Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

overwhelmed...again

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:36 AM
  • 30 Replies
So sd10 was starting to behave quite well, considering the behavior issues the past 5 years. BUT, the last 3 or 4 weeks have just gotten worse. And it all seems aimed toward me. My dad moved in, which o think helped her behavior because she has a lot of respect for him, they have a bond and she knows he just wouldn't put up with that shit. Now whenever he isn't home, she is back to her usual nasty attitude, tantrums, screaming, back talking, poor-me-everyone-is-against-me attitude whenshe gets in trouble. Then he and Dh get home and she acts like nothing happened all day.

She got here Thursday and is here til Sunday, 11 days. I took the week off to get some organizing done before the new baby and to do fun things with my kids and SD. Easter day was awful. Even though Dh was off, she was just plain rude and mean. Today was awful. Everything was an argument, a scream fest, etc. I finally said just go to your room.

Dh gets home from work and she acts the perfect angel. He didn't buy it. I told him I honestly don't know how I am going to handle her behavior, the boys and a newborn all summer. I will be on maternity leave and he used most of his personal time a month ago because he got really sick. He didn't really say much but his usual"I don't know..." I think he just doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And frankly, I just can't take another week like this one, especially all summer. I hate to have to hire a sitter when she is with us. But seriouslyam cconsidering telling him to.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 1:36 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
SageAdvice
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:49 AM

 Ug damn. Maybe she feels like she's not wanted by you so she acts out. It has to be hard for her, what with you all being a family full time and her just visiting. I wish I knew what to say. I don't. Hugs Momma. Maybe you and her could do some one on one counseling this summer? Learn to work through this so you two can become close?

Big Hugs. I hope it gets better for you soon.

Some times you just have to punt the ball.
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:25 AM
She has been in therapy for 5 years. I have been very active in her life per request of bm, Dh and therapist. I had to disengage because it was too much. Therapist was the second opinion and after 5 years, was out of suggestions. I got tired of being the bad guy.Dh and bm had to learn to coparent without help. SD doesn't want to be here. We have more "rules", structure and consistency. Bm acts like her friend. All her grandparents cater to her and put her on a pedestal.

I don't do that. Never have and never will. I appreciate your feedback. No one really knows what to say or do. I might attend her next therapy session just to let the therapist know what has been going on. I just get frustrated because I know she can control her actions and behave. Every time I do things with her, she does behave until we get home or the next day. Then she treats me like shit. So why would I want to do anything fun with her or nice for her? Dh shares custody and in the summer, he gets her every 2 weeks to bm's 1. My main concern is that she has to be the center of attention. I will be doing something and she creates some sort of drama so I have to stop what I am doing to deal with her. It just has taken a toll.


Quoting SageAdvice:

 Ug damn. Maybe she feels like she's not wanted by you so she acts out. It has to be hard for her, what with you all being a family full time and her just visiting. I wish I knew what to say. I don't. Hugs Momma. Maybe you and her could do some one on one counseling this summer? Learn to work through this so you two can become close?


Big Hugs. I hope it gets better for you soon.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
singlemom416
by Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:27 AM

Maybe she is resentful of the new baby. My niece is the same age and in the same situation,she has started  acting out because her sm is having a baby. My niece is worried daddy wont have time for her,her room at his house being used for the baby. See if you can get her to help get things ready for the baby,maybe if she feels she is helping she will feel better. Explain to her how much it mean to be a big sister and how she can help with the baby and what big sisters are suppose to teach their lil siblings.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:29 AM
It seems her anger is directed solely at you so maybe the two of you should try some family counseling together. Until then have you ever asked her why she acts out towards you. Let her know you live her and you want everyone to have a fun week, but it's hard for you to make it happen when she's acting out towards you. Ask her if there's anything you can do to make things easier while she's there. I don't know if talking with her will help, but if its not something you have done before maybe give it a shot.
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:49 AM
I have. She says,"I don't know, I don't want to be here. I shouldn't have to do any chores." Therapist has asked and she says the same. She told me to take her to her moms. Her knew thing is saying she is going to throw up. If she doesn't like what is going on, she is gonna throw up. If she has to eat, put away dishes, if in trouble and sent to her room etc.


