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Needing Advice on an Important Decision about Kids Living in our Home...Is 6 too many for us?

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This is one of my first posts here and I am a bit nervous asking for help but my family has an important decision to make and I need advice.

From the beginning...I have three kids of my own and now three more from my husband who I married in 2011. We have been together for five years and all six kids have lived with us for three. We brought them into our home when his ex decided she didn't want to deal with her life anymore and took off to lower WI with a boyfriend. She returned six months later and has been a big part of their lives. We get along for the most part except I know she wants them back full time and sometimes takes it out on me. The criticisim is a pain. I work full time and it drives her crazy. Funny thing, she's younger than me.

Well, the kids have all been driving eachother and us crazy. We live in a small 3 bdrm home and we have three boys in one room and three girls in the other, seeing as they are getting older this is getting much harder. I work evenings so my husband is the one who gets them off the bus and helps them with homework etc...reciently he started school again himself to get a degree in Auto Mechanics and things are going well except the girls are super clingy to him and the little boys are getting into everything, he has a hard time getting his work done. My two oldest are teenagers too and just started sports and dating. My youngest was just abandoned by his father (he moved away without telling any of us) and I feel like he is being neglected too. I can't change my shift because there isn't anything available. I'm starting to think my stepkids just need to go back to their mother. We don't get child support from her and I'm struggling financially as well.

The problem is I hate to see them go back to an unstable home. While she is a SAHM and is Married, they argue a LOT. Also they might lose their electric again soon, (in that case the kids aren't going anywhere!) I feel terrible for not wanting them with us anymore but I'm so frustrated with all the extra stress it's starting to cause problems with my DH. Not sure if we are making the right choice...any thoughts? Thanks for reading :-)

 

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:13 AM
Replies (21-30):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:41 AM
I like it lol


Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting momof2ex1:

You sure do write a lot of words but man, they make since. 





LOL I realize that I get long winded, but I'm trying to give the logic behind my points rather than just slap out the bottom line and piss off the OP.  I guess that's the teacher in me.  I try to get my students to logic their way through or around a challenge rather than just giving them the answer and if they can't, I try to talk them through the logic so that they can learn to do it themselves. 

If she were able to logic her way through this on her own, she wouldn't be posting here.  She'd be telling DH to get a job and man up for her and his kids.  If anything, she'd be posting "I told my DH to get a job and man up and  he's pissed, so now what?"  

When I ask a question, I like to hear the rationale/logic behind the answer too.  It gives me perspectives that I hadn't considered. <shrugs>  So...I'm long winded.  LOL




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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:43 AM
How would mom get CS from a man who doesn't work?


Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?

If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"

But here the

HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.

BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.

SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?

IMO, here the solution:

Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.

Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.




Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.




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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 11:53 AM



Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?
If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"
But here the
HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.
BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.
SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?
IMO, here the solution:
Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.
Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.



You can't get blood out of a turnip.  CS is determined based on several factors--one of which is income.  Neither parent in this situation has any income and theres's no CO for CS in place.  Therefore, neither parent could get CS at this point.  You can't court order someone to get a job.  If there were already CS CO'd then it's feasible that a parent could go to jail for being in arrears but that takes years in most states.

So like many single parents whose exes don't pay CS, DH needs to GET A JOB and take care of his responsibilities.  Maybe now is not a time when they can afford for him to go to school.  Lots of people have to put off things that they want to do in order to take care of themselves and their kids.  It's called personal responsibility.




annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Father getting job was one of the my suggestions.
He can pay CS based on minimum wages, he should be supporting his kids.
As I see with family courts, it's Less time and money consuming to try to get CS from dad than from mom.

Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?

If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"

But here the

HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.

BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.

SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?

IMO, here the solution:

Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.

Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.





You can't get blood out of a turnip.  CS is determined based on several factors--one of which is income.  Neither parent in this situation has any income and theres's no CO for CS in place.  Therefore, neither parent could get CS at this point.  You can't court order someone to get a job.  If there were already CS CO'd then it's feasible that a parent could go to jail for being in arrears but that takes years in most states.

So like many single parents whose exes don't pay CS, DH needs to GET A JOB and take care of his responsibilities.  Maybe now is not a time when they can afford for him to go to school.  Lots of people have to put off things that they want to do in order to take care of themselves and their kids.  It's called personal responsibility.







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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:13 PM
If there is no health or other concerns, CS can be calculated on minimum wage. Stil better than nothing.
If parent lose his job doesn't mean his kids stop wanting to eat KWIM?



Quoting momof2ex1:

How would mom get CS from a man who doesn't work?




Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?


If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"


But here the


HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.


BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.


SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?


IMO, here the solution:


Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.


Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.






Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.





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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:15 PM
CS can be calculated at least on minimum wage.
Anyway I don't see why SM should work her ass off to support kids whose parents capable of doing it


Quoting Birdseed:




Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?

If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"

But here the

HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.

BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.

SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?

IMO, here the solution:

Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.

Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.





