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panic attack at stepdaughters sweet 16

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 250 Replies

i am a very calm, respectful and quiet person. not aggresive at all!  for my sd sweet 16  i knew that i was going to feel uncomfortable but i usually am when i visit her and i am always able to hold my composure around their (sd and her mom) rude behavior.  for her bday we payed for 90% of the costs and we also had to travel for the party.  when we got to fl, 3 days earlier my sd never called her dad and only saw him at the rehearsal once.  the day of the party i spent all day at her family house cooking and i was with my MIL.  her family got home at 2pm and wanted to talk and have a drink with us which we did. we ended up leaving the house at 4 giving me only 2 hrs to get ready (3 kids, MIL and self).  made it on time for party anyway.  when the party started i started to notice that my husbands role was very minimal. fine thats just the way the ceremony was meant to be. then a slideshow of her and important people in her life started to show, my oldest came up once(boy), my 2 other kids never. i felt sad because my son got excited when he saw his pic but my other kids were waiting to see themselves in the bigscreen with her and it never happened.  then for the candle ceremony 16 of the most important people in her life were called to hold the candles.  my children and i were never called, i figured its ok, there was just not enough, however, 1 person called was the decorator of the banquet hall--- 1 was the wife of a cousin who just last year was creating drama in the family, i have been in her life for 10 yrs. I still figured ok, but after analizing  everything in my seat and seeing my kids i started to feel sad and that it was wrong. as the night went on i noticed her not looking for her siblings and i just relly felt that i was not supposed to be there, like nobody wanted my kids and i there and that everybody was just staring at me.  i kept saying my serenity prayer even textin it to my sisters who always help me get through these things but it wasnt working. started to get teary eyed and my husband asked me to dance with him and i did thinking it would help, it didnt. when dinner was served i couldnt event taste it. my husband immidiately knew there was something wrong.  at some point he tells me that i should change my face because it was his daughter night and we cannot ruin it. i texted my serenity prayer again and he noticed and asked why? i was not able to calm down and he later asked if i was going to let this be something that could ruin our marriage. My heart accelerated and i could no longer even think correctly, lost train of thought, vision, had extreme headache and breathing fast. went to restroom and was able to calm down. we left shortly after that. on the way to the hotel i ventilated to him as to y i was like that and he couldnt understand.  the morning after my MIL had talked to him and expressed her feelings which were very similar to mine. he later apologized and we have not argued about anything since then. its been a year and he wants to go to visit again, i dont know if i am ready yet or if i should ever put myself through that again.  

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
itzasmommy
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:28 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm very sorry. You font deserve that treatment unfortunately she's a teenager with a rude mother. You are better than her and now its up to your SD to choose her path. Either she will be respectful or rude like her mother. Good luck.
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amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:36 PM
He hasn't seen his child in over a year?
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lnr187
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:38 PM
2 moms liked this

 i would send dh alone. you should not have to go through that again, but dh should see his daughter.

kristinbugg
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 10:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly, you sound very immature and jealous.

The party wasn't about you or your children. The party was about SD and celebrating a milestone birthday for her. You really didn't have a reason to get upset and act the way you did. I'm sure other people picked up on the fact that you were having a pity party for one.

Why should SD feel obligated to chose you as an important person in her life, if that's not the way she views you? Why should SD include pictures of your children in HER slideshow? After all, the point of the slideshow was to showcase SD'S life, not to shine a spotlight on your children.

Why hasn't DH visited his daughter in over a year?
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Pinot
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:16 PM
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That IS sad and I think you should allow yourself to feel hurt and disappointed. Grieve the life that you had hoped for ALL your children.  Also, allow yourself to be PISSED. It was rude. It is sad. It is heartbreaking that she doesn't appreciate all the work you put into that party. It is upsetting that she didn't show some level of respect for your effort within her life. I am sorry.

To end on a positive note, I try to always learn from the past. I believe in my heart that someday the goodness that you show your children and your husbands children will circle back around when they are older and wiser...........and not so influenced by others.

I would plan the trip as a family but I would make it so that you are not intending to center everything around her. That gives too much power for her lack of respect or attitude to impact you and your family. It will lead to disappointment if she does not reciprocate. 

I would plan a family vacation some place fun like Disney World or Universal Studios and invite HER to join YOU, that way it is on neutral grounds and allows everyone to do things at their own comfort level and make it fun, but don't go into her (or her moms) territory. Get creative.

kristinbugg
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:24 PM
1 mom liked this
Or, how about Dad actually be a PARENT and make time to spend with his daughter? Visitation is for the child to spend time with NCP, not for NCP's spouse and her children to be the center of attention.

I'm sure that Dad can handle making a trip to spend time with his child all by himself. It's most likely better for Dad to go alone, as SM acted so immature at SD's party. SSD is just as entitled to quality time with her father as SM's children are. It sounds like SM will just be an interference to the time that SD deserves with her father.


