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RELIEVED WHEN SD GONE :-/

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 11:57 AM
  • 8 Replies
Background :SD use to.live with me, DH, and DS for 2 years. In January she moved back with my inlaws who.have guardianship (DH ok with it and mil told us she's never relinquishing it). SD has come over maybe 5 times since she moved. When here she stays in her room majority of the time. I've gotten use to it and don't try to get her to come out or force myself on her.

When she does come she doesn't do anything. She use to help out when she lived here now she seems to have an attitude anytime she's told to pick up after herself. Mainly when I say it which is rare. DH and I argued Thursday about my relationship with her and his complaints were that I don't try yo engage with SD. I initiate ALL conversation and activities. SD chooses to be short with me or just answer questions without any additional conversation on her part. I told DH I don't know what he expects me to do. The child doesn't like me I am mean I mistreat her I don't show her love. SD again is only here 1-1 1/2 days when she comes. Maybe once or twice she's been here the full weekend. And guess who is the one to blame? Me!!

I can't have a 10yo run my house. I told DH that he and DS have bonded so well because he has always been here and doesn't have someone interfering with their relationship. Mil clearly wants to be SD mom figure and has been the devil since 2009.

I know it's mean but I am relieved when she goes back because I don't have to deal with SD until the next time. My DH acts so concerned but IMO should be working on his relationship with his DD. AND making effort to bring us back together. If he's not doing anything why should I? I feel I should blend with them from the sidelines but not be that parent I tried to be. DH has no control over anything to do with SD. I want my marriage to work but I want to see DH make changes. If not our life will be miserable. I think when he understands I am not the only one who needs to make changes things will.be better but until then, it will be a divided home when SD is here.

What would u do???
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by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 11:57 AM
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Replies (1-8):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 12:23 PM
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Do you realize that she is 10? Lol welcome to preteen drama. Most of what you say is normal for her age. Add in the fact that she goes back and forth and her grandparent is her guardian, the child has issues. I've never known any child to not have issues with abandonment and anger especially when there is an absent parent and being raised by a grandparent.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 12:24 PM
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Oh.. And at 10 years old, it's highly unlikely your husband is going to change the type of parent he is. He has had 10 years to be the parent he is and it's not going to change.
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 12:28 PM
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I would step back and disengage from SD but I would demand DH engages actively with his child when she is here or she stays with her guardian.

singlemom416
by Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 8:50 PM

Your sd and mine sound like two peas in a pod. My sd lives with her mother out of state. When sd was down for Christmas it was very stress full. It started out great but sd would not speak to me unless i spoke to her first and she was always very short. Sd wouldnt even stay in the same room with me if dh wasnt there. She followed him around like a puppy dog. I know she missed him but damn,she waited outside the bathroom door. She wouldnt make eye contact and she never used any ones name the entire time she was here,she didnt even call my dh dad. The child is 16 and acts like she is a 4 year old who has been mistreated. We love her but when she left it felt like a weight was lifted. In sd defense her mother has bpd and has but the kid through hell and i really think sd may have bpd herself or is at this point conditioned by it.

Ksterling02
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 9:13 PM
Yes preteen and teen years scare me.my DS 11 changed alot over the last year..attitude, talking back ALL THE TIME, etc. Unfortunately this has been this way since she moved in with us in 2010. The previous yr she was with mil and she was fine most visits. After a few "come to Jesus" meetings with me, DH, and inlaws things seem to have gone downhill. SD has lied about me numerous times. SD and DS know things are sour with inlaws. They barely acknowledge DS but expect me to have the same bond with SD like DS. DH and IL have to be held accountable too not just me.

My life is just like SD's. I was raised by my gma while my dad raised my stepsister and half sister. I know all about resentment and feelings of abandonment. Did not have my mom in my life at all, just like SD. I gave my all from the beginning of DH and I's relationship 6 years. She was always treated like my DS but once mil showed her true colors and DH heeled like a dog, I disengaged. DH,mil, and SD didn't like it. But my and DS peace has been sabotaged! He sees all the mess and comments on it. I divert the conversation. Anywho..really just want peace and it's sad I feel it when part of the family is gone


Quoting momof2ex1:

Do you realize that she is 10? Lol welcome to preteen drama. Most of what you say is normal for her age. Add in the fact that she goes back and forth and her grandparent is her guardian, the child has issues. I've never known any child to not have issues with abandonment and anger especially when there is an absent parent and being raised by a grandparent.

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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:33 AM
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Quoting momof2ex1:

Oh.. And at 10 years old, it's highly unlikely your husband is going to change the type of parent he is. He has had 10 years to be the parent he is and it's not going to change.

I disagree to some extent.  My SDs were that age when I met them.  Neither Mom nor Dad had very many age appropriate expectations of them in my opinion (and in the opinion of the counselor we ended up seeing).  Dad had a lot of post divorce guilt and wanted everything to be fun and easy for the kids.  I think what made him want to change to some extent was when I made the point that he was really doing his kids a disservice by not teaching them manners, responsibility, boundaries, etc.  He has definitely changed his parenting over the years and BM has followed suit.  So it CAN happen.  SDs are 13 and 15 now and things are a lot different.  That said, they lived with us 50% or more of the time.  So we had a lot more time with them to affect change.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:40 AM



Quoting Ksterling02:



When she does come she doesn't do anything. She use to help out when she lived here now she seems to have an attitude anytime she's told to pick up after herself. Mainly when I say it which is rare. DH and I argued Thursday about my relationship with her and his complaints were that I don't try yo engage with SD. I initiate ALL conversation and activities. SD chooses to be short with me or just answer questions without any additional conversation on her part. I told DH I don't know what he expects me to do. The child doesn't like me I am mean I mistreat her I don't show her love. SD again is only here 1-1 1/2 days when she comes. Maybe once or twice she's been here the full weekend. And guess who is the one to blame? Me!!



I know it's mean but I am relieved when she goes back because I don't have to deal with SD until the next time. My DH acts so concerned but IMO should be working on his relationship with his DD. AND making effort to bring us back together. If he's not doing anything why should I? I feel I should blend with them from the sidelines but not be that parent I tried to be. DH has no control over anything to do with SD. I want my marriage to work but I want to see DH make changes. If not our life will be miserable. I think when he understands I am not the only one who needs to make changes things will.be better but until then, it will be a divided home when SD is here.

What would u do???

OP, if your DH only sees his daughter for a few days per month and has very limited control over decisions related to her, I can understand why he'd not want to pursue modifying her behavior.  Fear.  Fear of seeing her even less.  At her age, I bet SD "knows" this on some level and leverages it--consciously or not.  She KNOWS what the rules used to be for her in the house.  You both know that she's capable of doing things because she used to do them.

While I think that it's reasonable to continue to have some basic expectations of SD as far as picking up after herself, I can also understand why Dad doesn't want to push it.  I think he's doing her a disservice but I get it.

To be honest, if she's there for such limited times, I don't think this would be something that I as a SM would push.  You're talking about a few days per month.  I think that were I in your shoes, I'd let DH pick up after SD and just take a step back on the discipline/parenting and just try to engage in a more fun way.




momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:40 AM
With that said and I can agree with that, he has to want to change. You mentioned therapy, dad has to want to do that in order for it to happen.


Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting momof2ex1:

Oh.. And at 10 years old, it's highly unlikely your husband is going to change the type of parent he is. He has had 10 years to be the parent he is and it's not going to change.

I disagree to some extent.  My SDs were that age when I met them.  Neither Mom nor Dad had very many age appropriate expectations of them in my opinion (and in the opinion of the counselor we ended up seeing).  Dad had a lot of post divorce guilt and wanted everything to be fun and easy for the kids.  I think what made him want to change to some extent was when I made the point that he was really doing his kids a disservice by not teaching them manners, responsibility, boundaries, etc.  He has definitely changed his parenting over the years and BM has followed suit.  So it CAN happen.  SDs are 13 and 15 now and things are a lot different.  That said, they lived with us 50% or more of the time.  So we had a lot more time with them to affect change.


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