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bm wants to personally "inspect" our home....Added exact phrasing of demand

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To make sure it's good enough for ss. Reasons why this is not okay with me....

A) this woman has been homeless with ss couch surfing. He has a bed here
B) this woman had been improsoned mulitple times over the period of ss's life for times spaning one night to 2 weeks. Lets go inspect that "home" she kept :)
C) Bm is prone to causig a scene and getting violent as proven by her track record. I dont want her in my home around My child.
D) Bm has kept Dad completely out of the loop of where his son his and now wants all rights to be a nosey bitch. She even went as far as lying to dh about skipping state so he couldnt see ss.

This is my vent but now I need a legit way to tell dh all these reasons so he can tell his lawyer that its going to be a big fat NO for that home inspection done by bm.



Before some of you go off on me bm and dh dont have the friednly kind of relatuonship where she can just come over to "hangout" at our house. And yes Im taking this as a personal attack on how I keep my house for my own child, who has a higher ranking in my heart. Sorry bm





Added! So Im going to copy and past the exact words her lawyer sent dh's lawyer.

"c. Mom visits dad's residence to make sure it is OK before Dad takes child to his residence."

This is after she is reguestong the max time dh get is 6 hrs a week with no over nigts after spending 3 weeks supervised. Dh has never done anything to warrant supervision or such little time. She is being unreasonable in my opinion. This is still just their proposal, nothing has been court ordored yet
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Replies (31-40):
feliciasmith
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:29 PM

 I know it's irrelevant but they were Never married. And it's Dad that doesn't trust Mom here, it's tough shit though either way. She has no right to tell us how to keep our home.


Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.

 

Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.

 


Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 

 



Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.

 



 

 


 

 

 


 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:30 PM

 i think those situations are rare. its usually to be nosy. its unreasonable, period. unless he has a nasty house and its obvious or a history, there is no reason why BM needs to come in dads house. if dad says ok then hey no problem but if dad says fuck no, as my SO would, then obviously BM cant come in.

Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.

 

Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.

 


Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 

 



Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.

 



 

 


 

 

 

 

 
        
         

pepper504
by Gold Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:30 PM

BM has not stepped foot in my house, nor does she need to.  DH has not been inside BM's house nor does he want to.  I do not see why people need to *inspect* the OP's household.  It's not like the OP has a say in the OP's household that they are *inspecting*.

Melina74
by Melina on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:30 PM


Quoting jlg12678:

No. Period.

Neither you nor your dh have a criminal history including either abuse or neglect of a child. You have never had CPS called on you.  There is no reason for her to personally inspect your home. If an inspection would be required by a court of law (as in not bm requesting it) you will welcome a non-partial third party into your home.

There is no reason for someone who is already biased regarding your husband having any visitation to be doing a personal inspection of your home.

I would firmly state all of the above to a lawyer.

This 1000 times. 

pepper504
by Gold Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:32 PM

Another reason to be careful with who you spawn with, just sayin'. 

I never married my ex and I trust him and vice versa. 

Quoting feliciasmith:

 I know it's irrelevant but they were Never married. And it's Dad that doesn't trust Mom here, it's tough shit though either way. She has no right to tell us how to keep our home.


Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.


Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.



Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 




Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.













Rae706
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:35 PM

BM and DH were never married either and I understand in your situation. I probably wouldn't let BM in my house either, although I would cosider it. I agree that she has no right to tell you how to keep your home, to an extent. I wouldn't want my child living in filth, anything further is none of her business. 


Quoting feliciasmith:

 I know it's irrelevant but they were Never married. And it's Dad that doesn't trust Mom here, it's tough shit though either way. She has no right to tell us how to keep our home.


Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.


Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.



Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 




Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.














Rae706
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

Yeah, for sure. It definitely isn't something that can be/should be forced, I just don't think it should always be ruled out as a "fuck no". I know there are some situations where that is an appropriate response, but excluding special circumstances, I don't see it as that big of a deal. KWIM?


Quoting faerie75:

 i think those situations are rare. its usually to be nosy. its unreasonable, period. unless he has a nasty house and its obvious or a history, there is no reason why BM needs to come in dads house. if dad says ok then hey no problem but if dad says fuck no, as my SO would, then obviously BM cant come in.

Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.


Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.



Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 




Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.










 



faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:37 PM

 lol i want to add BM has never asked to inspect our home for her kids but she sure did get butt hurt we let the other BM come over (for an event for her kids) and that she wasnt invited to my baby shower (we arent friends and hardly know each other) NO ma'am!!!

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:39 PM

 right. but those of us with a strong reaction to it most likely have an unreasonable or "not all there" BM to deal with. if all was cool then there would be no reason to comment.

Quoting Rae706:

Yeah, for sure. It definitely isn't something that can be/should be forced, I just don't think it should always be ruled out as a "fuck no". I know there are some situations where that is an appropriate response, but excluding special circumstances, I don't see it as that big of a deal. KWIM?

 

Quoting faerie75:

 i think those situations are rare. its usually to be nosy. its unreasonable, period. unless he has a nasty house and its obvious or a history, there is no reason why BM needs to come in dads house. if dad says ok then hey no problem but if dad says fuck no, as my SO would, then obviously BM cant come in.

Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.

 

Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.

 


Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 

 



Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.

 



 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
        
         

feliciasmith
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 1:40 PM

 I would consider it also, But bm is a bitch and lies and is violent and can kiss my ass =]

 

Seriously though if dh and bm were on polite terms I'd let her have a walk through the living room to the kids room and maybe invite her to stay for dinner.  Even though it's completely unnecessary


Quoting Rae706:

BM and DH were never married either and I understand in your situation. I probably wouldn't let BM in my house either, although I would cosider it. I agree that she has no right to tell you how to keep your home, to an extent. I wouldn't want my child living in filth, anything further is none of her business. 

 

Quoting feliciasmith:

 I know it's irrelevant but they were Never married. And it's Dad that doesn't trust Mom here, it's tough shit though either way. She has no right to tell us how to keep our home.

 

Quoting Rae706:

Maybe BM doesn't trust dad, they are divorced after all. BM isn't asking to come over on a regualr basis. She wants to come once, with a headsup. That gives SM and DH plenty of time to prepare, clean up, whatever. I don't see the harm in leeting her see the place once just to settle her mind. 

As for your comments about BM needing to get over BF having a home with SM, I don't think the two are related. Maybe in some situations, but I'm sure there are just as many where BM legitmately just wants to know what kind of environment her kids are in. 

I think it would be fair to let her do an "inspection" and the for dad to do his own.

 

Quoting SnapIt:

Thats not trusting the father and its truly being controlling over a household thats not BMs

She should trust that the child will be cared for properly. All she needs to know is if the child has a room and a bed. There is no reason for a mother to check out the home of the father
She lives in her place and thats her place to judge.
Its also disrespectful to the wife or SO of the father
Thats crossing her domain.
That is a great reason on why a mother shouldnt be inspecting.

Again, its all about being controlling and being nosy
Shes just has to get over the fact that her home life with the father has ended.

She can always wait to be invited but to step up and want to, is childish and immature.
If the childs life is not in danger to her knowledge, go visit a neighbor or family member.

What does she want to inspect for? To complain what father doesnt have/supplying in the kids room. What color the walls are? What kind of bed is the kid sleeping on? Not child proofed enough? Not enough lighting? Stairs are dangerous?
Gmab

Whos house is it? Hers?
Uh no
Quoting Rae706:

No, but I didn't have SD with DH. BM did. I don't think the request, in a normal sitch, is crazy at all. Seems legit.

 


Quoting SnapIt:

Did anyone inspect your home when you had kids with him?



Did you get an ok that it was a good enough place to raise your child?



Who inspected your home when you brought home your baby?



Its ridiculous. Its being nosy

A mother doesnt have to go to the fathers house to inspect or to have a say if its good enough. She doesnt control daddy anymore or his life and mommy is going to have to get over it.




Quoting Rae706:

Really? I mean I get that there are extenuating circumstances in this specific situation, but in a normal situation, you couldn't understand a BM wanting to know where and what conditions her child was in? 

 



Quoting PumpkinSpice8:

A flat out NO would be my answer. There doesn't even need to be a "good" reason. People don't have the right to invade someone's home because they want to.

 



 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

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