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SD16 - I want to like her, really I do, but had to disengage. Just venting.

Posted by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 1:21 PM
  • 19 Replies

I've tried for 2 years now to get to know this girl.  I know all I want to know about her.  She's spoiled and selfish and obnoxious.  Her father even says she's this way, but he's the Disney Dad.  So, what I've done is disengaged.  

I may have gone to far in the disengagement.   She no longer exists for me.   I know refer to her as "Your Daughter"  or "His Daughter".  The past 3 weekends she's been here, I've not said one word to her.  At all. This is how she has acted toward me for almost 2 years.  She *may* say hello if I say hello, but only in front of other people.  

I really hate this.  It feels so stupid and unnecessary.   I'd much rather have a normal relationship. But he won't help me in this at all, he refuses to speak to her about anything that she does that is rude or wrong.  I've asked him for us to have a sit down "family" talk.  He's agreeable to that, but says he won't say a word, he'll just sit there.  He won't agree or disagree with anything I say in this "meeting".  Really??  Why bother at all.

I swear had I known how much crap step-moms go through, I would never have dated this man.  

by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 1:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:41 PM
1 mom liked this

There is a difference between disengaging and resorting to her level.  Yeah, it sounds like you have gone too far.  You are now acting like her.  Ad you don't like her so how is acting like her a good thing?

what is a normal relationship with a teen girl?  Do you have other kids?

ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:43 PM
I'm sorry you have a crappy DH that won't at least try to help you find a 'happy medium'. I think what your doing is the best you can giving what you were dealt with. It sucks, but for your sanity you're doing the right thing!
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 2:43 PM
Id disengage too but id probably take the high road and at least say hello.
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JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 3:06 PM
4 moms liked this
Disengaging typically consists of maintaining civility while dropping the rope in regards to parental responsibilities and allowing that all to fall on your spouse. It goes not typically include acting like a petulant child.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 7:15 PM
Well your screen name says it all. Mistakes happen. Wow.
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LittleMama2012
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 8:59 PM
I would disengage but remain civil. Speak to her and go about your business. You are just letting her win by acting like her.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 9:07 PM
2 moms liked this

I agree with PDX in that there's a difference between disengaging and not even trying to be polite.

Disengaging means letting Dad do the heavy lifting for his daughter, not ACTING like his daughter.  She's a teenager.   In theory, we're all adults with a lot more emotional tools and the ability to maintain composure and be civil.

While I can totally understand your frustration and your desire to disengage, I think that showing people how we want to be treated and being a good role model is wise.  You don't have to like someone to be nice to them.  I'd just keep being nice.  Ignore the bad, praise the good and keep on keepin' on.  

shanlee42
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 9:11 PM
Yeah, you may have taken it too far. You definitely need to be civil and say hello.
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annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 7:43 PM

Do the "family talk" anyway. You don't need the BF say anything. You can talk for yourself. Start with sorry and go from there. If she still will act towards you disrespectfully, than you can "wash" your hands.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 6, 2013 at 8:55 PM
1 mom liked this
I have recently decided to disengage with my. Sd12. It won't really work for me as she is needy and with the arrival of our new son she won't leave me alone. But I have realized that I am not her mom.. I dont have to be her mom. . Or her friend. But for my dh I do have to be civil and I am. As long as we support our dh and they understand our actions then your just fine.
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