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Needing Advice on an Important Decision about Kids Living in our Home...Is 6 too many for us?

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This is one of my first posts here and I am a bit nervous asking for help but my family has an important decision to make and I need advice.

From the beginning...I have three kids of my own and now three more from my husband who I married in 2011. We have been together for five years and all six kids have lived with us for three. We brought them into our home when his ex decided she didn't want to deal with her life anymore and took off to lower WI with a boyfriend. She returned six months later and has been a big part of their lives. We get along for the most part except I know she wants them back full time and sometimes takes it out on me. The criticisim is a pain. I work full time and it drives her crazy. Funny thing, she's younger than me.

Well, the kids have all been driving eachother and us crazy. We live in a small 3 bdrm home and we have three boys in one room and three girls in the other, seeing as they are getting older this is getting much harder. I work evenings so my husband is the one who gets them off the bus and helps them with homework etc...reciently he started school again himself to get a degree in Auto Mechanics and things are going well except the girls are super clingy to him and the little boys are getting into everything, he has a hard time getting his work done. My two oldest are teenagers too and just started sports and dating. My youngest was just abandoned by his father (he moved away without telling any of us) and I feel like he is being neglected too. I can't change my shift because there isn't anything available. I'm starting to think my stepkids just need to go back to their mother. We don't get child support from her and I'm struggling financially as well.

The problem is I hate to see them go back to an unstable home. While she is a SAHM and is Married, they argue a LOT. Also they might lose their electric again soon, (in that case the kids aren't going anywhere!) I feel terrible for not wanting them with us anymore but I'm so frustrated with all the extra stress it's starting to cause problems with my DH. Not sure if we are making the right choice...any thoughts? Thanks for reading :-)

 

by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 12:13 AM
Replies (41-50):
Mommyof5247
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 3:51 PM
Yikes! Not a chance!
My home is my sanctuary. I would be ok with another person outside of our marriage coming in & taking charge while I'm not there without my permission. My DH would never allow this either but that's beside the point.

He's allowing you to be in control financially & allowing another woman to take control of the other half of life to make things "easier" for himself...but it's making life choatic & difficult for everyone he loves. Not ok.
Even if BM & BD didn't make the custody change official in writing (mistake but too late now), BM walked away for 3yrs & you 2 have been raising them. There should be no tiptoeing around the NCP & there is no need. If either parent wanted to push it legally, I'm sure a court would say "you should have...but you stepped up while BM was gone so here's the way it's going to be". Your DH doesn't sound like he'd fight but that's up to him & BM more than you, sadly.
Point is, if you don't want her in your home (or the home you're providing for), she stays out. If DH can't respect that, he needs to find another solution or spend evenings elsewhere.


Quoting ColdSilveRain:

The reason DH is going to school is that he can't find work. We live in rural Upper Michigan where jobs are scarce and daycare would be ridiculous for us obviously, a part-time job wouldn't pay. It is in our best interest to have him in school at the moment and a SAHD. He spent two years applying for work everywhere before I went for my CNA and was able to find work. You talk about personal responsibility, we are working for a better life. Again however, the money isn't the main issue, we have made it on my income for three years. You can live on 28K a year.  BM has never worked in her life so CS wasn't expected, my husband actually still paid her for several months after we took his kids. The issue is more discipline and stress. Like most SAHD's he hasn't had much experience being home and dealing with every day issues. I don't like his ex coming into my home and "supervising" when I'm not home. She even orders my kids around, he just lets her to keep the peace. Then she criticizes everything we do. The kids don't want to listen to me because I'm not their mother and since she is around they think she is in charge. She also doesn't place importance on having a clean household so trying to get hem to even pick up dirty clothes is like pulling teeth. And since I work afternoons I only see them twice a week during the school year and I have to be the bad guy. Technically we don't have custody because she wouldn't sign the papers so my DH feels we should have to tiptoe around her (she is pretty nuts). I'm just tired of the whole situation. 

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ColdSilveRain
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:29 PM

 


Quoting kristinbugg:

So you'd send these children back to a home you KNOW is unstable?

If too many kids are such a problem, why don't you send YOURS to live elsewhere? After all, you admit your youngest is having emotional problems and that is causing chaos.


