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Visitation in the mental hospital **SMALL UPDATE**

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My SD15 continued to spiral out of control and has now been placed in a residential facility. She is expected to be there for around six months.

I am nursing my newborn and am unwilling to take the baby to this place. First, it is an hour and a half away and I do not think three hours in the car one or two times a week is good for baby (one therapy session and one visit). Second, we have visited with the baby to the local facilities and it is no place for a baby. DH has planned to do all of the therapy sessions via phone and is unwilling/unable to do the drive. He is not capable of long drives and would require me to do it. My older children, teens, will not be visiting because there is no need to expose them to this and they really have no interest. SD's goal was to drive everyone away and she was quite successful.

In all of this, I am being pressured by family and friends to drive down there. They think I should take the older kids and just wean my baby so I can leave her at home. I feel like the kids and I have given up enough for SD and it is time for us to start healing and learn to live a life that isn't centered around a mentally ill teen.

Thoughts? Feel free to bash or comment.

UPDATE: We had our first family session via phone today. These will not work. The quality of the call is low and cannot be put on speakerphone on our end - it is on speakerphone on their end. As soon as anything regarding the family at home was discussed, SD left - she had the therapist remove her, she did not say she was leaving and did not say goodbye. I know it sounds tragic, but she is very passive aggressive and refuses to participate in therapy unless it has a 'poor, poor SD' theme. I did not like not being able to see her face and I have concerns about manipulation (another pattern) if this is continued. I had asked if we could do this via Skype, but they said their internet quality is too poor and the video chats are too choppy to be therapeutically useful.
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by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:15 AM
Replies (61-70):
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 7:49 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for sharing this. It closely describes SD's childhood with her bipolar mother too.

BM basically told SD she was replaceable. Her behaviors, as a result, are constantly testing everyone's love or shoving them away with both hands. There is very little that is pleasant and what is comes in the form of a fake happy personality the could rot your teeth from sweetness. There is little to relate to or bond with. So much of being attached to her is because we should be, not because of any actual relationship - SD doesn't allow them. We are hoping this hospitalization will finally allow the person she truly is to shine through.

I agree that DH needs to be there for her. I don't think he knows how to without me. However, I also know that a relationship that only exists with me facilitating it will not work. We had hoped the inpatient team would work on this, but that does not seem to be part of the current plan.


Quoting packermomof2:

I fault you for nothing.  Your husband, on the other hand, needs to be there for his kid.  Freeway driving is hard for me; I can literaly drive white knuclkled because I'm holding so tight for miles.  There are times I need complete silence as talking just addes to the stress I'm already feeling from having to do this driving.  But sometimes it needs to be done.


And yes, I've been there.  I have a menally ill mother.  Currently on so many meds that I don't think she knows what she takes or if she is double dosing becuase she sees more than one doc and isn't always honest with her med lists. She's manic depressive and NOTHING is ever her fault.  Her life is miserable because of everyone around her.  She calls to tattle on everyone to my grandfather, who, in turn, calls us and gets the real story.  She used to beat the crap out of me - would hit me until I cried (and I, being defiant, never did in front of her, so the beatings went on for a while).  She allowed one SF to sexually abuse me (she walked in on him and turned a blind eye to it) and the other physically abused two of us with her knowlege.  Both men divorced her.


This woman has attempted suicide multiple times.  Has come close a few of them.  She is very hard to deal with and I feel bad when I don't see/ work with her and I feel even worse when I do.  But she is the only mother I have so I make it work and deal with it.


Your husband needs to do the same for his kid. No, she isn't the only one he has but your kids aren 't replacable and what is he showing her by doing this?

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chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Here's my thought. You and DH need to suck it up and go to these sessions IN PERSON. DH can take a zanax or whatever he needs for his "anxiety". The girl is in a freakin MENTAL HOSPITAL.

No one expects you to wean your baby and 3 hours away from your baby isn't going to wean her. You could alternatively bring someone along to hold your baby in the waiting room. Stop making excuses. Yes, it's a complete PITA but the girl needs y'all....and especially her father!
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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:36 PM
Three hours is just the driving. With wait time, security, and the session, it will be closer to six. My daughter cannot go six hours without a feeding and we do not do bottles - nor am I going to.

My three month old has already been in two other mental hospitals during this mess. As the patients walk by, you can hear them being warned to keep their hands at their sides and not reach for, touch, or make sounds at the baby. Simply put, it is neither physically or emotionally safe for a baby.

I agree that DH needs to find a way to do this. I do not agree that I or my baby need to be a part of it. Would you take your children to a mental hospital? I assure you that it is about ten times worse than what you are picturing.


Quoting chasinrainbows:

Here's my thought. You and DH need to suck it up and go to these sessions IN PERSON. DH can take a zanax or whatever he needs for his "anxiety". The girl is in a freakin MENTAL HOSPITAL.



No one expects you to wean your baby and 3 hours away from your baby isn't going to wean her. You could alternatively bring someone along to hold your baby in the waiting room. Stop making excuses. Yes, it's a complete PITA but the girl needs y'all....and especially her father!
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deadlights86
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:58 PM

A medical facility's internet is to poor to run skype? That sounds like bull my cell phone can run skype.

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 3:05 PM
You know, that's what I said too! I actually considered investing in an iPhone and account to solve it, but they won't accept valuable items.

