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Childless SM...having a baby, skids, scary!

Posted by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:09 PM
  • 27 Replies

When DH and I first met, I wasn't strongly one way or the other on having kids of my own.  I'd never really met anyone up to that point who I felt would be a good father.  I do like kids so I had been pursuing fostering.  After we got together, my hands were pretty full just trying to figure out the SM stuff (work  in progress!) so I put it on the back burner for a bit.

Still, I started really feeling like I wanted to have a child (or two) of my own.  DH was very much on board with that.  But he'd had a vasectomy after his youngest DD was born.  We consulted a fertility specialist who recommended IVF rather than just a reversal.  Big money--10k was the estimate we got--and lots of work to make it happen with visits and hormones and such.  Plus, when the topic came up with his kids, they were VEHEMENTLY against the idea of us having a baby.  (long story but it resulted in probably THE worst fight I've ever had in my life.)  Lastly, we will be moving overseas sometime in the next 18 mos or so.

So anyway...due to finances and the kids and moving, it's something that I had pretty much given up on.  For some reason lately though, I'm back to really really wanting to make this happen.  I'm 34.  My husband is 42.  If we're going to do this then it needs to happen soon.  I've been thinking about it a LOT lately.  This week it's been BAD.  I don't know why.  I just feel like I need to make this happen.  I haven't mentioned it to DH though.  My dad, whom I've recently reconnected with after 20 years of no contact, has even offered to pay for the IVF.  Crazy.  But still, I've not mentioned any of this to DH.  

So imagine my surprise this morning when I was face timing with DH (he's out of country on business) that he said something to the effect of, "I think I figured out how we can have a baby.  I worked the numbers out and if we do X, Y and Z, I think we can afford it this year."

At first I was just gobsmacked, then excited, then I had a feeling of total dread.  What will this mean for us with regards to the kids?  How will they handle it? I'm barely doing well at being a SM!  What will it mean for me being in a foreign country with a baby (or twins) and his kids while he's off working?  No family around to help?  Panic definitely set in.

What if the kids hate the idea?  What if the kids don't want to live with us as a result?  It would KILL him.  What if I have a baby and I suck as a parent?  What if what if what if????? 

I swear, I'm ready to go pick up some prenatal vitamins and just embrace the idea on the one hand.  On the other, I feel like I should just give up on this because it will change things for everyone.  I'm most worried about the kids and their relationship with Dad if we do this.  

I've got a few weeks yet before I see DH so I've got some time to think and process. 

Who has been there and how did you navigate everything?



by on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:44 PM
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I don't think I'd be concerned at all about how his kids will feel about it. I'm sure they will adapt.

I think it's great that you are planning to have a baby. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. We all start out clueless and the skills just come. You will be fine.


Birdseed
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:51 PM



Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't think I'd be concerned at all about how his kids will feel about it. I'm sure they will adapt.

I think it's great that you are planning to have a baby. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. We all start out clueless and the skills just come. You will be fine.


Thank you.  I just know that there's been so much change lately that I worry the kids will change their minds about living with us if this happens.  

I guess my thoughts are that they were here first so I don't want to do something that will affect them negatively  or affect their relationship with Dad negatively.  But I really do want this.  I think.  Maybe.  LOL  Panic!


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:52 PM


Maybe they will change their minds. But isnt having a baby more important to you than having your stepchildren live with you?

Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't think I'd be concerned at all about how his kids will feel about it. I'm sure they will adapt.

I think it's great that you are planning to have a baby. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. We all start out clueless and the skills just come. You will be fine.


Thank you.  I just know that there's been so much change lately that I worry the kids will change their minds about living with us if this happens.  

I guess my thoughts are that they were here first so I don't want to do something that will affect them negatively  or affect their relationship with Dad negatively.  But I really do want this.  I think.  Maybe.  LOL  Panic!




annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:53 PM

We are figure out long ago, we can't afford to have a child together:

1) DH has serious health issues.

2) Money are tight.

3) We are both not young.

As you can see there is NO mention of SD or DD:)

Don't worry, go ahead and have your baby. It's truly blessing. Best of luck!!!

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:54 PM
You'll do great!!! Motherly instincts are sure to set in when your pregnant... And if they don't there's always common sense, baby books, the Internet, and good ol' SM central to inform you. Lol.
I think you should do what you want to do. If having a baby is important I you, go for it! It's nice you take SKs feelings into consideration, but like the other poster said, they'll adapt.
:) best of luck!
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Mrs.Torres2566
by Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:55 PM

DH and I are actively trying, I need an IUI which is cheaper than IVF. We are crunching the numbers currently, although his insurance may cover it. The skids aren't overjoyed with the idea, but I know once the baby is here they will love it. 

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:55 PM
It seems you really want a baby and Dh is on board w/the idea. I say go ahead and do it. You don't want to regret not having a baby later in life. As WhatIknownow said the sk's will adapt. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. Every parent has had to learn as they go w/there 1st child. You will be fine. Good luck to ya.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 

You will feel sorry for rest of your life, if you didn't have your own child, because you were afraid it will affect SK somehow.

It's time to think about WHAT YOU WANT.


 

Quoting Birdseed:

 

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't think I'd be concerned at all about how his kids will feel about it. I'm sure they will adapt.

I think it's great that you are planning to have a baby. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. We all start out clueless and the skills just come. You will be fine.

 

Thank you.  I just know that there's been so much change lately that I worry the kids will change their minds about living with us if this happens.  

I guess my thoughts are that they were here first so I don't want to do something that will affect them negatively  or affect their relationship with Dad negatively.  But I really do want this.  I think.  Maybe.  LOL  Panic!

 


 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 1:59 PM

As far as the step-kids, I don't think children should have a say in an adult decision. Did your DH consult the older one before the young one was born? If you and DH want a baby, go for it!

Also, ALL parents think "OH my god, I'm going to suck/Oh my God I totally suck at this." It's kinda how you know you're on the right track. If you thought you were doing everything perfectly correct each and every time, THEN there would be a problem. I doubt myself as a mother and step-mother about 12 times a day. It's part of wanting to ensure you're making the best decision possible for the child/children. 

Birdseed
by Gold Member on Mar. 31, 2013 at 2:01 PM

I feel like the right answer is YES.  But I care about my SDs and I really want them to have the opportunities we can offer them.  I think that it's in their best interest to come live with us and I know that DH wants that very much.  I feel like we need to make sure THEY are okay because they're here. Living, breathing kiddos--while my "imaginary child(ren)" are just that.  Imaginary.  

Quoting whatIknownow:


Maybe they will change their minds. But isnt having a baby more important to you than having your stepchildren live with you?

Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't think I'd be concerned at all about how his kids will feel about it. I'm sure they will adapt.

I think it's great that you are planning to have a baby. Don't worry about sucking as a parent. We all start out clueless and the skills just come. You will be fine.


Thank you.  I just know that there's been so much change lately that I worry the kids will change their minds about living with us if this happens.  

I guess my thoughts are that they were here first so I don't want to do something that will affect them negatively  or affect their relationship with Dad negatively.  But I really do want this.  I think.  Maybe.  LOL  Panic!






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