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Weird situation confused on what to do

Posted by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:19 PM
  • 10 Replies

So SS's were down last week for their Spring Break. Since late summer last year they have developed a close friendship with a boy down here and heusually spends the night when SS's come down. SS's are 13 and 11 and this boy is 15. He is very polite, quiet, and well mannered. Honestly I wouldn't mind having here everyday because he is a very good kid.

Well he is also a part of a blended family. He has a 14 yr old step-brother. The 14 yr old wasn't spending the night at first because up until Feb. of this year he was in a institution for bi-polar. Back in Feb. we were celebrating OSS bday and we had both boys spend the night. Other than the 14 yr old being clingy to my attention I didn't really notice anything.

This past week we had both boys over again. I had been sick for two days prior but wanted them to still come over because SS's were really looking forward to it. When they got to our house I told them all the food/drinks they could help themselves to that I was going to let them just hang out and I would be in my room. We have an XBOX in the living room and the boys room so I figured they would be occupying both rooms. Plus I wasn't feeling good so I just wanted to chill out. They got to our house at 6 and by 7:30 the 14 yr old had knocked on my door 5 times wanting to know what I was doing, ask a question, etc. He asked to get on our family computer to log onto his Facebook and I told him no since we don't really do the Facebook thing with the kids and I didn't know if it was ok with his mom. The other 3 boys pretty much played in their room and the 14 yo kept hanging out in the living room. I would ask why he wasn't playing with the others and he said they were playing a game he didn't like. So I told my SS's to try playing a game he wanted too. They would but then the 14 yo would end up back in the living room.

Fast forward to the next morning and we were all at the table eating breakfast. I don't know what the kids were talking about but the 14 yo said rape and I gave him the sternest look ever and mouthed the word no to him. He mouthed ok. Then a few minutes later they were talking and the word tea-bagging comes out of his mouth. I said "dude  you have to watch what comes out of your mouth" he said "sorry, am I being good?" The rest of the day he made two comments about me being in my room a lot but I was thinking you are not here to hang out with me. Most teenagers don't want their parents (step) to hang out with them and their friends. He also asked two more times if he could get on Facebook. After the 3rd time I firmly said "I already told you two other times no" He again said "sorry, am I being good?" And he barely interacted with the other 3 boys the whole day.

I feel bad for this boy because he has no friends and he never gets to spend the night with anyone. But honestly I am not comfortable with him here. He has a history of just wandering off at his house even though he hasn't done it at our house yet. I feel like it is a big responsibility for me to have but I feel obligated to allow him to come over since his step-brother comes over.

I haven't talked to his mom yet about what he said. I don't know if I even should. This stinks because I want this kid to have friends but I am honestlyuncomfortable in my own house when he is here.

by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:19 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:24 PM
We have an almost 18 year old boy who does this, except he wants to hang out with 12 year olds. He comes over and pesters me to no end. I finally said he couldn't come over anymore. He has some issues, and I can't deal with it. And he is just too old anyway.
notsowicked11
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:50 PM

to be honest, I probably wouldn't let him spend the night anymore and when he's over, I'd be watching him like a hawk - for the safety of your stepkids since he's mentioned "rape" and "tea-bagger". I don't know if you are familiar with bipolar in kids and teens, but they tend to be hypersexual and sometimes victimize those that are their age and younger (not always, but sometimes). But just the things he tried to talk about would throw up red flags with me, big time! 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 9:10 PM

I would talk to his folks in a nonthreatening way...just mention some of the things he said/did and ask them how they normally handle that or if there's anything you should be aware of.  He sounds like he's trying to gain praise from you, get people to interact with him--but he's using shocking things to do so.

I'm not a psychologist so I have no idea what all is going on in his head.  But I would guess that his folks might have a better idea of what's up and how to handle it.

thatislife
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 9:19 PM

I honestly think kids that age need to be supervised a little closer anyways.  Maybe include the child in an activity that is a couple hours where you will all be around.  I would not be able to keep inviting the one and not the other, it would break my heart to do that.  I would probably just not invite either for sleep overs but let them do some day stuff.  Maybe have the whole family over for dinner and sports afterwards (baseball, bb?) that way the parents are supervising as well while the kids get to all play together.

