad's death, why would she do it AFTER?

Despite your disdain, she IS involved,
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 26, 2013 at 6:53 AM

There are other reasons beyond level of parental involvement, including stuff I have not mentioned. Please read my earlier responses (her putting a gun to her head in front of the kids, etc., contributing to why she doesn't have custody in the first place). Also, I know you cannot deed a child in a will. I was asking what preparations I could make if a situation were to occur so I can plan for the future wellbeing of the children. Their safety and mental wellbeing is important to me. And honestly, if anything were to happen I anticipate their BM will probably try to negotiate my keeping them if I paid her enough. You really have to understand the type of BM I am dealing with to understand I suppose.


Quoting chanizen:

Which means she IS involved, she sees her kids. She IS a parent. And you cannot change that with a will.

SMH.

Do you have kids of your own? Do you realize how sick it is to try to deed a child or try to take away parental rights because you don't agree with the level of involvement? My ex is ncp. If I die, he is next in line with dd. not dh.

I can't imagine bm would like the concept of deeding her daughter. If I felt strongly about staying involved, I would cultivate a relationship with her.


Quoting Anonymous:

It's just a nightmare scenario altogether.  I have to stop worrying.  But realistically, it could happen.  Ugh, I am scaring the crap out of myself.  Btw, she is not involved, unless you count once a month or so seeing them for one night?



 

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