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Does anyone else have these issues in their mixed family? This is a really long vent!

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

This is more of a vent than anything, I'm so aggravated I'm going to explode! Ok just a quick version of background. Im married to my first love who I dated at 14. Things didn't work out back then and we went our seperate ways and got back together about 14 years later. At that time I had an almost 2 yr old. My DH was great with my son they were instant buddies. About a month or so into us dating ( for the second time) he gets a phone call from the girl he had just broke it off with right before we got back together. It wasn't serious, he met her on a dating site and they dated for a month or so. She told him she was pregnant! My first instinct was to run from this relationship because I thought this would be a situation I wouldn't handle well, but I didn't. He was so excepting of my son how could I not be of his. And still he wasn't sure that this was even his child, he wasn't sure he believed her. When he broke it off with her she didn't take it well and actually begged for him to give her another chance he explained he wasn't interested she asked if they could at least continue having sex.  So he started feeling like this was a desperate attempt to get him back. Especially because when she told him she was pregnant he said he wants to be involved in his child's life and to please keep him updated about dr apts and anything else and that was the last time we heard anything from her. My DH tried contacting her everyway possible and she never responded. She lives about an hour and 15 mins away. He left her several voicemails on her cell, home phone, he emailed several times. All with no response for months. We started to think she was lying even more now until, finally he got her mothers phone number and called to see if he could find anything out from her. Her mother said " leave my daughter alone you are nothing but a sperm donner" so at that point we took legal action and we were advised to go to the court house and file for joint custody. We got a letter from her lawyer saying the hadn't been born but we would be notified when he was. That was just the beginning of a long custody battle. 

Anyway, to say the least the next year was difficult on all of us. But the point of me telling you all of this is because my husband has had so many issues with things that went on with my son. For one my mom has always had a special relationship with my son, he was the first grandchild and she used to babysit for the first few months of his life until I was able to put him in daycare. So my mom took things a little to far with spoiling him and overstepping her boundaries as a grandparent. Like over ruling what I said to him, taking him out of time out when I put him n and then telling me he didn't deserve it...etc etc lots and lots more. Well I didn't think it was right, but my husband made such a big deal out of it that we would constantly fight about it.  My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressfully and difficult time in my life. I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across because I felt it was hopeless and it was ruining my relationship with my mom, but then my husband would get so mad at me for letting things go and not saying anything. It was all very hard on me and took a huge toll on me. So as the past few years have gone on the situation with my mom has gotten a little better but not much. So what kills me now is that my husband son was able to start coming for full weekends when he was about 9 mths and now all these rules that he had set for my son, all of which I thought were reasonable things and for the greater good, but I probably would have let slide if he wasn't around ie: sleeping in my bed every night, only eating and drinking at his little table or the kitchen table, getting rid of pacifier etc. all those things he pushed for because he thought they were so important all the sudden weren't important when his son came inthe picture. So of course I started pointing all those things out and we fought like crazy about everything he did that I felt was hypocritical. It got so bad that we had to go to counseling about it. We now have a 3 yr old son together as well. So now my dhs mother is doing the same shit my mother was doing with my son that drove my husband so crazy, but with my Ss. I haven't made too much of an issue about it until last night. Easter was my dhs holiday to have Ss, and my mil offered to go pick up Ss so of course my husband was like yeah! Because the ride to get him sucks it  about a 2 hr round trip. well we waited and waited for her to drop him off at our house and it started to get pretty late, mind u my 3 yr old was waiting to see his brother who he loves to hang out with.  My DH finally texted his mother and said where are u guys? She said oh we are at my house we were about to eat and I was just going to just have him sleep over because her granddaughter was there and spending the night as well. So if he hadn't texted her, she wasn't even going o call and tell us she was having him sleepover? Also his brother was so excited his brother was coming andthen we had to disappoint him with that, but also the fact that he wasn't invited to the sleepover at grandmas house. Not only is that so rude, but so hurtful to me that she doesn't even invite her other grandchild. Do you think my husband even cared? Nope! He told her yeah that's fine he can stay. WTF! I was so annoyed. Why did he get so worked up when my mom did stuff like that and not when his did? He mad life so difficult when that was happening with my mom and now if I say something to him about it, he says Im just trying to pick a fight with him. Ugghhhh! Not to mention his now 5 yr old (my Ss )is so rude to me. Yesterday, at our family event anything I asked him he responded with a rude attitude, do u think my husband said anything? Nope! Am I wrong for getting so frustrated about these things? Is it ever going to get better? I never thought it was gong to be this hard.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:55 AM
Replies (11-20):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 1, 2013 at 7:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes I agree, a third party does need to get involved and hopefully I can get him to agree to that again with me sooner then later. Our mothers definitely don't respect us as parents or we wouldn't be dealing with this, but I feel as though both of our mothers are the same in the sense that they are both so stubborn and when anything is said to them they over react and take complete offense. In all the times i tried talking to my mother about the stuff she was doing that was bothering me, she took it to a huge fight. Not once did she ever say I see where u are coming from and I will stop doing that. She would just fight me tooth and nail until I had no choice but to hang up on her because I truly felt like I was talking to the wall. I feel like when all that stuff was going on, I did what I was supposed to do and I spoke up to my mother. I pointed out all the things I didn't like, even though part of me didn't want to have to deal with the fight I knew I would be getting. I did it because I thought it was right and also because my husband felt so strongly about it. I mean it truly infuriated him! So I feel like he should do the same. I just don't get how he once felt so strongly about this issue and now when it's his mother doing it, its ok? We really don't have any issues with our child together.  We don't have any issues really until Ss comes over because we kinda have a good routine here with my son and our child together. So we don't really have any disagreements anymore about them. We have agreed on how certain things will be and we stick to that all week, but then when Ss comes all the sudden he is the exception to the rule and that's when all the issues begin.