Mommyof5247
by on Apr. 5, 2013 at 10:57 PM
I would do this too.
I'm sure his parents are already aware of his behavior & it would be a good idea to talk to them. Maybe they can ease your feelings or confirm them & make you feel less guilty if you decide not to have him over anymore.

Kids pick up all kinds of colorful language anywhere they go & if he was in an institution, he may have an extra fun vocabulary or slew of behaviors that he experienced frequently.
He may just be an awkward, lonely kid trying to learn how to interact appropriately with others.


Quoting Birdseed:

I would talk to his folks in a nonthreatening way...just mention some of the things he said/did and ask them how they normally handle that or if there's anything you should be aware of.  He sounds like he's trying to gain praise from you, get people to interact with him--but he's using shocking things to do so.

I'm not a psychologist so I have no idea what all is going on in his head.  But I would guess that his folks might have a better idea of what's up and how to handle it.

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stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:24 AM

It's hard because me and the mom are friends. She was actually really worried about him spending the night the first night. She said she didn't want us to judge him/her because of him being bi-polar. I don't want to offend her at all. I never thought I would have the issue with one of my kids/skids friends.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:27 AM
2 moms liked this



Quoting stepmommy2:

It's hard because me and the mom are friends. She was actually really worried about him spending the night the first night. She said she didn't want us to judge him/her because of him being bi-polar. I don't want to offend her at all. I never thought I would have the issue with one of my kids/skids friends.


Well, it's actually a great stepping off point if Mom already expressed concern.

I think you can soothe her concerns by telling her that it went pretty well but you would like to learn a bit more. It's not a reflection on her parenting.  Her kiddo has challenges.  You can be part of the solution.  If she's your friend, this should be even easier than if she were just the parent of a kid down the street. KWIM?

These can be hard convos to have.  Sometimes, if you just start and awkward convo by saying "Friend, this is kind of an awkward convo for me.  I don't want to offend you at all, I'm genuinely interested in learning more about this situation but I may not have all the right words.  So I apologize in advance if I word something wrongly, but here goes...."

stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:32 AM
That sounds good. She just has so much drama in her life between her ex and her husbands ex and this boy and her youngest daughter is always sick. I just hate to add more worry to her but I think it would be the right way to approach it by asking about learning more about the situation.
Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting stepmommy2:

It's hard because me and the mom are friends. She was actually really worried about him spending the night the first night. She said she didn't want us to judge him/her because of him being bi-polar. I don't want to offend her at all. I never thought I would have the issue with one of my kids/skids friends.


Well, it's actually a great stepping off point if Mom already expressed concern.

I think you can soothe her concerns by telling her that it went pretty well but you would like to learn a bit more. It's not a reflection on her parenting.  Her kiddo has challenges.  You can be part of the solution.  If she's your friend, this should be even easier than if she were just the parent of a kid down the street. KWIM?

These can be hard convos to have.  Sometimes, if you just start and awkward convo by saying "Friend, this is kind of an awkward convo for me.  I don't want to offend you at all, I'm genuinely interested in learning more about this situation but I may not have all the right words.  So I apologize in advance if I word something wrongly, but here goes...."


Leigh84
by Gold Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 5:50 PM
There's a 18yo in my neighborhood the same way. My ss's are 14 and 10 they are too young to be hanging out w/a 18yo. We told the kids he's not to come over anymore too.


Quoting Anonymous:

We have an almost 18 year old boy who does this, except he wants to hang out with 12 year olds. He comes over and pesters me to no end. I finally said he couldn't come over anymore. He has some issues, and I can't deal with it. And he is just too old anyway.

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shanlee42
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:01 PM
Birdseed has given you some great advice!
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