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clash in parenting styles

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
So do you and your husband have the same parenting style? His daughter is 11. My husband is very liberal once removed and doesn't parent well. He has an unruley child with no boundaries or rules. Allows her to freely express herself and make rules even for other adults. She tells and orders him me and others. She walks up to strangers and asks them for change or in resturants tells them to do things. When she is talking she tells him to be quiet and not interupt her that she is talking. She left our home and chooses to live with mom only comes over if he takes her somewhere or to play xbox. she walks all over him and its hard to watch and sometimes embarrassing. Her behavior or lack of often bothers are household. She recently told him she wants him to herself and he allows her to tell me when I can and can not come with them places. When she goes out with us he holds her hand and walks ahead of me and my kids. When he sits on the couch he puts his arm around her and holds her hand and I am usually not allowed to sit by him. She is trying to divide our family of 5. ...I am a strict well balanced parent to my kids 13 and 16. Life is smooth and drama free until she calls or comes over and I need help coping with a 11 yr old ruling my liife at times.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 1, 2013 at 7:25 AM
Replies (31-40):
Eyelashes23
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 1:42 PM
I agree with you. Yes he should have some alone time with her but she seems to be calling all the shots. I wouldn't put up with that. Good luck


Quoting Anonymous:

Were newly weds so were duh very close and do everything together. I hear a lot of people saying just let them have their time. Kind of hard bcuz then I would never see him. He doesn't have much extra time ..he works a lot then he comes home eats and soon its off to bed. He is up at. 3 and were in bed by 8. I see him 20 hrs a week mostly its on Sunday.on Sunday we go to church and out for breakfast then. He takes a nap. It doesn't work for private time for anyone. Besides that is just giving her what she wants a divided family just her and dad the way it used to be. Private dadddy dates are not happening so maybe you should suggest ways to have her be part of the family. Seems like that is a more unified approach.

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 1, 2013 at 1:51 PM
2 moms liked this

The counselor's we have worked with in the past do not recommend allowing a child to run the home and isolate the parent during the entire visitation. It is not healthy. The recommendations have always been by all books, counselor's and psychologists are for the parents to be the adults and set clear boundaries. Kids thrive in homes that have boundaries even if they do not act like it.

There are several ways you can do this but the BF needs to start by stepping up and guiding his child to less aggressive and disrespectful. There is a subtle message you can send about heirarchy within the home without speaking words. My DH do not let anyone walk into our room without knocking. We sit beside each other every-where. That is our place, beside one another. There isn't a child that will trump that. We also hold hands and are very affectionate with one another so the message sent to all the kids is "this is very important to me. we aren't going anywhere."  

We also always discuss behaviors of the kids with each other and tell the kids that is what we are doing before consequences are handed out. We start visitation with some alone time but I think BF can say to his daughter "I have 20 minutes where you and I can read a book or play a game then we have to go to church, lunch and I have to take a nap. You can play a game while I take a nap or spend time with SM but I expect you to be respecful else you will have to spend time in your room."  Set boundaries, time limits and expectations then follow through with it.

We are going to start with something called behavioral extintion within our home. The process is to not reward bad behavor. Rewarding bad behavior can be both negative and positive rewarding - any attention to the the behavior you want to change is rewarding it. You can google it for examples and ideas.

In my home, your SD would have been removed from participating in the festivities until she could be respectful. If there was a tantrum, then she would have been placed in a car until she calmed down.

moselycat201
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:44 PM

This one is close to my heart.  YIKES!  I'm the parent with rules and my husband is the friend to my steps.  The only advise I can give you is to start now.  The toughest years are coming soon.  I wish I would have not been so accomodating and set the house rules in the early years.  I now have adult step kids that still behave badly around our house and others.  Good luck to you.  Im a firm believer that the house should not be upset, and rules are rules regardless of who is there.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:50 PM
Words of wisdom Thank you so much that is what we need sound fixing advice not the judging or dividing. She needs good sound parenting not more running the show. 100 percent alone time would never fill her. She needs expectations boundaies and unity. I married my husband thinking I was making a new family and so did he. We want the same thing . If he just wanted a life with her he would of never asked me to marry him. He is a family man and wants love and peace. He has a hurting aniexty filled insecure daughter who isn't even mothered by bm. Sad I taught her about God and having been doing consistency in the home. She is craving it and always tries to hold my hand or sit on my lap.she even mimics some of my behaviors. I have love and hope but also pain your suggestions were wonderful. Thank you again! This is her hope for becoming a better teen and adult she has been on such a wild pathway!
Eyelashes23
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 5:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I totally agree with everything you said.