Quoting Anonymous:



Quoting Mommyof5247:

This. Absolute necessity to get an impartial 3rd party to point these things out & get DH to really take a look at his part in the situation (and of course, same goes for you).
Maybe even parenting classes.

When it comes to the grandparents, you & DH should get on the same page first, then sit down with the grandmas TOGETHER, as a team. Also, do ALL pickups, drop offs yourselves even it it "sucks". Your mothers don't sound as though they respect you or see you as adults let alone parents. Have your rules & boundaries agreed on & ready to inform grandmas.

How do you two raise the son you share? How do things work or not work there?


Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.





USBrit
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 7:16 PM
1 mom liked this

It will only get better if you have boundaries for all your children and your extended families. I think you should get the book boundaries and read it carefully. It states how those that you are setting boundaries for will be angry, but the end result for all of you will be much better as everyone will have a clearer understanding of what works and what doesnt. It has some very good insight especially for blended families.

Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 7:59 PM
I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across

^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.


Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.



Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?





Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 



Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.











Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:23 PM

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  


Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across

^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.


Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.



Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?





Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 



Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.













Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 1, 2013 at 8:29 PM


Also me saying " after awhile I would give up..." means after awhile of me fighting and arguing with her about it with absolutely no end result! So after a few years of wasting my breath I gave up, it was pointless trying to talk to someone who can't see past anger is useless. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  


Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across

^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.


Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.



Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?





Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 



Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.















Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:36 PM
1 mom liked this
All of that is really irrelevant because you allowed it to continue, even up to this point. So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through?


Quoting Anonymous:

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  



Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across



^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.





Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.




Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?








Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 




Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.



















Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
shanlee42
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 9:47 PM

It does sound like you are trying to force your H to do something with his mother that you yourself weren't able to do with yours. Again, that's just how I read your post.

There are two take aways here. (1) he should pick his DS up himself instead of allowing his mom since you know she is going to take advantage and (2) counseling to co-parent is the way to go.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 1, 2013 at 10:46 PM

I think that he should speak up because according to him "that behavior is unacceptable" and he expected me to speak up. Regardless of wether or not I was able to get my mother to stop, I tried my hardest! He has just ignored it like its no big deal and to me that is hypocritical. Now I guess it's my fault for not putting every single detail of what hapened between my mom and I, but I didn't think it was necessary. So who are you to make a comment like " So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through? " first of all I didn't just argue with my mom a couple times. I have made it clear that we fought like crazy for along time about this and I also did write in my post ( which it doesn't seem like you read) after she refused to respect what I said we stopped spending time with her. What I didn't go in to complete detail with was the fact I ended up cutting her out of my life completely for several months because she refused to respect me. When we finally did sit down to talk she agreed to all the things I said I needed her to respect and she did for awhile, but little by little a few issues would arise, but like I said it is better now. I had to come to terms with the fact that she is who she is if i ever just want to have a decent relationship with my mother. So let's just be clear here you think that me expecting my husband to speak up and say something about how what she did wasn't right is too much to ask for when I have been through hell with my mother about the same thing? Honestly if you don't have some supportive advice then you should probably keep our rude comments to yourself. I came on here to get support with something difficult, not for someone to make a difficult situation worse.


Quoting Rae706:

All of that is really irrelevant because you allowed it to continue, even up to this point. So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through?


Quoting Anonymous:

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  



Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across



^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.





Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.




Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?








Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 




Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.





















Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:21 PM

I honestly wasn't trying to be rude, just making an observation. And I can totally understand where your DH is coming from. You never followed through, you gave up, you said that yourself. Now you expect him to put a stop to something that you never put a stop to yourself. That is hypocritical. 


