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Visitation in the mental hospital **SMALL UPDATE**

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:15 AM
  • 74 Replies
My SD15 continued to spiral out of control and has now been placed in a residential facility. She is expected to be there for around six months.

I am nursing my newborn and am unwilling to take the baby to this place. First, it is an hour and a half away and I do not think three hours in the car one or two times a week is good for baby (one therapy session and one visit). Second, we have visited with the baby to the local facilities and it is no place for a baby. DH has planned to do all of the therapy sessions via phone and is unwilling/unable to do the drive. He is not capable of long drives and would require me to do it. My older children, teens, will not be visiting because there is no need to expose them to this and they really have no interest. SD's goal was to drive everyone away and she was quite successful.

In all of this, I am being pressured by family and friends to drive down there. They think I should take the older kids and just wean my baby so I can leave her at home. I feel like the kids and I have given up enough for SD and it is time for us to start healing and learn to live a life that isn't centered around a mentally ill teen.

Thoughts? Feel free to bash or comment.

UPDATE: We had our first family session via phone today. These will not work. The quality of the call is low and cannot be put on speakerphone on our end - it is on speakerphone on their end. As soon as anything regarding the family at home was discussed, SD left - she had the therapist remove her, she did not say she was leaving and did not say goodbye. I know it sounds tragic, but she is very passive aggressive and refuses to participate in therapy unless it has a 'poor, poor SD' theme. I did not like not being able to see her face and I have concerns about manipulation (another pattern) if this is continued. I had asked if we could do this via Skype, but they said their internet quality is too poor and the video chats are too choppy to be therapeutically useful.
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by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:18 AM

Does your DH want to be there in person? Is there no one else who can drive  him?

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:24 AM
Honestly, I don't think DH wants to be there in person. He was okay when it was close by, but has little interest in subjecting himself to it. There is no one DH us willing to have drive him - his issues in the car are severe anxiety attacks and he is unwilling to let others see that. I also don't believe it would be a constructive visit after he has had an anxiety attack.

The focus seems to be on how I should take care of this - family and friends continue to see me as the one who should 'fix' everything where SD is concerned.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Does your DH want to be there in person? Is there no one else who can drive  him?

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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:26 AM
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Then I would re-focus the family and friends on the fact that your DH doesn't want to go, rather than the fact that you don't want to (or can't) take him. There is nothing to "fix."

Quoting HopesNDreams:

Honestly, I don't think DH wants to be there in person. He was okay when it was close by, but has little interest in subjecting himself to it. There is no one DH us willing to have drive him - his issues in the car are severe anxiety attacks and he is unwilling to let others see that. I also don't believe it would be a constructive visit after he has had an anxiety attack.

The focus seems to be on how I should take care of this - family and friends continue to see me as the one who should 'fix' everything where SD is concerned.


Quoting whatIknownow:

Does your DH want to be there in person? Is there no one else who can drive  him?



scraphappy12
by Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:28 AM
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I don't think you should wean the baby to do visits, that will only cause resentment. I think you should just wait it out right now, maybe in awhile she will make some progress and you may change your mind, but it sounds like everyone needs some space right now.
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Birdseed
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:54 AM
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I don't think it's your responsibility to participate in this.

However....

Is your husband getting help for his anxiety?  

Why does your husband NOT want to visit his daughter?  Sure seems to me like that might be a very integral part of her recovery.  

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:12 AM
He has gotten help in the past and has learned to deal with the day to day aspects of it. Stressful situations make it worse and long drives on highways are still not possible - this drive would have both.

As to why he doesn't want to visit...there are a number of reasons. SD has spent the last few months (years!) driving everyone away. He had LD custody until five years ago. I honestly think he doesn't know her very well and, what she shows us, isn't likable. He loves her, but there is little bonding. Diagnoses of attachment disorders and personality disorders are being assessed - it gives you an idea of what we are dealing with.

SD spends her first weeks in inpatient programs being an ideal, helpful sweetie-pie who everyone just loves. She tells her sad, sad story of abuse with BM and they all feel sad for her. When it was suggested that she was lucky to have a supportive family now, she made up stories of how WE abuse her too!! Poor, poor SD is the theme until they actually talk to is and uncover all the lies. Frankly, it is hard for anyone who had lived with her to 'want' to visit her.


Quoting Birdseed:

I don't think it's your responsibility to participate in this.

However....

Is your husband getting help for his anxiety?  

Why does your husband NOT want to visit his daughter?  Sure seems to me like that might be a very integral part of her recovery.  

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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:38 AM
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Dh should get some help for his anxiety. I have anxiety; there is medication for this. My mom has to take medication to drive/ride for long periods. Seems like he needs to step up and visit with his child. If she has attachment issues, not visiting will make it worse.

I don't see why everyone seems to think you should fix this. There is no quick fix. Dh should visit his child and form a relationship and then you can join later on.

With that said, what about the bm? Is she in the picture? I realize that your family has probably been through a lot but still shouldn't give up on the child. Dh needs to step up. As someone with anxiety it is easy to let it control you and to use it to make excuses. I am not medicated. I have learned to control it, not let it control me.
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macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:45 AM
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Lets say SD was 1.5 hours away for cancer treatment... would you go visit or let her deal with it on her own?

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:46 AM
I didn't see your reply about her saying you abused her when I replied the first time.
Sd10 told bm, therapist, the school etc that we didn't feed her, beat her, locked her in a room. It was a mess. She would cry all day on friday, the day she had to come here. I didn't realize it but for weeks a counselor was standing amongst the teachers watching. Bm and I went and had a meeting and had to run through all the past years of therapy and all her issues.

I was pretty irritated to the fact that bm said the school knew everything that was going on when they didn't. She stopped doing this once she was called out. And will do it every now and again. It is addressed immediately and she is called out.

So maybe a therapy session about her accusations are in order. I get that she has caused the family a lot of pain and it is easier to move on. But, I just can't see completely giving up on her either.
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Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:55 AM
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Um I'd say that DH needs to grow a set and go see his fucking daughter! Am I the only person that thinks this is beyond ridiculous? This poor girl has been abused by BM, a person who is supposed to love and care for her unconditionally and now she has some mental issues probably due to the abuse. So BD takes on custody for a few years and decides he doesn't like his daughter very much. Well why the hell didn't he just put her up for adoption? Instead he's going to throw her in a mental institute and forget about her? What a douche bag! That is his daughter, his little baby girl! How the hell is she supposed to get any better when she is continuously shown that NO ONE gives a shit about her,
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