 Why should I have to send my Autistic son to a father who doesn't want him and would not know how to deal with him or the schools? Or any of my children who are not the ones causing all the trouble? Why should I have to send my children elsewhere when I have been their sole support their entire lives? kristinbugg, would you want to send any of your kids away? I know I don't. I love my step-kids too but if they won't respect me and my DH won't make them what should I do? Let it continue?

This situation with his kids was supposed to only be temporary at first until she found stability where she had moved to. It didn't work out and she came back but did not take the kids back. I did not sign up for this. I also did not sign up to have some lady come into my home and ridicule me all because she wants her kids back, but is too lazy to take them. I've kept them for so long because of the issues with her home.  I'm afraid of the stability here if I let this continue because I am getting sick of being treated like this isn't my home even though I support everyone! I'm getting angry with my hubby and his ex and the kids and am about at breaking point!
So how bout try to think of some constructive criticism instead of just bashing me? I've been doing my best to keep this family together!

packermomof2
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:36 PM

Mom's kids think mom is in charge of them and not the SM?  How horrible when kids think that way when mom is around and in their lives.  The kids should know that mom doesn't call the shots, dad's wife does

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:48 PM
1 mom liked this

Your first priority is to the welfare of your own children and your DH.  You can't put your SCs ahead of your own biological children.   Your SCs have a mother and she is the one who should be looking after them in this role---not you.  While it's great that you care so much about them, this is not your fight; it's hers.  Your DH can send them back to their mother and keep tabs on her to make sure his children are being cared for properly.  That way he can ease the burden on you mentally, physically, and financially and can ease the strain on your marriage as well as making things better for your children.  His own children will benefit from having their mother back full-time and from not living in a small home with five other people.  Three children don't need to share a small bedroom. 

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:49 PM
2 moms liked this
Yep SM in the charge in her own home. She is supporting BM's kids BM doesnt like it? She is free to look for job, get her shit together, and get her kids back.
But seems that the last in her mind.



Quoting packermomof2:

Mom's kids think mom is in charge of them and not the SM?  How horrible when kids think that way when mom is around and in their lives.  The kids should know that mom doesn't call the shots, dad's wife does


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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 4:54 PM
1 mom liked this
I know it's harsh, but If I was on your place, I would move out and focus on MY kids. And let the BPs figure out things with their kids and finances.
Both of these adults USING you, your money and your kindness, Three years is more than enough for helping them out. Stop enabling them.


Quoting ColdSilveRain:

 




Quoting kristinbugg:

So you'd send these children back to a home you KNOW is unstable?

If too many kids are such a problem, why don't you send YOURS to live elsewhere? After all, you admit your youngest is having emotional problems and that is causing chaos.



 Why should I have to send my Autistic son to a father who doesn't want him and would not know how to deal with him or the schools? Or any of my children who are not the ones causing all the trouble? Why should I have to send my children elsewhere when I have been their sole support their entire lives? kristinbugg, would you want to send any of your kids away? I know I don't. I love my step-kids too but if they won't respect me and my DH won't make them what should I do? Let it continue?


This situation with his kids was supposed to only be temporary at first until she found stability where she had moved to. It didn't work out and she came back but did not take the kids back. I did not sign up for this. I also did not sign up to have some lady come into my home and ridicule me all because she wants her kids back, but is too lazy to take them. I've kept them for so long because of the issues with her home.  I'm afraid of the stability here if I let this continue because I am getting sick of being treated like this isn't my home even though I support everyone! I'm getting angry with my hubby and his ex and the kids and am about at breaking point!
So how bout try to think of some constructive criticism instead of just bashing me? I've been doing my best to keep this family together!


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 31, 2013 at 5:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Don't pay any attention to kristinbugg's criticism.   I've read some of her responses and she can be harsh towards SMs.  When it comes to a choice between having your children LIVE in an unstable home and sending your SC back to their mother's home which may or may not be stable, I'd send them back to her.   The responsibility of their welfare is not yours to make.   You should be able to trust you DH to take care of that and if not, you can call DFCS or the children's grandparents. 

How cruel, Kristinbugg, to throw it up to this poster about her child having emotional problems and how they cause chaos?    You'd really suggest she send her children away?   Why should she be expected to raise some other woman's children while the woman sits on her butt across town doing nothing but criticize her and all the while offer nothing in the way of CS?????