Quoting Pinot:

That IS sad and I think you should allow yourself to feel hurt and disappointed. Grieve the life that you had hoped for ALL your children.  Also, allow yourself to be PISSED. It was rude. It is sad. It is heartbreaking that she doesn't appreciate all the work you put into that party. It is upsetting that she didn't show some level of respect for your effort within her life. I am sorry.


To end on a positive note, I try to always learn from the past. I believe in my heart that someday the goodness that you show your children and your husbands children will circle back around when they are older and wiser...........and not so influenced by others.


I would plan the trip as a family but I would make it so that you are not intending to center everything around her. That gives too much power for her lack of respect or attitude to impact you and your family. It will lead to disappointment if she does not reciprocate. 


I would plan a family vacation some place fun like Disney World or Universal Studios and invite HER to join YOU, that way it is on neutral grounds and allows everyone to do things at their own comfort level and make it fun, but don't go into her (or her moms) territory. Get creative.


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OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:42 PM
I totally get this as I had a similar experience and I'll never ever put myself in a position like that again. It was an awful experience for me and yes, I know it wasn't about me but it was important to DH that I was there.

I feel for the op but I don't have any advice. Dh should have made sure sm and siblings were included. It was a deliberate, public snub not to include them and its one if thise things that are not hard to do. Sounds like dh was barely jncluded, except for paying for it. So the sd really publicly dissed her dad and he seems fine with it.

I'm curious as to what the realtionship is with DH and his daughter. Does he only see her once a year when the whole family, sm and sks can visit?
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kristinbugg
by on Mar. 26, 2013 at 11:53 PM
Why?

Why should SD be forced to include SM and SM's children in SD's party?

The party wasn't for SM and her children. It was for SD. It was SD's special day. Why should SM and her children be allowed to take it over? If SD wanted to include them, she would have.


Quoting OvrMyHead:

I totally get this as I had a similar experience and I'll never ever put myself in a position like that again. It was an awful experience for me and yes, I know it wasn't about me but it was important to DH that I was there.



I feel for the op but I don't have any advice. Dh should have made sure sm and siblings were included. It was a deliberate, public snub not to include them and its one if thise things that are not hard to do. Sounds like dh was barely jncluded, except for paying for it. So the sd really publicly dissed her dad and he seems fine with it.



I'm curious as to what the realtionship is with DH and his daughter. Does he only see her once a year when the whole family, sm and sks can visit?

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:14 AM
3 moms liked this


WHy are you being so mean to this SM who is so hurt at the way her SD and DH treated her?  She worked very hard to make the party for SD nice and wasn't even given any thanks, was ignored, and treated rudely?  SM is a part of SD's family too as are the step-siblings!   Why can't you see that SMs are parents too and have real feelings?  

Quoting kristinbugg:

Honestly, you sound very immature and jealous.

The party wasn't about you or your children. The party was about SD and celebrating a milestone birthday for her. You really didn't have a reason to get upset and act the way you did. I'm sure other people picked up on the fact that you were having a pity party for one.

Why should SD feel obligated to chose you as an important person in her life, if that's not the way she views you? Why should SD include pictures of your children in HER slideshow? After all, the point of the slideshow was to showcase SD'S life, not to shine a spotlight on your children.

Why hasn't DH visited his daughter in over a year?



Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 27, 2013 at 12:19 AM
3 moms liked this

Forced to include SM and her children?  What a ridiculous and immature thing to say!  SM helped pay for the party and besides that SHE IS FAMILY AS ARE HER CHILDREN!!!!  Of course, SD should be "Forced" to include them if need be.  That is simple, decency in good manners.  No one should ever have allowed SD to play the Paris Hilton role and exclude SM in such a way.  SD acted like a spoiled brat in being allowed to shun her SM and step-siblings in the video, etc.  The DH wasn't much better because he did not stand up for his wife.  What an awful thing to say to SM about her ruining the marriage!  I'd have walked out of the party and let him explain my absence!


Quoting kristinbugg:

Why?

Why should SD be forced to include SM and SM's children in SD's party?

The party wasn't for SM and her children. It was for SD. It was SD's special day. Why should SM and her children be allowed to take it over? If SD wanted to include them, she would have.


Quoting OvrMyHead:

I totally get this as I had a similar experience and I'll never ever put myself in a position like that again. It was an awful experience for me and yes, I know it wasn't about me but it was important to DH that I was there.



I feel for the op but I don't have any advice. Dh should have made sure sm and siblings were included. It was a deliberate, public snub not to include them and its one if thise things that are not hard to do. Sounds like dh was barely jncluded, except for paying for it. So the sd really publicly dissed her dad and he seems fine with it.



I'm curious as to what the realtionship is with DH and his daughter. Does he only see her once a year when the whole family, sm and sks can visit?



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