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Random thoughts about being a SM

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:34 PM
  • 4 Replies

BM will call DH with Mt. Everest siutations that if he shares them with me, and I volunteer to help out (take SD somewhere, pick SD up from somewhere, pay for something, provide insurance etc.), then suddenly POOF, its no longer an issue.  You'd think, PROBLEM SOLVED, right?  Wrong, she never fails to back paddle whenever I am the one "representing" DH.  Now, this doesn't happen often, as he is a very hands-on Dad, but when reasonable, rational things come up, and he's unable to do them, I am quick to step in.  Thing is, when I do that, magically BM can do it afterall. 

JUST A FEW EXAMPLES:

2 weeks ago, there was Talent Show at SD's school, so I went.  BM kept calling SD's phone repeatedly and then I heard "Mom!  Stom (that's me) came, I'm fine. I can't hear you bye."  Turns out, BM knew about the show, but told SD to call DH.  Well, she called me instead cause I'm way cooler than DH.  No just kidding, she knew her Dad would be working.  So of course I went!  Hadn't been to a HS talent show in YEARS; omg have you seen how these girls dress?!?!  Anyway I digress.

BM said "no" to prom because she just lost 1 of her 3 jobs and her money is funny.  Well, I agreed to pay prom fees.  I explained to SD that between DH  & BM, she'd have to take care of her dress etc.  Now suddenly, BM has the money, not just for the fees, but for the whole kit & kaboodle.  Ok fine, whatever lady.

This past weekend, she called DH to take SD on a college visit.  He couldn't, so I volunteered.  Suddenly, you guessed it, she doesn't have to work afterall.  She took SD on the visit (not without asking DH for a tank of gas).

SD has 2 competitions coming up back-to-back weekends...out of state (comp fees, bus fare, hotel, petty cash, food).  BM told all of us (SD, DH & the coaches) "no" because her money is funny.  DH has had SD raising funds all along and we secretly agreed to make up any amount she's short, so she can go with the team.  I wrote the check for the bus fare for BOTH trips already, plus put the hotel rooms on MY credit card. 

Drum roll please:  when BM found out, she called the coach to find out what amount she needs to come up with, because now she sees how "badly SD wants to be with the team."

If she can magically find the money, time, resources ONLY AFTER I offer, then she had it all along.  Sometimes, ladies, I think BMs call our men just for the hell of it.  He just upgraded my ring and ever since, it seems like BM has called DAILY trying to get in his wallet for any ole thing!

If you've read my posts,  you know I don't compete with BM.  That's her child, I'm happy to step aside.  SD latched on to me like a cast around my leg when I came into her life.  She had lived with DH all-but-one year of her life because BM worked 3 jobs, and just wasn't very involved.  As our relationship grew, I guess BM felt threatened and began to step up about 2 yrs ago.  Well, by that time SD was 14 and had already learned who her Go-To parent was: DH.  When I saw BM's efforts, I fell back (disengaged) but not without SD wondering wtf?!  Which broke my  heart. 

This SM stuff is really a balancing act!  Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:34 PM
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Replies (1-4):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:46 PM
Haha. So I should offer to buy ss9 some shoes, so BM will?
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:50 PM

SM is a trigger for some BMs, but if SM recognizes that she is in a position to better navigate how things go.

moselycat201
by on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:51 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you have this one figured out.  BM is intimidated by you and doesnt want you to be the one to save the day.  I also wonder if BM is just trying to figure out how to keep talking to BD for no real reason??

ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2013 at 2:56 PM
Well each situation is definitely different. My SS's BM does nothing to help out with SS when DH filed for child support she hired a lawyer so she could try to stop it and she has temporarily. She never asks if he needs anything. She hasn't even asked for class pictures. In fact SS's ex-SF has helped way more than BM has...
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