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Why Does My Husband's Ex-Wife Hate Me?

Posted by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:13 PM
  • 44 Replies
3 moms liked this

Saw this article and thought I'd share it.  I know that in my case with regards to BM, I'm more of a threat than one that overstepped boundaries.  A threat to what exactly? Only she can answer that question.

As far as being a BM, I've never really had any issues with now exsm. 

But I did find this quite interesting. 

Why Does My Husband's Ex-Wife Hate Me?

Posted: 10/19/2012 3:40 am

Janine from Santa Ana, California asks: "Why does my husband's ex-wife hate me? I've never done anything to her."

Well, Janine, you're in good company. Many other stepmoms are also perplexed by this. Here is a list of the most common reasons your husband's ex might not think too fondly of you.

1. She doesn't hate you, she hates what you represent: The failure of her marriage, the breakup of her family, the woman her ex-husband became a better man for, the fear that she might have ruined her child's life by not being able to make the marriage work.

2. She's afraid her kids will love you more than they love her. An irrational fear, as the chances of that happening are basically nil, but a common fear nonetheless.

3. She perceives you as overstepping boundaries. This could include showing up at a parent-teacher conference, forcing the kids to call you mom (yes, that does actually happen), calling the kids "mine," posting pictures of the kids on your Facebook page, trying to co-parent with her by responding to messages sent to your husband, etc.

4. She resents your participation in events she believes are reserved for "mom" and those that may not be reserved for mom but that are "firsts." These might include taking your stepdaughter to buy her first bra or getting her first haircut, participating in any sort of cosmetic experience, talking to her about the birds and the bees, painting her nails or coloring or cutting her hair the way you like it or similar to yours (even if your step is a teen and she requests this, it could still push mom's buttons). You can be sure that mom wants to be there for any sort of milestone.

5. She has unresolved grief about her divorce. For a long time, she could just ignore the painful feelings that accompany divorce. She didn't really have to face it. She may even be remarried but never actually grieved the loss of her marriage and family. Enter stepmom, and suddenly it's real and it's in her face.

6. You act as a mirror for her. When she looks at your strengths, all she sees are her weaknesses. If she never thought she was a good business woman and you own your own business, that insecurity is magnified. Same could be said for your intelligence, physical appearance, age, housekeeping skills, creativity, fashion sense, how much her kids enjoy being around you and your happy marriage.

7. She perceives you as doing all the parenting while dad is "let off the hook." Stepmoms often help their husbands out with household duties and life in general. That's what a marriage is all about: partnership. You shuttle the kids back and forth to school or help with homework, you schedule appointments, etc. Often this has to do with gender roles, but all mom sees is that at her house, she's doing all the work while at yours, you're taking care of the kids and dad "does nothing but works."

8. Now that you've come along, dad is asking for more parenting time. With your support, your husband may now see that he should exercise his visitation more or that he's now able to provide more stability for his kids. In turn, he requests more parenting time and parental input. You'd think this would be a good thing, but this change in dynamic can be threatening or scary for mom. Not everyone likes change. It's easy for her to pinpoint your presence as being responsible for this.

9. She doesn't know you. When mom sends her kids off to be with their dad, and this woman she doesn't even know will have full access to them, she may feel like she's being a bad parent. She doesn't automatically trust you just because dad does. But at the same time, she doesn't necessarily want to meet you. A no-win situation for all involved.

10. She sees her ex-husband being a different man with you. It can be painful to see the man you think treated you so poorly treating another woman like a princess. She might think he's being a fraud, or she might think, "Why wasn't I worthy of being treated like that?" She might still be grieving the loss of her marriage while he's moved on. It's nearly impossible for her to have good feelings toward you when she's still processing -- or in denial of -- the loss of her family.

11. You actually did something worthy of her negative feelings. Are you consciously or subconsciously trying to make her look like a bad mom? Are you trying to prove to your husband that you're a better wife than she was? Are you trying to make your stepkids love you more than they love her? Do you try to show her up in any way? Do you want the school faculty, PTA or your neighborhood moms to think you're a better caretaker than she is? Take a look at your behavior and your motivations. You're going to have to be honest with yourself to see how you might be contributing to the high-conflict dynamic.

Did I miss one? Share your experiences in the comment section below.

Read more from Jenna at www.stepmomhelp.com

by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:15 PM
2 moms liked this

sorry, I don't hate my exs wife...I just hate him.

HaleyCovington
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:17 PM
I just figure it's the law of nature.
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pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:17 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

sorry, I don't hate my exs wife...I just hate him.

Good for you.  Some people hate the ex's spouse as well. 

pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:18 PM


Quoting HaleyCovington:

I just figure it's the law of nature.

LOL.  I, for one, have no issues with my ex and/or whoever he is with.  Currently, it's a new GF.  So far, his choices have been good with regards to his partners.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 I didn't let that thought rent space in my head. BM hates her life or just life in general, and everyone in it. SS's friends' parents use to ask me if BM took drugs or was just naturally a PITA? I would laugh and tell them that we didn't have coffee together so I was quite sure I couldn't explain her actions.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:26 PM

 I'm still trying to figure out what she sees in him  LOL.  She's way too nice for him.


Quoting pepper504:


Quoting Anonymous:

sorry, I don't hate my exs wife...I just hate him.

Good for you.  Some people hate the ex's spouse as well. 


 

pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:26 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting bottomline:

 I didn't let that thought rent space in my head. BM hates her life or just life in general, and everyone in it. SS's friends' parents use to ask me if BM took drugs or was just naturally a PITA? I would laugh and tell them that we didn't have coffee together so I was quite sure I couldn't explain her actions.

I'm way past caring what BM feels towards me.  In fact, I never really did care.  I just thought it was an interesting article to share as it has both with regards to SM overstepping and BM hating SM, just because. 

pepper504
by Gold Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:29 PM

I used to think that about now ExSM, but when their divorce got dirty (she involved my DD16 in her bullshit), I realized that maybe he was too good for her.  Which that thought in itself shocked the shit out of me lol.

Quoting Anonymous:

 I'm still trying to figure out what she sees in him  LOL.  She's way too nice for him.


Quoting pepper504:


Quoting Anonymous:

sorry, I don't hate my exs wife...I just hate him.

Good for you.  Some people hate the ex's spouse as well. 




ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:36 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like all pretty common reasons. I'm not sure why my SS's BM hated me, but I do know she hates or claims to hate DH so maybe she sees me as an extension of him. I don't know right now she pretty much hates everyone. I've never really cared what she thought just wish she wouldn't cuss my DH out over anything and everything especially in front of the kids.
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tlbbtb
by on Apr. 4, 2013 at 12:39 PM

 I LOVE MY EX-HUSBAND'S NEW WIFE!!!  She's wonderful to my kids and she was even the one that helped end my marriage!  LOL (although it actually ended 7 years earlier in my opinion).

As far as my new DH, well, his ex-wife can't stand me!  I can't figure it out.  My new DH and I were first married to each other back in 1989 for 4 years and it ended due to his cheating on me (with someone I didn't know at all).  I left him immediately and 2 years later (after begging me to come back to him) he married his next wife (same one he cheated on me with) and they had a child together.  Well, their marriage ended 9 years later (with her cheating on him).  And 7 years later (after their divorce), my current DH and I ran into each other after not seeing or talking to each other since our divorce.  We fell madly in love with each other and remarried again.  I was never a factor in their marriage - NEVER. 

For some strange reason - she hates me!!  HA HA  I should be the one hating her.  What an idiot!  OH well, I have the love of my life back and now she has to see me and remember the horrible wrong doing she did to me way back when.  Maybe that's why she hates me so much, I'm a major skeleton in her closet whom she is probably afraid that one day I will open up and tell her son what a scumbag his mother is....(I wouldn't really do that, but it's fun thinking about it).....Anyway, I go to bed each night in the arms of the man I love (AGAIN).....and she's turning into an old maid right before my eyes!  LOL 

 

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