Quoting deadlights86:

A medical facility's internet is to poor to run skype? That sounds like bull my cell phone can run skype.

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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 6:19 PM

I agree with Packer.  

I think your DH needs to work harder on himself so he can be there for his child.  Or hire a driver.  

This fall, on my way home I rolled my vehicle 3 times on the highway going 70mph (the speed limit, I don't speed).  Walked away with only bruises, thank God.  But my husband was already moved to another state and I had to get right back on the horse and drive that same stretch of highway every day to and from work, then drive to move to another state.  White knuckles most of the time.  I was too scared to drive with Xanax in my system so I'd wait til I got to work or home (shaking) then take it.  I still prefer to not drive on the highway if I can help it.  High speed scares the crap out of me now.  If there's a back road 35mph way to go, I take it.  

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is good.  Square breathing or other meditation type exercises are good. I get that he's not in a great place right now, but he needs to be there for his daughter.  Seriously.

I'm not going to knock you for not wanting to go.  But the flip side is that you seem to be the only one in this situation who isn't falling apart.  Would there be any type of setup that you'd feel comfortable with if you went?  

chasinrainbows
by Gold Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 6:33 PM
My child has stayed in a mental hospital before. Does that answer your question? So drive your husband there and sit outside with the baby. I never had a session last longer than an hour, tops.

Quoting HopesNDreams:

Three hours is just the driving. With wait time, security, and the session, it will be closer to six. My daughter cannot go six hours without a feeding and we do not do bottles - nor am I going to.



My three month old has already been in two other mental hospitals during this mess. As the patients walk by, you can hear them being warned to keep their hands at their sides and not reach for, touch, or make sounds at the baby. Simply put, it is neither physically or emotionally safe for a baby.



I agree that DH needs to find a way to do this. I do not agree that I or my baby need to be a part of it. Would you take your children to a mental hospital? I assure you that it is about ten times worse than what you are picturing.




Quoting chasinrainbows:

Here's my thought. You and DH need to suck it up and go to these sessions IN PERSON. DH can take a zanax or whatever he needs for his "anxiety". The girl is in a freakin MENTAL HOSPITAL.





No one expects you to wean your baby and 3 hours away from your baby isn't going to wean her. You could alternatively bring someone along to hold your baby in the waiting room. Stop making excuses. Yes, it's a complete PITA but the girl needs y'all....and especially her father!
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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 6:36 PM
Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely look into it. Hiring a driver is not an option. His income has been cut in half by all the therapy and meeting we have had to attend and he is our only income. Honestly, the gas each week would be a financial challenge.

Honestly, I'm tired of being the only one who hasn't fallen apart. 12 years ago when my son was diagnosed with autism, I was strong and handled everything - I figured I could fall apart later when things were stable. Of course, that time never comes. Just as my son was really excelling, we got custody of SD, so it started all over again. In 12 years, this is the first therapeutic thing that I have put my foot down and said I will not do and that is only because it hurts one of my other children. I am tired. I feel like the only way I get a break is if I develop my own mental illness.

I just want a brief break before I break down. I want a brief period that our family is happy again. I am sorry that it can only happen because SD is locked up, but don't we all deserve a break? I'll be a self-sacrificing hero for my own four kids, but there is a limit. That limit is how far I will go for a child who told my autistic sons friends that I beat her. That limit is sitting through more therapy sessions listening to what a horrible person I am for doing thins I never did. That limit is laying my body over my newborn baby so the inmates won't harm her as they walk by. That limit is doing one bit more than her biological relatives will do. Sorry to rant on and on.


Quoting Birdseed:

I agree with Packer.  

I think your DH needs to work harder on himself so he can be there for his child.  Or hire a driver.  

This fall, on my way home I rolled my vehicle 3 times on the highway going 70mph (the speed limit, I don't speed).  Walked away with only bruises, thank God.  But my husband was already moved to another state and I had to get right back on the horse and drive that same stretch of highway every day to and from work, then drive to move to another state.  White knuckles most of the time.  I was too scared to drive with Xanax in my system so I'd wait til I got to work or home (shaking) then take it.  I still prefer to not drive on the highway if I can help it.  High speed scares the crap out of me now.  If there's a back road 35mph way to go, I take it.  

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is good.  Square breathing or other meditation type exercises are good. I get that he's not in a great place right now, but he needs to be there for his daughter.  Seriously.

I'm not going to knock you for not wanting to go.  But the flip side is that you seem to be the only one in this situation who isn't falling apart.  Would there be any type of setup that you'd feel comfortable with if you went?  

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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 6:46 PM
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No, I think you're totally within your rights and reason to not want to get more involved.  I do.  I just was wondering if there was a scenario you could envision that would make this easier and get DH there safely.

If there's not, there's not.  If you're out of gas, you're out of gas.  I get that.  If we don't take care of ourselves, there's nothing left to take care of others.  

There's another book you might get something out of...not totally your situation, but there might be good nuggets in there for you.

It's called "Facing Codependence" and it's by Pia Mellody.  There are several revisions.  I'm not saying that it all applies to you, but there may be some helpful things in there.  Not a hard read.  Good stuff.

Wish you the best.

liltigersmom
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:35 PM

i read a post, that they might think she has bpd borderline personality disorder. dbt is a therapy they use for that disorder, even though they don't diagnose until 18, it has been helpful to others. is she into self harm, cutting or anything like that. a good book is, helping teens who cut. its a good book.

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