Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Needing Advice on an Important Decision about Kids Living in our Home...Is 6 too many for us?

Posted by   + Show Post

This is one of my first posts here and I am a bit nervous asking for help but my family has an important decision to make and I need advice.

From the beginning...I have three kids of my own and now three more from my husband who I married in 2011. We have been together for five years and all six kids have lived with us for three. We brought them into our home when his ex decided she didn't want to deal with her life anymore and took off to lower WI with a boyfriend. She returned six months later and has been a big part of their lives. We get along for the most part except I know she wants them back full time and sometimes takes it out on me. The criticisim is a pain. I work full time and it drives her crazy. Funny thing, she's younger than me.

Well, the kids have all been driving eachother and us crazy. We live in a small 3 bdrm home and we have three boys in one room and three girls in the other, seeing as they are getting older this is getting much harder. I work evenings so my husband is the one who gets them off the bus and helps them with homework etc...reciently he started school again himself to get a degree in Auto Mechanics and things are going well except the girls are super clingy to him and the little boys are getting into everything, he has a hard time getting his work done. My two oldest are teenagers too and just started sports and dating. My youngest was just abandoned by his father (he moved away without telling any of us) and I feel like he is being neglected too. I can't change my shift because there isn't anything available. I'm starting to think my stepkids just need to go back to their mother. We don't get child support from her and I'm struggling financially as well.

The problem is I hate to see them go back to an unstable home. While she is a SAHM and is Married, they argue a LOT. Also they might lose their electric again soon, (in that case the kids aren't going anywhere!) I feel terrible for not wanting them with us anymore but I'm so frustrated with all the extra stress it's starting to cause problems with my DH. Not sure if we are making the right choice...any thoughts? Thanks for reading :-)

 

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:13 AM
Replies (131-135):
KreatingMe
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 12:13 PM

I'm sure she is tired and the parents do need to step up. Her post says more than that. She justifies he kids needs and places their needs as more important than his kids. 

Quoting annabl1970:

She said there have been together five years married in 2011, kids living with them for three Years. And she is the one who supports the whole family.
The tone of her post says just that : "I am tired and its time for other parent to step up"
Her Ex pays CS, she works.
But BF and BM don't.
While BF at least trying to better their life by going to school, BM does just that-sits on her butt.
Where did she asked that he has to send his kids away to be able to give more time to hers?
If BM takes care of her own kids, BF focuses on school/gets job, SM can work part time and take care of her own kids.



Quoting KreatingMe:

The tone of her post is that HER kids have needs, her teenagers are dating and playing sports, her son is suffering from the fall out of his dad not being involved with him, while HIS kids are extra stress. Her post smacks with her HER kids are important while his are just in the way. I doubt it would matter if it was her or him who was the SAHP. As the parent who is home the most with the kids it's feasible that he is doing a lot of the hands on parenting. So again, we're led to believe that he should send his kids away so he can give extra care and time to hers? Again, the tone of her kids trumping his. 

It is not her responsibility to support them and I agree with you that BF should get a job and BM should  be paying CS.  I don't know why that process hasn't been started. SAHP and unemployed parents DO pay CS, I believe it's calculated by what they have the potential to earn. 

Another part of the solution is that the teenagers should be contributing around the home. Even 30 minutes a day can be a huge help, think of all the things you could do in 30 mins, make dinner, vacuum, clean a bathroom, start laundry, etc. 

No where in her original post, the post I responded to, did it say she had been the sole provider for years. In fact it states that they've only been since 2011.

There are SM's who are SAHM's and who have kids from previous marriages and I've never seen it said that they should send those kids to live with dad since their husband is the provider. 

Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?

If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"

But here the

HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.

BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.

SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?

IMO, here the solution:

Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.

Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.





Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.







Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:59 AM
I didn't mean it in a bad way towards you. Your dh is enabling his kids to not be helpful. Not you.

What we want is for you to not work your booty off when there are kids and a dh that can help out. It's team work. I know it's harder said then done bc believe me,I'm quiet as a mouse w my skids. But I've been where you've been and actually still struggle with this. My skids aren't super messy but it's a big home and they don't crap to better the home. It's tough. I get you. My putting you down. Step life is tough. ESP. When a dh can make it all the better sometimes.


Quoting ColdSilveRain:


There is a big difference between enabling and not being able to be around 24/7. When I am home stuff gets done, when I am at work nothing...I'm working my butt off at home and work, what more do you people want from me? 