Quoting Anonymous:

It seems her anger is directed solely at you so maybe the two of you should try some family counseling together. Until then have you ever asked her why she acts out towards you. Let her know you live her and you want everyone to have a fun week, but it's hard for you to make it happen when she's acting out towards you. Ask her if there's anything you can do to make things easier while she's there. I don't know if talking with her will help, but if its not something you have done before maybe give it a shot.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:52 AM
This is my third baby. She is excited as it is a girl this time. But she can't be alone with any of the kids because she hurts them. She knows it will be the same when the baby comes. We are supposed to be getting things ready this week but when asked to do something she ignores me or does the complete opposite. I end up doing it myself because I don't want to fight with her.


Quoting singlemom416:

Maybe she is resentful of the new baby. My niece is the same age and in the same situation,she has started  acting out because her sm is having a baby. My niece is worried daddy wont have time for her,her room at his house being used for the baby. See if you can get her to help get things ready for the baby,maybe if she feels she is helping she will feel better. Explain to her how much it mean to be a big sister and how she can help with the baby and what big sisters are suppose to teach their lil siblings.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 8:57 AM
Do you have a reward system in place for her chores? This might help.
Does she not do chores when your DH is there? If so does she act thus way? Maybe don't make her do any until he gets home and make him be the one to tell her or if she has to do it during the day have DH call and tell her to do it.


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I have. She says,"I don't know, I don't want to be here. I shouldn't have to do any chores." Therapist has asked and she says the same. She told me to take her to her moms. Her knew thing is saying she is going to throw up. If she doesn't like what is going on, she is gonna throw up. If she has to eat, put away dishes, if in trouble and sent to her room etc.




Quoting Anonymous:

It seems her anger is directed solely at you so maybe the two of you should try some family counseling together. Until then have you ever asked her why she acts out towards you. Let her know you live her and you want everyone to have a fun week, but it's hard for you to make it happen when she's acting out towards you. Ask her if there's anything you can do to make things easier while she's there. I don't know if talking with her will help, but if its not something you have done before maybe give it a shot.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:07 AM

Have you all tried sitting her down and explaining the way things run in your house. Saying you are expected to do XYZ and if you can't then you will stay in your room until your attitude changes. Does DH do most of the discipline or it is left to you? Maybe when she does something simply tell her to go to her room and write down what transpired and let DH handle it when he gets home. Maybe even have her write down what happened also...if you think she will.

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:36 AM
Yes we have. Several times in the last five years. I only discipline when he is at work. I send her to her room but it turns into a scream fest.


Quoting SassyMom25:

Have you all tried sitting her down and explaining the way things run in your house. Saying you are expected to do XYZ and if you can't then you will stay in your room until your attitude changes. Does DH do most of the discipline or it is left to you? Maybe when she does something simply tell her to go to her room and write down what transpired and let DH handle it when he gets home. Maybe even have her write down what happened also...if you think she will.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Birdseed
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 9:43 AM
1 mom liked this

What does your Dad do that gives her the impression that he won't accept that behavior?  What does DH do?  I would look at what they're doing because that seems to be working.

I would also consider recording her behavior so that when DH gets home, he can watch the video WITH her and talk about the behavior and consequences.

I'm not a child psychologist, but it sounds to me like a lot of her behavior is attention seeking and she really doesn't care if it's good attention or bad attention.   When you're correcting her or disciplining her, you're giving her attention. So I'd maybe try a completely different method of working with her.  I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd review the rules/expectations of the day with her in the morning over breakfast BEFORE there's a blowup.  Something along the lines of "Today, we're going to spend an hour working on our chores, then we're going to go to the park.  When baby is taking a nap, I need you to think of something you can do quietly.  A book, a game, etc while I work on laundry."  Then if she starts getting loud or refusing to help out or whatever, I'd just say, "I'm sorry that you are choosing to be unhelpful.  Head on up to your room. When you're ready to help out, come back down.  We'll save your chores for you."  And I'd send her to her room.  No drama.  Just "Up you go."  Then leave whatever it was you had her doing as is.  If it doesn't get done all day, fine.  She can come down and do it when Dad gets home.  But I wouldn't let her have anything but books in her room. No radio, no computer, no games. 

If she wants attention, then she needs to learn that behaving well and doing as she's asked is a way to get attention.  When she DOES behave well or do as asked, go over the top praising THAT.  "Thank you so much for being so quiet while baby napped.  I really appreciated that!"  "Thank you for helping set the table, that's a big help!"  "You were so good today, thank you!"

It might take a little more effort on your part, but clearly, what you're doing right now isn't getting you the results you want.  Good luck.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured