When DH and I first met, I wasn't strongly one way or the other on having kids of my own. I'd never really met anyone up to that point who I felt would be a good father. I do like kids so I had been pursuing fostering. After we got together, my hands were pretty full just trying to figure out the SM stuff (work in progress!) so I put it on the back burner for a bit.
Still, I started really feeling like I wanted to have a child (or two) of my own. DH was very much on board with that. But he'd had a vasectomy after his youngest DD was born. We consulted a fertility specialist who recommended IVF rather than just a reversal. Big money--10k was the estimate we got--and lots of work to make it happen with visits and hormones and such. Plus, when the topic came up with his kids, they were VEHEMENTLY against the idea of us having a baby. (long story but it resulted in probably THE worst fight I've ever had in my life.) Lastly, we will be moving overseas sometime in the next 18 mos or so.
So anyway...due to finances and the kids and moving, it's something that I had pretty much given up on. For some reason lately though, I'm back to really really wanting to make this happen. I'm 34. My husband is 42. If we're going to do this then it needs to happen soon. I've been thinking about it a LOT lately. This week it's been BAD. I don't know why. I just feel like I need to make this happen. I haven't mentioned it to DH though. My dad, whom I've recently reconnected with after 20 years of no contact, has even offered to pay for the IVF. Crazy. But still, I've not mentioned any of this to DH.
So imagine my surprise this morning when I was face timing with DH (he's out of country on business) that he said something to the effect of, "I think I figured out how we can have a baby. I worked the numbers out and if we do X, Y and Z, I think we can afford it this year."
At first I was just gobsmacked, then excited, then I had a feeling of total dread. What will this mean for us with regards to the kids? How will they handle it? I'm barely doing well at being a SM! What will it mean for me being in a foreign country with a baby (or twins) and his kids while he's off working? No family around to help? Panic definitely set in.
What if the kids hate the idea? What if the kids don't want to live with us as a result? It would KILL him. What if I have a baby and I suck as a parent? What if what if what if?????
I swear, I'm ready to go pick up some prenatal vitamins and just embrace the idea on the one hand. On the other, I feel like I should just give up on this because it will change things for everyone. I'm most worried about the kids and their relationship with Dad if we do this.
I've got a few weeks yet before I see DH so I've got some time to think and process.
Who has been there and how did you navigate everything?