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Needing Advice on an Important Decision about Kids Living in our Home...Is 6 too many for us?

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This is one of my first posts here and I am a bit nervous asking for help but my family has an important decision to make and I need advice.

From the beginning...I have three kids of my own and now three more from my husband who I married in 2011. We have been together for five years and all six kids have lived with us for three. We brought them into our home when his ex decided she didn't want to deal with her life anymore and took off to lower WI with a boyfriend. She returned six months later and has been a big part of their lives. We get along for the most part except I know she wants them back full time and sometimes takes it out on me. The criticisim is a pain. I work full time and it drives her crazy. Funny thing, she's younger than me.

Well, the kids have all been driving eachother and us crazy. We live in a small 3 bdrm home and we have three boys in one room and three girls in the other, seeing as they are getting older this is getting much harder. I work evenings so my husband is the one who gets them off the bus and helps them with homework etc...reciently he started school again himself to get a degree in Auto Mechanics and things are going well except the girls are super clingy to him and the little boys are getting into everything, he has a hard time getting his work done. My two oldest are teenagers too and just started sports and dating. My youngest was just abandoned by his father (he moved away without telling any of us) and I feel like he is being neglected too. I can't change my shift because there isn't anything available. I'm starting to think my stepkids just need to go back to their mother. We don't get child support from her and I'm struggling financially as well.

The problem is I hate to see them go back to an unstable home. While she is a SAHM and is Married, they argue a LOT. Also they might lose their electric again soon, (in that case the kids aren't going anywhere!) I feel terrible for not wanting them with us anymore but I'm so frustrated with all the extra stress it's starting to cause problems with my DH. Not sure if we are making the right choice...any thoughts? Thanks for reading :-)

 

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:13 AM
Replies (11-20):
andersongirl562
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 7:16 AM
This...just this....lol how about op sends her kids to live with their father (s)

Quoting momof2ex1:

And I was waiting for the part about child support .... And bam! There it is!




Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.



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andersongirl562
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 7:20 AM
2 moms liked this
At 8 and 9 they are way to old to be doing things like that...my 5 year old know better....tell DH you and he need to come up with a set of rules and consequenses and a chore chart. I have five kids I am the queen of rules, consequenses and chore charts lol

Quoting ColdSilveRain:

Actually, I was the one who wanted them to come live with us in the first place. It's mainly his thought that they should go. I have been supporting 8 people on very limited income for three years. He was laid off before they came to live with us. And just for your info, my supportive ex (older 2 kids dad) pays support and is a good dad, however he is an OTR truck driver. It's my youngest sons dad who is giving us issues. My son is also Autistic so this is a huge deal. Anyways, I pay for everything for the kids without help from the BM and even before we had them, my DH was paying support. That's the least of my concern however.


The big issue is mainly the kids all acting up. His girls are pre-teen and having issues sharing a room and his son is 8 and has the attitude that I should be his servant. Not to mention the huge mess. For example on Friday the two youngest boys (8 & 9) poured one of my melted wax jars all over their bedroom floor. He doesn't seem to want to dicipline them and I'm not home as much as I'd like with work so what would you suggest I do? The hateful comments are really not appreciated. I thought this was a more helpful site.


The good thing is that if his kids do go to their mothers we only live 2 minutes away.

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ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 9:46 AM
Here's an idea since I read how close BM actually is. Can her kids go to her house.for a couple hours everyday after school? Maybe even spend a night or two during the week? This way its not such an overloading stress for you and your DH.
Financially I'm not sure. Government assistance if you can get it. Can your DH go to school part-time that way he can get a part-time job? I get the tool thing my DH is a mechanic and we spend $45 at least every week for tools and he still needs more, so I know how expensive it can be. Especially those tools through places like Snap-On and Matco, but their loan program are very helpful because you can pay $300 in tools out over a few months.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:00 AM
3 moms liked this

IMHO, there are two separate issues here.

First of all, I understand first hand how stressful it can be to be the only one working and supporting kids that aren't your own.  It's one thing to work hard to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.  It's quite another to be working hard, missing time with your own kids or friends/actvities for someone elses' kids.  I'd venture to guess that SF wouldn't be so hip to that either.

So issue one is financial.  I get that.  IMHO, your DH should get a job so that he's contributing towards the household. I realize that in this economy, it can be tough to find jobs in certain fields in certain areas.  But even if your DH picked up some odd jobs off of craigslist on the weekends, he could at least be contributing.  I realize that education is important, but he's got children who are still dependents.  You're not going to get any money out of BM because she's not employed.  So the CS angle is a moot point.  DH needs to generate some income.  It might mean that he comes home after school and cares for the kids, then when you get home, he goes to a PT job second/third shift.  People do it all the time.  Does it suck?  Yes.  But it sucks less than being homeless or not having food on the table.

YOU should not have to support 6 kids.  If you choose to and you can, that's fine.  But he needs to work out a way to support his 3 if you can't/don't want to.

Next, the kids.  I can imagine that it's not super fun for them to be crammed 3 to a room.  But that's the situation and they need to adapt.  It's normal for tween/teen girls to get a little snotty and cop an attitude from time to time.  That doesn't mean that they have to get away with it.  My SDs are 13 and 15 and they have their moments, but generally, they know that's not acceptable behavior.  8 & 9 YO boys left to their own devices will get into trouble.  That's normal too.  Again, they need to be watched more carefully and when something like that happens, some natural consequences would go a long way.  Show them how to clean it up and make them do it.  If his son is being rude to you...for the love of Pete, he's 8 and has been living with you since he was 5.  He's testing.  Have a boundary with him and enforce it.

The solution is not "sending the kids away".  The solution to these issues is for DH to get a job and parent his kids with boundaries and expectations.  