Quoting ColdSilveRain:



Quoting kristinbugg:

So you'd send these children back to a home you KNOW is unstable?

If too many kids are such a problem, why don't you send YOURS to live elsewhere? After all, you admit your youngest is having emotional problems and that is causing chaos.


 Why should I have to send my Autistic son to a father who doesn't want him and would not know how to deal with him or the schools? Or any of my children who are not the ones causing all the trouble? Why should I have to send my children elsewhere when I have been their sole support their entire lives? kristinbugg, would you want to send any of your kids away? I know I don't. I love my step-kids too but if they won't respect me and my DH won't make them what should I do? Let it continue?

This situation with his kids was supposed to only be temporary at first until she found stability where she had moved to. It didn't work out and she came back but did not take the kids back. I did not sign up for this. I also did not sign up to have some lady come into my home and ridicule me all because she wants her kids back, but is too lazy to take them. I've kept them for so long because of the issues with her home.  I'm afraid of the stability here if I let this continue because I am getting sick of being treated like this isn't my home even though I support everyone! I'm getting angry with my hubby and his ex and the kids and am about at breaking point!
So how bout try to think of some constructive criticism instead of just bashing me? I've been doing my best to keep this family together!



tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 5:10 PM
2 moms liked this

Again another sm having to take on a HUGE responsibility of taking care 3 addtional kids that are not biologically hers but in others eyes shes wrong for feeling over whelmed and was thinking about sending stepkids to live with there bm if it came down to it.  8 members is a lot of people espcially 6 of them are minors that dont have to think about where the next penny is coming from to feed themselver, which they shouldnt have to think about any ways. 


Her dh was laid off when the kids moved into there home full time and there bm wasnt paying any child support and still currently not paying so sm was the sole provider for her children which she is obligated to do plus 3 more that she is not obligated to support.  Her 2 daughters father pay child support and helps her out with their 2, her youngest son who as Authism father ran out on him and dont help at all.  So put yourself in her shoes and be mineful of what this mother is going threw as a mom and wife!!

Quoting KreatingMe:

I read the title and before I read the post I thought, gee I wonder which kids are too much and going to be sent away? Actually I didn't wonder because I knew it wasn't going to be your kids. Imagine a SM posting  that there isn't enough room or money or time or whatever so she suggests sending her kids to live elsewhere? Me either, because in all of the years I've been on CM I've never seen that post, ever. The skids are the expendable ones. 

You want your husbands kids to go live with their mom because your son is feeling neglected and abandoned by his dad. So your husband can move his kids out to take better care of his ss. Do you see the irony in that? That is seriously messed up. 

Who knows maybe the kids are better off with their mom anyway.



tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 5:23 PM
1 mom liked this

HONESTLY I WANT TO SAY YOUR A GREAT PERSON FOR TAKING ON SUCH A HUG RESPONSIBILITY!!!  All the negative commments are from ignorant people so over look them.  Fully supporting 8 people is alot just thinking about it especially with little income and little time from working and going to school to better yourself.  Thinking about sending your stepkids to live with they mom isnt a bad ideal if its right even if it temp. She's a SAHM and she shouldnt get to sit a home all day while your getting up every day for work missing alot from your family to financially support 8 people minus the help you get from your older 2 kids father.  The least she can do is pay child support to bring the extra income in the home to lift a little off of your shoulders.  God forbid if something happen and you where sick and needed to take off work for a while how can your house still be ran with no money coming in.....Realistically it will not run for long and your bio kids need you especially your baby boy...If your dh wasnt or no longer in the picture you would have to work and take care your kids so a little advice from me to you if your getting to a point that you are running yourself low and your stepkids would be safe living back with there mom, maybe it wouldnt be such a bad idea or see if there mom can take them a few nights a week even 2 days is great!! thats 2 days less you have to deal with. I bet if the kids will ever need something atleast you and dad is just 2 mins away!!

ColdSilveRain
by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 6:57 PM

 


Quoting packermomof2:

Mom's kids think mom is in charge of them and not the SM?  How horrible when kids think that way when mom is around and in their lives.  The kids should know that mom doesn't call the shots, dad's wife does


 I think in my house my rules should be adhered to and that applies to my children also. And how would you feel if someone were coming into your home playing boss? I don't f'n think so! Dad doesn't want to run the house so I have to. She may be around, didn't say it was a good thing.

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