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Enabling is the perfect word! She needs to stop that and also create rules and stick to it. Consistency is key w kids. I hope OP does stop enabling her dh to let the kids run wild also
Quoting annabl1970:

I know it's harsh, but If I was on your place, I would move out and focus on MY kids. And let the BPs figure out things with their kids and finances.

Both of these adults USING you, your money and your kindness, Three years is more than enough for helping them out. Stop enabling them.




Quoting




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
ColdSilveRain
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:41 PM

 

I'm sorry, this post has become somewhat of a sore spot for me. It was my first and was thinking this would be a bunch of encouraging step-moms and guess I was not expecting such a negative reaction for the most part. I've kinda been jumping on some people and took your post the wrong way. I apologize. :-)

Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I didn't mean it in a bad way towards you. Your dh is enabling his kids to not be helpful. Not you.

What we want is for you to not work your booty off when there are kids and a dh that can help out. It's team work. I know it's harder said then done bc believe me,I'm quiet as a mouse w my skids. But I've been where you've been and actually still struggle with this. My skids aren't super messy but it's a big home and they don't crap to better the home. It's tough. I get you. My putting you down. Step life is tough. ESP. When a dh can make it all the better sometimes.


Quoting ColdSilveRain:

 

There is a big difference between enabling and not being able to be around 24/7. When I am home stuff gets done, when I am at work nothing...I'm working my butt off at home and work, what more do you people want from me? 


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Enabling is the perfect word! She needs to stop that and also create rules and stick to it. Consistency is key w kids. I hope OP does stop enabling her dh to let the kids run wild also
Quoting annabl1970:

I know it's harsh, but If I was on your place, I would move out and focus on MY kids. And let the BPs figure out things with their kids and finances.

Both of these adults USING you, your money and your kindness, Three years is more than enough for helping them out. Stop enabling them.




Quoting

 


 


 

ColdSilveRain
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:54 PM

So I think this will be my last post here on the Step-Mom's part. I never realized how people viewed step-moms in general. My older two kids have a great step-mom but I'm guessing that family drama for most people has made it not possible for them to get along with most for whatever reason. Like I said before, I love all the kids and just want what's best for them. Sometimes I do feel that my kids fall through the cracks because all the attention and effort goes to the younger steps. Six kids is a lot to deal with for anybody and working full-time makes things all the harder. We make it work though and now I'm home for a few weeks dealing with some heart problems I can focus on getting our family back on track. Thank you so much to everyone who offered their honest (not mean) and helpful opinions. I do appreciate it. And to those of you who felt the need to berate me for the situation, I hope you look in the mirror and try to put yourself in my shoes. I'm am both a Mother and Step-Mother and the balancing act is not always easy, especially with so many. Maybe you have a bit of growing up to do or it's just a result of your own bad upbringing but I feel sorry for you. Having no heart is a lot worse than anything I am going through. blowing kisses

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:09 PM
Hey,just remember one day you will look back at this post and see how far you've come! So don't mind the negatives. I love seeing the growth and difference I've seen from my first posts to now. It also let me get the negatives bc come on,usually your friends are going to agree with you.

I think if u stick with SMC,it really does help. I just skip over the negatives or answer them but question it. I swear sometimes it was the right advice I just didn't want to gulp it down. It (replies)gives you lots of different perspectives at least.



Quoting ColdSilveRain:

 


I'm sorry, this post has become somewhat of a sore spot for me. It was my first and was thinking this would be a bunch of encouraging step-moms and guess I was not expecting such a negative reaction for the most part. I've kinda been jumping on some people and took your post the wrong way. I apologize. :-)


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

I didn't mean it in a bad way towards you. Your dh is enabling his kids to not be helpful. Not you.

What we want is for you to not work your booty off when there are kids and a dh that can help out. It's team work. I know it's harder said then done bc believe me,I'm quiet as a mouse w my skids. But I've been where you've been and actually still struggle with this. My skids aren't super messy but it's a big home and they don't crap to better the home. It's tough. I get you. My putting you down. Step life is tough. ESP. When a dh can make it all the better sometimes.



Quoting ColdSilveRain:


 


There is a big difference between enabling and not being able to be around 24/7. When I am home stuff gets done, when I am at work nothing...I'm working my butt off at home and work, what more do you people want from me? 



Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

Enabling is the perfect word! She needs to stop that and also create rules and stick to it. Consistency is key w kids. I hope OP does stop enabling her dh to let the kids run wild also
Quoting annabl1970:

I know it's harsh, but If I was on your place, I would move out and focus on MY kids. And let the BPs figure out things with their kids and finances.

Both of these adults USING you, your money and your kindness, Three years is more than enough for helping them out. Stop enabling them.





Quoting

 



 




 

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured