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new baby at home

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:42 PM
  • 35 Replies
After a few years of trying my husband and I brought home our baby boy only 10 days ago.
We have his daughter every other week. Well yesterday she came back to us, and since the moment she walked in the door she's been asking to hold him every 10 minutes (and I usually let her) and follows me around everywhere! I can't shake the shadow.
She is a sweet girl. Just turned 12. And obviously loves being a big sister.
I have 2 issues here.
1. Sd doesn't have any friends, her best friend is her mom and dad. Her dad loves it. Wants to be more of a friend then a parent. And now that baby is here she is always around! She has turned into a mom. If he fuses she's right there in my bubble holding his hand. If I do anything there she is! She practically sits on my to pet him when she isn't holding him. I have a hard time with this because while I love her, I never bonded with her and I have never liked her in my space. I'm nice to her and give her her own space and want mine back. Baby also doesn't need 2 moms. I am his mom. She is a sibling that wont back off or have anything else to do to keep her busy. She tries to tell me how to do things abdominal to be careful and this and that and I know this as I am an adult. I just feel like such a mean person because I wish she would just go away or stay out of my area. But I can't get over it.. couldn't before, really can't now.
#2. My husband, her dad. My mom is here helping and since my sd came back to us every time my mom goes to give my husband the baby he hands him off to my sd. He works all day and hasn't had hardly and time to bondd with baby and now he just gives him off to make his first baby smile. He's always been like that, will do anything to make her smile. I got over it before but now he is not binding with our baby and it is really making me mad. It makes me so mad that I then take the baby back after a bit and go into our bedroom. He says I'm deciding who holds the baby and when and I don't have the right to do that. He's right really but I've been very possessive as this is my first baby. I'm irritated because my sd wants are still coming before mine, his and now our baby . He doesn't understand my side or agree. I have no idea what to do. I love my husband and I love my baby and I feel most terrible that I love our week when sd isn't here as we dont fight then again we are very happy with each other.
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by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 2:42 PM
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:08 PM
Yikes!! I have a feeling that if SD was your own biological child, this would not bother you so much. My dd and my son are extremely close. She was 7 when he was born and has been mommies little helper for 5 years. Every day when she came home from school, while I was on maternity leave, she would go straight to him and want to hold him for hours. She was just extremely fascinated by her baby brother and that has not changed in 5 years. She is like a little mother hen. And quite honestly my husband gets annoyed by it. I feel it is because she is not his child and doesn't have the same feelings for her that he does for our son.

As far as your husband, he is tired. You've been home all day but he's been working all day and he may need some down time before the baby is thrust in to his arms. My husband needs down time. He needs a soda a snack and a smoke before he can function in the home. I allow him that time and then he jumps in and is hands on deck. He is going to work all day long and probably getting little sleep. You have someone that is helping you during the day while you are getting little sleep. Give him a break.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:09 PM
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Have you told him all this in tactful terms?
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:13 PM
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Also, you say you are very possessive of this baby. Not healthy at all!! This is not your husbands first baby. So it's not as fascinating to him. He's been there done that. I was the same with my second. I don't love him less but I was more relaxed and allowed for help and just accepted the way things are. With my first everything had to be perfect and go my way. It also had to do with my very young age. By you taking the baby and going to your bedroom, you are acting very immature. Allow your husband to bond how he wants to and how he knows how. You say she is only there every other week. He has to split his time between two children. You do not. Next week when she is gone he can spend more one on one time. But when she is there, he has to figure out how to focus on both kids AND keep you happy. That is not an easy task. Obviously he can't go off in the bedroom and be with you and baby while his child is there. He has to be there for her too.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:18 PM
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First, congratulations on your baby boy.

Next, I think you should thank your lucky stars that SD12 is excited about the baby and not resentful.  It really could be worse.  To address your points, me in red below.