Quoting Anonymous:

The counselor's we have worked with in the past do not recommend allowing a child to run the home and isolate the parent during the entire visitation. It is not healthy. The recommendations have always been by all books, counselor's and psychologists are for the parents to be the adults and set clear boundaries. Kids thrive in homes that have boundaries even if they do not act like it.


There are several ways you can do this but the BF needs to start by stepping up and guiding his child to less aggressive and disrespectful. There is a subtle message you can send about heirarchy within the home without speaking words. My DH do not let anyone walk into our room without knocking. We sit beside each other every-where. That is our place, beside one another. There isn't a child that will trump that. We also hold hands and are very affectionate with one another so the message sent to all the kids is "this is very important to me. we aren't going anywhere."  


We also always discuss behaviors of the kids with each other and tell the kids that is what we are doing before consequences are handed out. We start visitation with some alone time but I think BF can say to his daughter "I have 20 minutes where you and I can read a book or play a game then we have to go to church, lunch and I have to take a nap. You can play a game while I take a nap or spend time with SM but I expect you to be respecful else you will have to spend time in your room."  Set boundaries, time limits and expectations then follow through with it.


We are going to start with something called behavioral extintion within our home. The process is to not reward bad behavor. Rewarding bad behavior can be both negative and positive rewarding - any attention to the the behavior you want to change is rewarding it. You can google it for examples and ideas.


In my home, your SD would have been removed from participating in the festivities until she could be respectful. If there was a tantrum, then she would have been placed in a car until she calmed down.


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packermomof2
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:17 PM

So, a newbie SM comes in and wants to change things and makes demands that a child can't spend time alone with her father and she wonders why the kid doesn't want her around? 

I don't allow my kids to talk to adults in a disrespectful manner.  I also don't allow other adults to tell me what I can and can't do with my kids, alone time included.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:40 PM



Quoting packermomof2:

So, a newbie SM comes in and wants to change things and makes demands that a child can't spend time alone with her father and she wonders why the kid doesn't want her around? 

yes, that sums it up.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:53 AM
WIKN, why do some women feel their husbands need to be 'taught' parenting skills in regards to the mans own children? Don't like his partnering, don't marry him. It seems so simple.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Unless she wants to be part of "your" family, you won't allow her to see her father? Why are you trying to come between your husband  and his daughter? Their relationship came before your "family" was even a family. They were family with each other first. Why do you have such distain for the "family" that they are?



Quoting Anonymous:

if she is not interested in being apart of our family then she can just be with her mom. Bcuz that is reality I am not going to allow division Period. I just am interested in teaching my husband better parenting skills so if she does stay with us its TOLERABLE





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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:00 AM
It doesn't matter if you are a newly wed, a nuclear home or a blended home or married 14 years, kids need and thrive on one on one time with their parents. Your husband can carve out a small portion of time to give to her. The problem is your husband. He is not stepping up and putting his foot down with her. The child cannot be blamed for what her parent allows. She doesn't like you bc you are up rooting everything she has ever known. I'm not saying there doesn't need to be change but slow change and not at your doing. Her father needs to make the changes. I spend 1 on 1 time with each of my children every single day, work a full time job and have a husband who also needs one on one time. And If I can make it work anyone can make it work. It just sounds to me like you don't want to share your husband. And that is just so silly. He was a father first.


Quoting Anonymous:

Were newly weds so were duh very close and do everything together. I hear a lot of people saying just let them have their time. Kind of hard bcuz then I would never see him. He doesn't have much extra time ..he works a lot then he comes home eats and soon its off to bed. He is up at. 3 and were in bed by 8. I see him 20 hrs a week mostly its on Sunday.on Sunday we go to church and out for breakfast then. He takes a nap. It doesn't work for private time for anyone. Besides that is just giving her what she wants a divided family just her and dad the way it used to be. Private dadddy dates are not happening so maybe you should suggest ways to have her be part of the family. Seems like that is a more unified approach.

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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Don't care what he used to be....I am in the now
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