Any person who was working to support 8 people, who was living in close quarters with teenage girls and mischevious little boys would be frazzled having a husband who was not pulling his weight financially or in the parenting department.  ANYONE would.

And by him even CONSIDERING "sending HIS kids away" makes me think that when the going get's rough, this guy just gives up and wants someone else to take over.  He's letting you do it and now he wants to do that with his ex.  So many dads would LOVE to have their kids, FIGHT to have their kids and barely get to see them more than 4 days a month. Why?  Because society sees Moms as more stable and less likely to abandon their kids the way Dads do.  This is just the kind of situation that perpetuates that.

I'm not slamming you.  I get your frustration and think you're well within your rights to BE frustrated.  But I'm fairly disgusted that your DH would even consider dumping his kids off because it's getting "hard".  Parenting is hard.  Life is hard.  "Giving up" when things get hard is not something I have respect for. 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:48 AM

ditto.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I wanted to write this reply but you beat me to it. So it's your fault not mine. Ditto ditto to what you said.


Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.




momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:48 AM
2 moms liked this
You sure do write a lot of words but man, they make since. OP listen up here - birdseed has some good advice


Quoting Birdseed:

IMHO, there are two separate issues here.

First of all, I understand first hand how stressful it can be to be the only one working and supporting kids that aren't your own.  It's one thing to work hard to take care of yourself and your responsibilities.  It's quite another to be working hard, missing time with your own kids or friends/actvities for someone elses' kids.  I'd venture to guess that SF wouldn't be so hip to that either.

So issue one is financial.  I get that.  IMHO, your DH should get a job so that he's contributing towards the household. I realize that in this economy, it can be tough to find jobs in certain fields in certain areas.  But even if your DH picked up some odd jobs off of craigslist on the weekends, he could at least be contributing.  I realize that education is important, but he's got children who are still dependents.  You're not going to get any money out of BM because she's not employed.  So the CS angle is a moot point.  DH needs to generate some income.  It might mean that he comes home after school and cares for the kids, then when you get home, he goes to a PT job second/third shift.  People do it all the time.  Does it suck?  Yes.  But it sucks less than being homeless or not having food on the table.

YOU should not have to support 6 kids.  If you choose to and you can, that's fine.  But he needs to work out a way to support his 3 if you can't/don't want to.

Next, the kids.  I can imagine that it's not super fun for them to be crammed 3 to a room.  But that's the situation and they need to adapt.  It's normal for tween/teen girls to get a little snotty and cop an attitude from time to time.  That doesn't mean that they have to get away with it.  My SDs are 13 and 15 and they have their moments, but generally, they know that's not acceptable behavior.  8 & 9 YO boys left to their own devices will get into trouble.  That's normal too.  Again, they need to be watched more carefully and when something like that happens, some natural consequences would go a long way.  Show them how to clean it up and make them do it.  If his son is being rude to you...for the love of Pete, he's 8 and has been living with you since he was 5.  He's testing.  Have a boundary with him and enforce it.

The solution is not "sending the kids away".  The solution to these issues is for DH to get a job and parent his kids with boundaries and expectations.  

Any person who was working to support 8 people, who was living in close quarters with teenage girls and mischevious little boys would be frazzled having a husband who was not pulling his weight financially or in the parenting department.  ANYONE would.

And by him even CONSIDERING "sending HIS kids away" makes me think that when the going get's rough, this guy just gives up and wants someone else to take over.  He's letting you do it and now he wants to do that with his ex.  So many dads would LOVE to have their kids, FIGHT to have their kids and barely get to see them more than 4 days a month. Why?  Because society sees Moms as more stable and less likely to abandon their kids the way Dads do.  This is just the kind of situation that perpetuates that.

I'm not slamming you.  I get your frustration and think you're well within your rights to BE frustrated.  But I'm fairly disgusted that your DH would even consider dumping his kids off because it's getting "hard".  Parenting is hard.  Life is hard.  "Giving up" when things get hard is not something I have respect for. 


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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:53 AM
Dad needs to be contributing financially as well. Mom is long gone. She isn't going to get CS out of mom. Dad needs to step up.


Quoting meerkat101:

Did you read that sm is the only one working right now??? She is footing the bill for 6 kids - 3 not even her own!! CS would be an issue for me as well!!




Quoting momof2ex1:

And I was waiting for the part about child support .... And bam! There it is!






Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.





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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 10:59 AM
1 mom liked this



Quoting momof2ex1:

You sure do write a lot of words but man, they make since. 



LOL I realize that I get long winded, but I'm trying to give the logic behind my points rather than just slap out the bottom line and piss off the OP.  I guess that's the teacher in me.  I try to get my students to logic their way through or around a challenge rather than just giving them the answer and if they can't, I try to talk them through the logic so that they can learn to do it themselves. 

If she were able to logic her way through this on her own, she wouldn't be posting here.  She'd be telling DH to get a job and man up for her and his kids.  If anything, she'd be posting "I told my DH to get a job and man up and  he's pissed, so now what?"  

When I ask a question, I like to hear the rationale/logic behind the answer too.  It gives me perspectives that I hadn't considered. <shrugs>  So...I'm long winded.  LOL



annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:16 AM
5 moms liked this
Ugh SMs just never can win with you ladies:)
If she was complaining about BM wanting them back, you would say: oh BF can't handle his kids, maybe its time for BM get custody!
But when SM complains about how she is having Difficulties to support family of 8 and BF can't find the job and neither he can handle his kids., and maybe it's time for BM to step up and support her kids OH SHIT selfish SM she wants BM to raise her kids! How bad is that!!! OMG!!!
LOL

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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Sure why not?
If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"
But here the
HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.
BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.
SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?
IMO, here the solution:
Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.
Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.


Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.



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