Quoting Anonymous:

I think that he should speak up because according to him "that behavior is unacceptable" and he expected me to speak up. Regardless of wether or not I was able to get my mother to stop, I tried my hardest! He has just ignored it like its no big deal and to me that is hypocritical. Now I guess it's my fault for not putting every single detail of what hapened between my mom and I, but I didn't think it was necessary. So who are you to make a comment like " So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through? " first of all I didn't just argue with my mom a couple times. I have made it clear that we fought like crazy for along time about this and I also did write in my post ( which it doesn't seem like you read) after she refused to respect what I said we stopped spending time with her. What I didn't go in to complete detail with was the fact I ended up cutting her out of my life completely for several months because she refused to respect me. When we finally did sit down to talk she agreed to all the things I said I needed her to respect and she did for awhile, but little by little a few issues would arise, but like I said it is better now. I had to come to terms with the fact that she is who she is if i ever just want to have a decent relationship with my mother. So let's just be clear here you think that me expecting my husband to speak up and say something about how what she did wasn't right is too much to ask for when I have been through hell with my mother about the same thing? Honestly if you don't have some supportive advice then you should probably keep our rude comments to yourself. I came on here to get support with something difficult, not for someone to make a difficult situation worse.


Quoting Rae706:

All of that is really irrelevant because you allowed it to continue, even up to this point. So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through?


Quoting Anonymous:

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  



Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across



^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.





Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.




Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?








Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 




Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.























Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:20 PM

I'm not sure what is not clear about what I have said to you. I expect him to do the same thing I did, which is speak up. Wether his mom actually respects what he says or if she doesn't is not the issue. Obviously he nor I have control over our parents and can't force anyone to change. What I am saying for the last time is that I spoke up, no I did way more than speak up, but regardless I spoke up and all I am asking is that he do the same. Wether he gets her to respect what he says or not is not the issue right now. And why do you keep saying that I never followed through? I followed through to the point that I had to cut my mother out of our lives. So you think that he shouldnt have to say anything to his mom because after years of me speaking up, arguing and fighting with my mom, i wasnt able to get her to completely change her behavior? So because I wasn't able to totally control m mother he shouldn't have to say anything about his mothers behavior? Seriously? I feel he should do just as much as I did to stop the behavior, if he is able to great if not then we will deal with that when the time comes. But him not even saying anything about it at all is not ok with me.


Quoting Rae706:

I honestly wasn't trying to be rude, just making an observation. And I can totally understand where your DH is coming from. You never followed through, you gave up, you said that yourself. Now you expect him to put a stop to something that you never put a stop to yourself. That is hypocritical. 


Quoting Anonymous:

I think that he should speak up because according to him "that behavior is unacceptable" and he expected me to speak up. Regardless of wether or not I was able to get my mother to stop, I tried my hardest! He has just ignored it like its no big deal and to me that is hypocritical. Now I guess it's my fault for not putting every single detail of what hapened between my mom and I, but I didn't think it was necessary. So who are you to make a comment like " So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through? " first of all I didn't just argue with my mom a couple times. I have made it clear that we fought like crazy for along time about this and I also did write in my post ( which it doesn't seem like you read) after she refused to respect what I said we stopped spending time with her. What I didn't go in to complete detail with was the fact I ended up cutting her out of my life completely for several months because she refused to respect me. When we finally did sit down to talk she agreed to all the things I said I needed her to respect and she did for awhile, but little by little a few issues would arise, but like I said it is better now. I had to come to terms with the fact that she is who she is if i ever just want to have a decent relationship with my mother. So let's just be clear here you think that me expecting my husband to speak up and say something about how what she did wasn't right is too much to ask for when I have been through hell with my mother about the same thing? Honestly if you don't have some supportive advice then you should probably keep our rude comments to yourself. I came on here to get support with something difficult, not for someone to make a difficult situation worse.


Quoting Rae706:

All of that is really irrelevant because you allowed it to continue, even up to this point. So you think DH should nix the behavior immediately because you argued with your mom a couple of times, but didn't follow through?


Quoting Anonymous:

Ok now you can read the 2 sentences before that which is "My mom and I had several fights about this over the years. It put a strain on my relationship with my mom and my husband. I couldn't win. Either way I had someone mad at me. It was a very stressful and difficult time in my life"  



Quoting Rae706:

I wanted to do what was right, but I couldn't get my mom to see where I was coming from so after a while I would give up trying to put my foot down and get my point across



^^^^ that doesn't exactly sound like putting your foot down.





Quoting Anonymous:


Ummm did you read what I wrote? I did put my foot down with my mother...over and over so much to the point that it was ruining my relationship with my mother.  I also wrote. That my mother and I constantly argued about this until I grew so tired of fighting with her I started to back off. At that point if she didn't respect what I said we just wouldn't go over there until she was ready to start respecting me a little more. So no I am not a hypocrite, I spoke up and fought for what I thought was right.




Quoting Rae706:

Aren't you being a hypocrite? I mean you said that you never really put your foot down with your mom, so why do you expect him to do differently?








Quoting Anonymous:


I agree, but we've already done the counseling. I guess we may have to go back. It just seems ridiculous to me that he can't see that he is being a hypocrite without going to counseling and just do what's right himself. 




Quoting Derdriu:

Couples counseling.  You and your DH need to get on the same parenting page AND learn to set healthy boundaries with your mothers.

























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