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Desperately in need of advice!

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:23 PM
  • 7 Replies

Last year my fiance and I moved in together.  I have an 8 year old son and he has a 19 year old daughter.  His daughter is not his biological daughter.  He was involved with a woman 7 years ago who was addicted to prescription medication (when he figured it out, he ended the relationship) and basically this woman left her daughter in his care (I still can't wrap my head around that!!).  He stepped up because he truly cared for the little girl and knew that if he didn't, she would not have any kind of future.  She is now in her first year of college on a full scholarship.  She is a very bright and intelligent young woman.  While raising her, my fiance gave her everything she could possibly want or need.  She was very spoiled.  His reasoning for this is that he wanted to make up for the crappy childhood she had.  In a way, I understand that however he had done nothing to prepare her for "real life". 

Here lies my issue.  She lives on campus and will be home in less than a month.  While she  has been gone, the only time she calls is when she wants to complain or she needs something.  And it's usually something expensive.  I use the term "need something" loosely because her idea of need and mine are very different.  She received a full scholarship (dorm and meal plan included).  She was told that she would have to get a job for whatever else she needed.  When she comes home (occasionally on weekends and holidays), she asks us to buy all of her toiletries, which we do.  In the last 5 months, she has broken her laptop and iPhone (which we purchased).  She fully expects us to buy her a new laptop and not just a laptop.....she has to have a MacBook.  The same applies to everything - she can't just wear jeans, they have to be Hollister.  She can't just have a phone, has to be an iPhone.  Everything has to be top of line, name brand and she doesn't expect to have to pay for it.  Last weekend, she called from her roommates phone because she had hers stolen at a party.  We told her that we did not have anymore upgrades on our plan so she would have to buy another one herself or get one of the free ones that they offer.  We have 3 lines on our account.  One of them is never used and was up for renewal in 7 days.  We were planning on canceling that line.  She took it upon herself to go to the store and use that line to upgrade and get a new phone.  She never called to ask if it was OK.  She just did it.  Now we can't cancel the line for another 18 months without penalty. My fiance found out that if she returned the phone in 14 days, the changes could be reversed.  He did not make her do it. 

Another issue that I have with this whole situation is that last fall she went to a football game and was drinking.  She got pretty drunk which she admitted and fell off of the bus and broke her foot.  There was a $300 bill from the hospital which she wants us to pay.  My fiance has a flex plan through work that will cover the charges but I kind of feel like she should pay it herself. He said that there is plenty of money in flex to pay for it and if it isn't used he looses it anyway. There is so much more but I would seriously be typing for hours.  These are just two of the more outrageous things that have happened.  Well maybe her destroying my car and acting like it was no big deal and then getting pissed when she couldn't drive it anymore....That was a big issure....for me anyway.

I fully understand that he is letting this happen.  He is not making her a responsible person by letting her gt away with everything.  When I say something to him about it, he gets defensive and we end up arguing.  He ususally tells me that I don't like her and I am always down on her.

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I found out that she has a twitter account and I have seen posts on there that are contrary to some of the things that she has told us.  She lost her phone (which is what we both thought).  I have also seen some negative things she has posted about my son.  The sad thing is that my son likes her and just wants her attention once in a while.  She is super jealous anytime we buy anything for my son and feels she should get something too.

I feel like she is so unappreciative of all that my fiance does for her.  No matter what we give her, it is never enough.  How can someone who would have had nothing be so self centered and selfish?  She literally will cry and throw a fit (even at 19 years old) if she does not get her way.  I almost feel like she is only here to see how much she can get. 

When she is home, my fiance is irritable and continually says how he hates when she is here.  I am irritable because I feel like she is usung him.  It is hard for me to sit and watch someone I love be used. 

What do I do and how am I going to survive this summer????? Am I wrong to feel this way??? HELP ME!!!!!!

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:23 PM
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by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:30 PM

I can relate to this somewhat. My husband raised his ex's daughter until she was 14..the last 2 yrs entirely by himself. She is now 17 and lives with her grandparents since my husband and I relocated to another state. The girl only gets ahold of my DH whenever she needs something and I'm afraid she is going to expect him to help her out with college. I'm ok with him helping her out when she needs things but you have to put your foot down sometimes!

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:33 PM

What does your DF want to do about this? Anything? Nothing?  Is HE looking to change things up or is it just you? If it's just you, then this is an issue with DF between the two of you.  If HE wants to change things up then I'd have suggestions about that but really, unless he's on board you're screwed.

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:42 PM

My college roommate had a stepdad who had custody of her (both bio parents were fine with having him raise her alone, strange situation) and this stepdad seemed to give her everything.  I couldn't believe it (at the time) it just seemed so excessive.  I assumed that he was really well off...

Anyway, my first instinct is to tell you to run, run fast, and get away while you can.  Sorry, that is my first instinct.  This girl is in college, you are not going to change her behavior and you are constantly going to be arguing with your fiance about her.  Otherwise try to disengage from her, let your fiance take care of her issues with his money (that is if you aren't sharing money) and not to share all of the issues with you. 

It would make sense for you and your fiance to sit down and get on the same page with regard to your SD.  Lay out how much support (monetary) you are going to allow, let SD know what to expect, put money aside for her "emergencies", etc. 

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:42 PM

He says he does but when it comes down to it, he backs down and gives her what she wants.  He says it's because he sick of listening to her.  I know you're right and I do feel like I am screwed.  Unfortunately this is really affecting our relationship and I don't know what to do about that.  I am lost :(

by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:53 PM
When it comes to your things or things that you pay for, you have a say. Make your rules.
If your SO won't set rules or tell her to pay for her own things AND he jumps on you for being too hard on her...get counseling. He wonk't change quickly after doing it this way for 7 years.

Also, she is 19. I have known many 19yo who think their poop doesn't stink & skate around on parents' dime. Their parents created the monster, but some of it can be the excitement & "self-importance" of being 19. She's not hopeless, but she's also not grown up yet.

Talk to your SO or write down rules/boundaries that you would like to see with her. Maybe you two can agree on a few to implement that will be "easier" for dad's heart to accept.

The girl is probably hurting & maybe a little embarassed about her mom ditching her. She may feel "entitled" to extra & give a false strong exterior all just to make up for the feeling of being less than to her own mother. Maybe try to put aside the used feelings & when she comes home only take her to lunch/dinner, buy her absolute essentials only (if you want) & treat her like a visiting adult rather than dependent. Tell her you cannot afford those things. If she's a hinter..."I saw these really cute jeans but I spent my money on food, I really wish I could have them..." don't fall for it. Respond with "oh really? I found a great top that I'm hoping goes on sale next week." Or "I'm glad you had enough for food this week." Etc, don't leave the floor open for offering to buy. I tell my DS17 "oh really? I find things I like too but how are you getting to work if you spend your gas money on that?"

It's always easier said than done, I know.
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by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Put her on an allowance. When it is gone, it is gone!!
by on Apr. 2, 2013 at 5:05 PM

I think I will try to talk to him about setting rules and hope that he can stick to them.  The funny thing is....she would (ans has) spend her money on what she wants and them come tell us that she doesn't have money for food knowing that we won't let her starve. 

I have also seen the 19 year old entitled kids and trust m this is one of them.

Thank you for the advise :) 

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