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Someone Help PLEASE! Wedding is next month....

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:24 PM
  • 34 Replies

I need advice desperately.  My fiance has three "adult" girls - one just got engaged and one graduating college next month and one going into junior year of college.  My fiance met me very shortly after divorce from a 24 year marriage.  The marriage included foreclosing on the family house and lying/hiding it until the sherrif came much to his surprise, stealing 10k from her mother on credit cards which he paid back and finally stealing almost 200k from her employer and pleading guilty (but cried and got off with probation and restitution).  The children didn't want to even meet me so the first 6 months were rocky and I also put an end to the mother's continued manipulation of my fiance by throwing herself in the mix at the "dinners with dad", paying for vet bills and everything else and conversations about what it was like sleeping with me after 24 years of marriage (?!?!?!? really!).  Anyway, 8 months in we got engaged.  We had a "goodbye" dinner at a restaurant for one of the girls going abroad for a few months and this was the first time I was meeting two of the girls (that refused to me over the holidays).  They did not congratulate or ask to see the ring, but rather sat down and announced to their father as if I wasn't there that they had decided to be groomsmen in the wedding.  Since then we've done counselling, he's tried to talk to them about the situation with their mother and that he does not have to have a relationship with her - they are adults and can communicate directly with him -- they absolutely insist that he must communicate with the "mother of his children". Two of them have stated that they can't come to the wedding if they are not "in" it.  They are very rude when over and play passive agressive games with their father.  they have learned from the mom how to redirect everything to be my fiance's fault (he doesn't reach out enough although he calls them - they don't call him unless they need something or money).  They traded in a car he was paying insurance on for them and didn't even tell him!! RUDE.  He still pays their medical, eye, dental, cel phones, a pre determined amount towards college and 10k to each for their "wedding" funds which are have just started paying for the one that got engaged and the other that wants it for grad school instead of her wedding .... again - they are grown kids (20-24 years old).

We have kept the wedding small <70 and my 14 year old daughter that lives with us is the only bridesmaid.  To this they have gone to all family members crying about not being "in" the wedding (but never directly to us).  We have paid for one night hotel room for each the night of the wedding and had we had them in the wedding "daddy" would have had to pay for the dress, shoes, another night hotel and anything else they needed as they have no money and they all owe him money as it is...  We decided to ask each one to do a reading at the ceremony to "include" them in some way.  One of them (the only one that has actually tried and made an effort) asked if she should take the day before the wedding off (i.e., for rehearsal).  We carefully crafted an e-mail stating the ceremony was very casual and we didn't have a planned rehearsal per se.  We are going down Friday to check out the arrangements and have dinner with parents and officiate.  That when they arrive the day of the wedding to the Hotel (the wedding is out on the patio at hotel), they should buzz our room and he'd do a quick run down (the readings are very short - one is 4 lines... and there are no microphones, podeums, etc.  It is VERY casual).  Anyway, she responded to the e-mail inviting them to the rehearsal dinner and Friday (offering to pay for their own dinenrs and stay over).  And further throwing the other two in as they would appreciate it and it would make them feel "included".... keep in mind the one hasn't responded to three written requests on if she would be willing to even do the reading!!!  I am at the point where I am wondering with the HELL I am getting into!  Please anyone - advice???

 

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:30 PM
1 mom liked this
Eh, your husband has acted poorly and now he's dealing with consequences of his actions. This is a him problem not a them problem.
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mlr1229
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:38 PM

BUMP!

newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:38 PM
How? BM got the house foreclosed on, stole from her own mother which DH ended up paying back, embezzled from her employer to the tune of 200k. So DH seems to have had enough and left. Wants a relationship with his daughters, adults, without including a pathological lying thief of an ex...seems o be an ok boundary especially when the kids are adults who are perfectly capable of communicating on their own...did I miss a major infraction on his part?


Quoting JacyB:

Eh, your husband has acted poorly and now he's dealing with consequences of his actions. This is a him problem not a them problem.