You can't get blood out of a turnip.  CS is determined based on several factors--one of which is income.  Neither parent in this situation has any income and theres's no CO for CS in place.  Therefore, neither parent could get CS at this point.  You can't court order someone to get a job.  If there were already CS CO'd then it's feasible that a parent could go to jail for being in arrears but that takes years in most states.

So like many single parents whose exes don't pay CS, DH needs to GET A JOB and take care of his responsibilities.  Maybe now is not a time when they can afford for him to go to school.  Lots of people have to put off things that they want to do in order to take care of themselves and their kids.  It's called personal responsibility.






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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:33 PM

I don't think SM should be working her ass off to support everyone either if she doesn't want to.  But that still doesn't mean that the kids should be considered disposable because times are hard.  

My take?  I bet her situation started out a lot like mine.  DH was laid off, I had a good job.  I didn't think he'd be unemployed/unpaid for YEARS.   So I was willing to support everyone temporarily.  I did it voluntarily (and we weren't even married at that point).  But after awhile, I started getting resentful because I saw my money going out the door to BM who wasn't working (and DH didn't want to not support the kids so he wouldn't file for a modification to CS), for the kids who lived with us 50% or more, all of their ECs and clothing and whatever else, etc meanwhile, I was sacrificing a lot on my side.  Taking a total loss on my house, getting rid of one of my horses, stopping training and showing, no more going to the nice hair salon, no more going out with friends.  And yet no thanks and no real changes on anyone elses' end.  And to boot, crappy behavior from the kids at home that made me dread coming home every day.

So I'm speaking from experience when I say...DH NEEDS A JOB.  The CS angle is worthless.  And it's absolutely ludicrous to consider getting rid of your kids in lieu of GETTING A JOB.  It's just awful.  Any SM that would suggest it would be run out here and any BF would would think of it is someone I don't have any respect for.

BM already bailed once in this case. (and in mine too)  So thinking that sending the kids to BM would be the logical solution is just ridiculous to me.

That said, the solution to our problem was moving to where DH could find a job that paid better than mine.  As a result, we don't have the kids living with us right now.  They're finishing out the school year and then they're coming here.  And THEN? We're moving overseas.  I had to quit my good paying job and get a PT crappy job here to help us get back on track.  So sometimes you have to really shake things up to get out of the financial rut.

That's what I'm suggesting.  


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:42 PM
Very true. Doesn't mean it gets paid. Same with mom. She isn't paying CS either. Has no job. Nothing to pay. If the roles are reversed and dad doesn't have a job, who do you think is going to pay his CS obligation? Sm? Yeah, I don't think that will go over well with SM. she is already frustrated with the situation as it is.


Quoting annabl1970:

If there is no health or other concerns, CS can be calculated on minimum wage. Stil better than nothing.

If parent lose his job doesn't mean his kids stop wanting to eat KWIM?






Quoting momof2ex1:

How would mom get CS from a man who doesn't work?






Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?



If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"



But here the



HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.



BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.



SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?



IMO, here the solution:



Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.



Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.








Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.






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liltigersmom
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:54 PM
3 moms liked this
One of my petpeeves is, couples that don't pick up, when they're struggling. More money needs to be going into the household, pure and simple. So either dh needs to go to school part time, and get a job part time, or put school on hold, and go to work full time.

Idk why everyones blasting the sm. She's working, and obviousily frustrated, I would be too.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:03 PM
What are you talking about?
I already stated Its not SM obligation to pay for SKs.
Both parents should support their kids. Not SM
And yes in this case sending kids to mom's could be solution to a problem. If mom takes them, I am pretty sure, the first thing she will do is applying for CS.
Court doesn't look very favorable to dead beat dads.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Very true. Doesn't mean it gets paid. Same with mom. She isn't paying CS either. Has no job. Nothing to pay. If the roles are reversed and dad doesn't have a job, who do you think is going to pay his CS obligation? Sm? Yeah, I don't think that will go over well with SM. she is already frustrated with the situation as it is.




Quoting annabl1970:

If there is no health or other concerns, CS can be calculated on minimum wage. Stil better than nothing.


If parent lose his job doesn't mean his kids stop wanting to eat KWIM?









Quoting momof2ex1:

How would mom get CS from a man who doesn't work?








Quoting annabl1970:

Sure why not?




If HER Ex wasn't paying CS and Her CURRENT husband was supporting her kids and her for 3 years, and she complained about how hard it is financially and morally for her kids, and let send the SKs to mom, I would be FIRST to suggest her : "send your kids to Dad's of f... Get a job!"




But here the




HUGE difference with OP situation: stepkids have BOTH parents, BOTH parents are fully capable of supporting them. But they DON'T.




BF doesn't work.BM doesn't give a shit to foot any bill for her kids.




SM is the one who works and pays for Their kids. And her Ex pays CS. Why should her kids go live with the father?




IMO, here the solution:




Father finds the job or mom starts paying CS. Or kids will be send to mom's and I SURE 100% mom will get CS from dad no doubt about it.




Maybe it will motivate BF to start somehow supporting his own kids.










Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.







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