Quoting llacourd:

<snip>Well yesterday she came back to us, and since the moment she walked in the door she's been asking to hold him every 10 minutes (and I usually let her) and follows me around everywhere! I can't shake the shadow.  <snip>
 
And now that baby is here she is always around! How is that possible?  She just got home yesterday?
She has turned into a mom. If he fuses she's right there in my bubble holding his hand. If I do anything there she is! She practically sits on my to pet him when she isn't holding him. I have a hard time with this because while I love her, I never bonded with her and I have never liked her in my space.  She's not being a "mom", she's an excited kiddo.  It's like getting your first Nintendo.  The novelty will probably wear off after a few days.  if you don't want her in your space, then ask DH to plan some activities for her.  Or ask her to do things that would be helpful that get her off your lap.  Like folding a blanket or setting up a diaper or something.  Give her something constructive to do.
#2. My husband, her dad. My mom is here helping and since my sd came back to us every time my mom goes to give my husband the baby he hands him off to my sd. He works all day and hasn't had hardly and time to bondd with baby and now he just gives him off to make his first baby smile.  Maybe because he realizes she'll be gone next week and he'll have plenty of time to hold baby then?  Frankly, I think it's pretty wise to keep SD 12 excited and make sure that she feels like she's a part of this big exciting thing in your home--because if she didn't?  She could really be making life hell, feeling resentful or left out, not wanting to come over, etc.
He's always been like that, will do anything to make her smile. I got over it before but now he is not binding with our baby and it is really making me mad. It makes me so mad that I then take the baby back after a bit and go into our bedroom. He says I'm deciding who holds the baby and when and I don't have the right to do that. He's right really but I've been very possessive as this is my first baby. I'm irritated because my sd wants are still coming before mine, his and now our baby . He doesn't understand my side or agree. I have no idea what to do. I love my husband and I love my baby and I feel most terrible that I love our week when sd isn't here as we dont fight then again we are very happy with each other.

It sounds like you didn't really have a good relationship with SD before, feel frustrated/jealous of the relationship that she and your DH have and would generally rather that she not exist.  

On the one hand, I can understand feeling like that from time to time.  On the other, I think that if you feel like that the majority of the time, it's sad.  For you, for SD, and for your DH.

It's pretty normal for a first time mom to feel possessive of baby based on what I've seen with my friends and such.  But from your post, it doesn't sound like you have a problem with your mom or DH handling baby.  You just don't want SD to.  And you want to direct DH's time with baby.

Maybe you could kind of reframe this in your mind.  You've got a DH who has a good relationship with his first child.  That bodes well for him having a relationship with your new baby.  You've got an SD who is excited about having a half brother.  If you teach her well now, you may have a great baby sitter to rely on when the time comes. Trust me, there will be some times when you will appreciate having an extra set of hands.  This may be a great bonding experience for you and SD.

Pretty much everything that you've mentioned are issues that aren't TRULY about SD but about you and DH.  I think I would try to focus on that.  SD hasn't done anything really WRONG.  That's pretty normal sibling behavior.  It's like getting a new puppy or a new game or anything else new--exciting!!

Honestly, I'd count my lucky stars.  My SDs at that age were pretty averse to the idea of DH and I having a child together.  So perhaps I'm biased.  


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 3:22 PM
Great advice!!


Quoting Birdseed:

First, congratulations on your baby boy.

Next, I think you should thank your lucky stars that SD12 is excited about the baby and not resentful.  It really could be worse.  To address your points, me in red below.



Quoting llacourd:

<snip>Well yesterday she came back to us, and since the moment she walked in the door she's been asking to hold him every 10 minutes (and I usually let her) and follows me around everywhere! I can't shake the shadow.  <snip>
 
And now that baby is here she is always around! How is that possible?  She just got home yesterday?
She has turned into a mom. If he fuses she's right there in my bubble holding his hand. If I do anything there she is! She practically sits on my to pet him when she isn't holding him. I have a hard time with this because while I love her, I never bonded with her and I have never liked her in my space.  She's not being a "mom", she's an excited kiddo.  It's like getting your first Nintendo.  The novelty will probably wear off after a few days.  if you don't want her in your space, then ask DH to plan some activities for her.  Or ask her to do things that would be helpful that get her off your lap.  Like folding a blanket or setting up a diaper or something.  Give her something constructive to do.

#2. My husband, her dad. My mom is here helping and since my sd came back to us every time my mom goes to give my husband the baby he hands him off to my sd. He works all day and hasn't had hardly and time to bondd with baby and now he just gives him off to make his first baby smile.  Maybe because he realizes she'll be gone next week and he'll have plenty of time to hold baby then?  Frankly, I think it's pretty wise to keep SD 12 excited and make sure that she feels like she's a part of this big exciting thing in your home--because if she didn't?  She could really be making life hell, feeling resentful or left out, not wanting to come over, etc.
He's always been like that, will do anything to make her smile. I got over it before but now he is not binding with our baby and it is really making me mad. It makes me so mad that I then take the baby back after a bit and go into our bedroom. He says I'm deciding who holds the baby and when and I don't have the right to do that. He's right really but I've been very possessive as this is my first baby. I'm irritated because my sd wants are still coming before mine, his and now our baby . He doesn't understand my side or agree. I have no idea what to do. I love my husband and I love my baby and I feel most terrible that I love our week when sd isn't here as we dont fight then again we are very happy with each other.

It sounds like you didn't really have a good relationship with SD before, feel frustrated/jealous of the relationship that she and your DH have and would generally rather that she not exist.  

On the one hand, I can understand feeling like that from time to time.  On the other, I think that if you feel like that the majority of the time, it's sad.  For you, for SD, and for your DH.

It's pretty normal for a first time mom to feel possessive of baby based on what I've seen with my friends and such.  But from your post, it doesn't sound like you have a problem with your mom or DH handling baby.  You just don't want SD to.  And you want to direct DH's time with baby.

Maybe you could kind of reframe this in your mind.  You've got a DH who has a good relationship with his first child.  That bodes well for him having a relationship with your new baby.  You've got an SD who is excited about having a half brother.  If you teach her well now, you may have a great baby sitter to rely on when the time comes. Trust me, there will be some times when you will appreciate having an extra set of hands.  This may be a great bonding experience for you and SD.

Pretty much everything that you've mentioned are issues that aren't TRULY about SD but about you and DH.  I think I would try to focus on that.  SD hasn't done anything really WRONG.  That's pretty normal sibling behavior.  It's like getting a new puppy or a new game or anything else new--exciting!!

Honestly, I'd count my lucky stars.  My SDs at that age were pretty averse to the idea of DH and I having a child together.  So perhaps I'm biased.  




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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Bump
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 6:10 PM

I think  your feelings about this baby you tried so hard to have are perfectly natural. I wouldn't be comfortable with any 12 year old handling my baby, give her a little bonding time but the baby isn't a toy and the child should be told that. This is your baby, you are in charge and you can tell anyone to back off, just as any other Mom.

MamaMoopsie
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 6:57 PM
1 mom liked this

I've been there. My SD has always lived with us the majority of the year, only going to see her mom for the summers and we alternate Christmas and Spring Break. So when my first baby came along I was kind of possessive and hated having SD in my bubble. So I would tell her, "Honey, I know you want to see your sister, but you're invading my space. Can you back up a bit?" When she'd try to tell me how to take care of my baby I would say "Yes, I know. I'm her mother, not you." I was gentle but firm. You need to be as well, instead of harboring this irritation and anger towards your SD you need to just let her know where the boundaries are.

As for your DH, he's not choosing your SD over the new baby, but he's making sure that SD and baby have a bond as well and there's nothing wrong with that. Embrace SD and her desire to be a good big sister, because that's a bond both children will benefit from. This isn't a "MY BABY" vs "YOUR BABY" situation, she knows he's your baby, but once you put up the bubble boundaries then at least some of the irritation will ease. It probably won't go away completely. I sense that you're feeling like she's breaking up your happy little family, but the thing is she is PART of you happy little family. Your DH will bond with your son, so if he holds him a little less during the week SD is there, then let it be. No one will suffer from her holding him and DH holding him a little less.

destiny83
by on Mar. 30, 2013 at 10:12 PM
2 moms liked this

You're stressed right now. Don't let your stress get the better of you because having your DH's daughter want and welcome your son is the best thing you could hope for in a blended family.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 30, 2013 at 10:57 PM
A 12 year old? Really? I could see this being good advice for maybe a 7 year old but 12? My daughter is very good with children. While I am not sure i would want her to carry the baby around, sitting down and holding a new born is easy peasy. This SM is just jealous that her husband is allowing his daughter to hold the baby. She wants all of the attention on her and the baby and it's pretty obvious that she would rather SD just not be there.


Quoting leegirl_jm:

I think  your feelings about this baby you tried so hard to have are perfectly natural. I wouldn't be comfortable with any 12 year old handling my baby, give her a little bonding time but the baby isn't a toy and the child should be told that. This is your baby, you are in charge and you can tell anyone to back off, just as any other Mom.


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