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need advice!!(kind of long)

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:23 PM
  • 18 Replies
Hello ladies! I don't post here often, I'm more of a lurker, but I need advice... Lots of it!

A little back story...

My step son, Logan has not seen his mother since he was 10 months old, and he is now 9. He knows about her, but knows she won't be coming around ever again. He got taken away from her by cps when his dad was in Iraq, so mil stepped in to care for him. She helped raise him, and dh allowed Logan to call her mommy... I came into the picture when he was 6.5...

FFW to now... MIL told me she was done being mom... She just wants to be grandma... So i took it to heart, and stepped in. I don't think she actually meant it. She is ALWAYS treating my decisions as options, and constantly contradicting me in front of Logan. We can say something to her all we want, but she just does what she wants, because she is his 'mom'... I keep telling myself to just step back and let them do what they do, but they are ruining him! He is turning into a spoiled brat, he wants to eat nothing but crap, because they let him eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants... they don't make him do chores, or work for the (rather expensive) toys he gets. If we tell him he can't get a toy he wants at the moment, but we can get it later, he throws a fit, because he can't have it when he wants it... Not to mention, he is LAZY! He never wants to learn to do things for himself... He doesn't even know how to butter his own toast! I try to get him to learn, but he just doesn't care... I feel like I'm always getting upset with him, and I hate it! I love him very much, he is a great big brother to our little girl, and he can be very sweet... I just want him to grow up and be a good person, but idk how to get past all of this... Dh feels like he owes his parents something for helping raise him, so he feels like he can't tell them what they can & can't do with his son... Should I just back off?? If not, how can I fix this?!
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by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 2:49 PM

Hi.  When does your MIL see your SS?  Does she live with you?  I can't tell from your post.

Also, my gut reaction on some of the things that you say about your SS sound normal.  My 9yo son did not butter his toast if I was there to do it for him while my 9yo daughter did everything for herself, different personalities.  My 9yo daughter sometimes throws a fit when she can't have something, and I send her to her room.  My kids want to eat crap all day too but too bad, not going to happen.  I have 2 skids and 2 bio kids, ages 9-13.

bmack2107
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:04 PM
They see him every Tuesday & Thursday (he has karate practically across the street from them) plus just about every weekend... I am constantly saying he needs to not go over there so much, because he always comes back with a horrible attitude. They allow him to talk back to them, push them out of a seat if he wants the spot they are in... If he wants mcdonalds for breakfast lunch & dinner, he gets it... So when he comes home & says he wants mcd's and twix(and he expects it to be king size) for dinner, and i say no, I'm making dinner right now, he throws a fit, & I tell him it's either what I'm making, or I will make him a salad/sandwich... That or nothing... Last night we had a pizza night... He didn't eat it because it was CUT differently, and wouldn't choose something else that want junk... So he went to bed, having nothing but a glass of water...

Quoting OvrMyHead:

Hi.  When does your MIL see your SS?  Does she live with you?  I can't tell from your post.


Also, my gut reaction on some of the things that you say about your SS sound normal.  My 9yo son did not butter his toast if I was there to do it for him while my 9yo daughter did everything for herself, different personalities.  My 9yo daughter sometimes throws a fit when she can't have something, and I send her to her room.  My kids want to eat crap all day too but too bad, not going to happen.  I have 2 skids and 2 bio kids, ages 9-13.

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MilkLover0203
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:10 PM
Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?
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bmack2107
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:17 PM
She isn't exactly the easiest person to approach... She is very self absorbed, thinks her way is the way everyone should follow, and doesn't like being told what she is doing is wrong... Even if you do it in the nicest way possible. I have been trying to lay little hints out, and I told dh that I want him to tell her to stop contradicting me in front of SS.

Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?
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MilkLover0203
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:21 PM
You're just gonna have to play hard ball then. SS is pushing your buttons because he sees her ignore your wishes right in front of him. That's not only disrespectful to you and your DH but also very damaging to a child. Ugh, put your foot down! I'm all angry now! I'm sorry you're going through this!


Quoting bmack2107:

She isn't exactly the easiest person to approach... She is very self absorbed, thinks her way is the way everyone should follow, and doesn't like being told what she is doing is wrong... Even if you do it in the nicest way possible. I have been trying to lay little hints out, and I told dh that I want him to tell her to stop contradicting me in front of SS.



Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?

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bmack2107
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Sorry for making you angry! I am going to talk to dh about it tonight, and figure out how to go about this. Ughhh I feel like I'm going to be dealing with this as long as mil is alive...(no, I'm not going to go crazy homicidal lol!)

Quoting MilkLover0203:You're just gonna have to play hard ball then. SS is pushing your buttons because he sees her ignore your wishes right in front of him. That's not only disrespectful to you and your DH but also very damaging to a child. Ugh, put your foot down! I'm all angry now! I'm sorry you're going through this!


Quoting bmack2107: She isn't exactly the easiest person to approach... She is very self absorbed, thinks her way is the way everyone should follow, and doesn't like being told what she is doing is wrong... Even if you do it in the nicest way possible. I have been trying to lay little hints out, and I told dh that I want him to tell her to stop contradicting me in front of SS.


Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?

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MilkLover0203
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:40 PM
Oh it only makes me angry because there are so many vengeful, bitchy MIL's out there. They never seem to stop and think about how it'll affect the child or their own child in the long run. You picked up where another mother failed and for that, she should respect you. It is NOT easy raising someone else's child. I know that first hand.


Quoting bmack2107:

Sorry for making you angry! I am going to talk to dh about it tonight, and figure out how to go about this. Ughhh I feel like I'm going to be dealing with this as long as mil is alive...(no, I'm not going to go crazy homicidal lol!)



Quoting MilkLover0203:You're just gonna have to play hard ball then. SS is pushing your buttons because he sees her ignore your wishes right in front of him. That's not only disrespectful to you and your DH but also very damaging to a child. Ugh, put your foot down! I'm all angry now! I'm sorry you're going through this!





Quoting bmack2107: She isn't exactly the easiest person to approach... She is very self absorbed, thinks her way is the way everyone should follow, and doesn't like being told what she is doing is wrong... Even if you do it in the nicest way possible. I have been trying to lay little hints out, and I told dh that I want him to tell her to stop contradicting me in front of SS.





Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?


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Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:44 PM
DH needs to step in and tell his mother to back off.
I realize she played "Mommy" for a period of time-however she's not mommmy just like you're not mommy.

I feel your pain-my mil is the same way!!
bmack2107
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:47 PM
No, it isn't easy at all = i have said before that i didn't have to step in as a mother figure to him, so i think i deserve more respect from everyone... ESPECIALLY mil and SS

Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh it only makes me angry because there are so many vengeful, bitchy MIL's out there. They never seem to stop and think about how it'll affect the child or their own child in the long run. You picked up where another mother failed and for that, she should respect you. It is NOT easy raising someone else's child. I know that first hand.




Quoting bmack2107:

Sorry for making you angry! I am going to talk to dh about it tonight, and figure out how to go about this. Ughhh I feel like I'm going to be dealing with this as long as mil is alive...(no, I'm not going to go crazy homicidal lol!)





Quoting MilkLover0203:You're just gonna have to play hard ball then. SS is pushing your buttons because he sees her ignore your wishes right in front of him. That's not only disrespectful to you and your DH but also very damaging to a child. Ugh, put your foot down! I'm all angry now! I'm sorry you're going through this!








Quoting bmack2107: She isn't exactly the easiest person to approach... She is very self absorbed, thinks her way is the way everyone should follow, and doesn't like being told what she is doing is wrong... Even if you do it in the nicest way possible. I have been trying to lay little hints out, and I told dh that I want him to tell her to stop contradicting me in front of SS.








Quoting MilkLover0203:

Oh girl, I feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. MIL willingly backed down so you could step in and be mommy but she isn't backing down. Maybe she's having a hard time cutting off mommy mode. Even then though, allowing a child to eat-do-say whatever they want, isn't really the type of choice a mommy would make. Not a responsible one anyway. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? Letting her know, with no other distractions or children around, that you're just trying to make sure he grows up to be a responsible and loving young man? That you'd like it if she respected your choices and assisted you in his upbringing without calling all the shots?


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bmack2107
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 3:50 PM
I WISH (for ss's sake & mine) that his mommy was around... I would much rather deal with a BM than a grandma who is playing the part...

Quoting Tigress22304:

DH needs to step in and tell his mother to back off.

I realize she played "Mommy" for a period of time-however she's not mommmy just like you're not mommy.



I feel your pain-my mil is the same way!!
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