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clash in parenting styles

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
So do you and your husband have the same parenting style? His daughter is 11. My husband is very liberal once removed and doesn't parent well. He has an unruley child with no boundaries or rules. Allows her to freely express herself and make rules even for other adults. She tells and orders him me and others. She walks up to strangers and asks them for change or in resturants tells them to do things. When she is talking she tells him to be quiet and not interupt her that she is talking. She left our home and chooses to live with mom only comes over if he takes her somewhere or to play xbox. she walks all over him and its hard to watch and sometimes embarrassing. Her behavior or lack of often bothers are household. She recently told him she wants him to herself and he allows her to tell me when I can and can not come with them places. When she goes out with us he holds her hand and walks ahead of me and my kids. When he sits on the couch he puts his arm around her and holds her hand and I am usually not allowed to sit by him. She is trying to divide our family of 5. ...I am a strict well balanced parent to my kids 13 and 16. Life is smooth and drama free until she calls or comes over and I need help coping with a 11 yr old ruling my liife at times.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 1, 2013 at 7:25 AM
Replies (11-20):
ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:51 AM
So apparently she's barely there in that case why not let her have dad to herself. You don't cook, clean, go out with them, etc. You keep you and your kids away from her as much as possible. If you can't afford to take your kids out of the house while she's there and you don't have friends or family you can hangout with then you and your kids pile up in your room and watch movies or something. You can't change this child behavior if DH doesn't believe it needs to change. Maybe counseling will help him to realize the problems, but until then its best to just keep your distance. Oh and if she comes up to you and tries to boss you simply tell her she's not the parent and walk away.
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Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:05 AM
1 mom liked this
I hate it when parents allow children to be such brats! They're setting them up for failure. Anyway, DH is the problem and if he refuses to change the way he parents and interacts with her, your only options are to leave him, get counseling, or just do something else when she comes over. Don't go on outings with them, don't have dinner together, just completely refuse to interact with them until they can treat people in a decent manner.
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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:07 AM
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She is not interested in the family. She only wants to spend time with her dad. So, when she is there, disengage and let him deal with her. Let him know that you won't tolerate the behavior so when she is there, you will give them their space. When she bosses you, let her know she is not your parent and it is not OK to talk to you like that and walk away.
He needs to step up and discipline her. It is simply not OK to be rude and bossy and she obviously has to learn some tact. It is dh's job to handle this.

My sd10's behavior is pretty atrocious and after being involved in therapy and all for 5 years, I am done. Bm and Dh made her and it is their fault she acts like this so they can deal with it. I do have her, as well as our children, if she is supposed to be here and he is at work. I let her know she won't talk to me that way and what is not acceptable and if it continues to be a problem, she goes to her room til he gets home. I refuse to cater to a child any longer and I refuse to put our kids on the back burner any longer to deal with tantrums and drama when she doesn't get her way.
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leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:16 AM

DH and I basically have the same parenting style, discipline is constantly enforced and respect for all. The style is basically the same with BM.

macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:18 AM
1 mom liked this

She is not the problem.

Your husband is the problem. He is the one you need to work on.

newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:34 AM
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One thing that jumped out at me is that he is super strict with your kids...that is a big HELL NO. He can't have it both ways...he is like the SM who loves er bios and has a huge bio filter with her own kid an cracks down like hell on the ones that aren't her own because they annoy the crap out of her...you need to shut that shit down...you handle your kids exclusively...they will hate him and end up resenting you or letting the double standard happen. He is creating a seriously divided home. He has no business parenting your kids of his own shit isn't handled. Parent yours and keep him away feom any disciplining of yours and let him handle his child when she is there. When your SD is there let tem be alone together and do your thing with your kids because they need time with you exclusively. They really don't need this biased jackass of a SF parenting them.


Quoting Anonymous:

She is suppose to be here 7 days off and on. He let's her do what she wants. Dad works 6 days a week so doesn't have much time for special outtings with her alone. My problem is I don't believe that children should run adults lives. Its pretty hard to ignore her poor behavior also. My other two kids want his attention as well. Also I keep having to talk to my children about their unruly bossy step sister and step dad is looking wishy washy because he is super strick with them. He is not with biodaughter bcuz he is afraod of her

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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:37 AM
What's the history with SD? How long has her parent been broken up and who had custody? Nothing will change unless your DH decides to. It will probably get ugly. My DHs stepfather was like that but his step brothers were with the family 100%. DH didn't like him for awhile. And blamed his lax parenting on his super strich SF.

DZh and I used to go rounds on things he would let go. Things got better but I had to learn to loosen up.
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:59 AM

An 11yo can't rule your life unless you permit it.  Your DH has the same option, but he chooses to led her lead the way.  You don't have to follow.  You can let them do their thing and spend time with your own kids instead.  But as far as him being super strict with your kids, I would not sit idly by and allow that to happen.  He needs to treat all the kids the same or back off.  That's probably where you should start in counseling, discussing the unequal treatment amongst the kids.  It's somewhat less direct than "Your kid rules our lives!" but still gets to the point that either all of them get a free rein or she gets reined in.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:02 AM
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He's allowing it. I wouldn't put up w him treating me that way or my kids.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 1, 2013 at 11:07 AM
1 mom liked this

You should read the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It addresses children who behave this way.

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