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newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:44 PM
3 moms liked this
These kids Are simply not ready to deal with the divorce and daddy moving on. Stay out of it and focus on your daughter and supporting your fiancé. It is his responsibility to del with his daughters and help them adjust to the new family dynamics. He needs to have loving but firm boundaries that mom and dad are done. The needs to gently and lovingly keep reinforcing this. They will eventually adjust. Just stay under the radar. You have no need to play much of a role in their lives. They are grown, don't need parenting in any fashion from you, they have been parented to adulthood by mom and dad, for better or for worse, now is the time for them to start to own their own lives and sink or swim, you just sit back and let BM and dad handle their stumbles out of the nest. Focus on the one in your home who stil needs the parenting.
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mlr1229
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:45 PM

Nope ... you haven't missed a thing.  I just don't know what to do about the wedding as I really don't like to be the center of attention and I really, really, really don't want my daughter and I to get the stare downs, silence and rude behaviors.  They do it to him too.... And now I'm to the point where I am questioning if this is how it is always going to be.  The graduating daughter wants him to go to dinner after the graduation next month (two weeks before the wedding) as a "family" and was crying on the phone about it last night.  My read is Mom can't pay for it, so invite your dad....  Said she didn't answer the three written requests to do the reading because she was "thinking" about it the way he didn't respond about the graduation dinner because he was thinking about it.... UHG!

 

newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this
This isn't your fight. To these kids you have to understand, they had a family ALL of their lives, for 28 years, that is their frame of reference. You will be at best dad's wife an that is OK! It really is! Your worth is NOT tied up in these girls opinions of you! Are you marrying your fiancé because of what the girls think of you? NO. You are marrying him because of how you relate to him. That is what you focus on. If they act like asses on your wedding day...guess who looks the ass? They do. My cousin got stupid and I mean stupid fucking ass falling down throwing up drunk at my brother's wedding. He didn't care...no one talked about how it reflected on him or blamed him in any way...we still talk about how beautiful the wedding was...my cousin's behavior...only reflected on her...the guests who saw it talk about how stupid she acted and how out of control she was of herself...she's an adult...no one put te responsibility of her behavior on anyone else...don't borrow trouble...these girls want to pout at dad's wedding, let them...that will be the memory THEY have, you HAVE A CHOiCE to make the memories of your wedding what you want them...at my wedding one guest got drunk and threatened to fight several people, we still laugh about it...he even wanted to fight my dad and they've been friends for 40 years...my dad is much bigger than the guy...my dad was sober and had to laugh and tell him I wasn't a fair Igbo because he was much bigger and sober and would level him with one hit, the guy CRIED at my wedding that no one would fight him...I still laugh my ass off about it every time...it's a guy I've known since I was born and just a funny story unique to my wedding. What I'm trying to say is...control what you REALLY can, make the memories you can and just let the rest, well, happen, it doesn't reflect on you...let Your SO deal with his daughters, he moved on very fast, he will have to some extent handle the fall out of that, he will have to continually set boundaries when they try to push the "family" back together. But that is HIS job...


Quoting mlr1229:

Nope ... you haven't missed a thing.  I just don't know what to do about the wedding as I really don't like to be the center of attention and I really, really, really don't want my daughter and I to get the stare downs, silence and rude behaviors.  They do it to him too.... And now I'm to the point where I am questioning if this is how it is always going to be.  The graduating daughter wants him to go to dinner after the graduation next month (two weeks before the wedding) as a "family" and was crying on the phone about it last night.  My read is Mom can't pay for it, so invite your dad....  Said she didn't answer the three written requests to do the reading because she was "thinking" about it the way he didn't respond about the graduation dinner because he was thinking about it.... UHG!


 


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mlr1229
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:06 PM

Would appreciate advise on how to handle the wedding - we really don't have ANY extra money to pay for 6 more dinners for the rehearsal and 3 more rooms for that night nor do either of us really want them there or think it will be in any way supportive or make us feel good at all - it is always drama, drama, drama and rude.  We've tried to gently let them know they are not a part of that day/night, but they are backing us into a corner. 

mlr1229
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:08 PM

Thanks!  That is awesome and what I need to hear!!  Thanks for the help!

 

Pero2
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Here is my take ... no matter what the age, it seems a bit odd that your daughter is getting a proper role in the wedding and his daughters don't.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:24 PM

I agree.  This all seems mixed up with BMs poor choices and actions.  How long has it been since the divorce?  If you can't afford a wedding that includes all the daughters, you really should not have a wedding that includes one.  You seems to be excluding them purposefully and hiding behind carefully crafted emails and insistence on simplicity.

You are choosing to marry a man with children.  Excluding them from the get go sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Let me ask you this, what if he wanted his daughters in the wedding party but felt your daughter should be excluded?

Yes, BM sounds like a disaster.  That should not be relevant to the future you are building together.  His daughters are very relevant to your future.  DO you really want to marry a man that rejects his own children?


Quoting Pero2:

Here is my take ... no matter what the age, it seems a bit odd that your daughter is getting a proper role in the wedding and his daughters don't.



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