Hills you're willing to "die on" and what it says about you as a BM or SM?
Kind of a spinoff from the cell phone post.
I realize that everyone has their limits, boundaries, and rules....but what do those hills we choose to die on say about us as BMs or SMs? What does it "say" to the other home, the kids, our spouses or the world at large?
For me, the issues I've chosen to pursue are those that affect my resources and time. That said, they're not things I (usually) accomplished unilaterally--I had to get DH's buy in.
-Finances: I really did put my foot down on sending extra money when we truly cannot afford it. I do not feel like I should be juggling how to pay the mortgage or rent vs pay to fix BM's washing machine or vehicle. When DH had a great paying job? No worries. But when he was unemployed and we (I) were still paying CS and trying to keep our heads above water, I felt like BM needed to find a way to make those things happen herself vs putting us in arrears on other things.
-Chores at our house: When I met DH and the kids, they had no chores/responsibilities around the hosue. He did their laundry, cleaned their rooms when they were visiting mom, and we spent EOWE doing major cleaning because the house was always getting trashed when the kids were home. It was frustrating. When we started having the kids do some chores (about 1.5 hours one day on the weekend, plus doing their own laundry during the week) BM was not pleased at first. Then she started doing the same at her house. No one is worse for wear.
-Table manners. I guess I have high expectations at the table. I expect people to put a napkin in their lap, use appropriate silverware, and use manners like not eating til everyone is seated, staying at the table until everyone is finished, and helping clear the table. At first, I was appalled because the kids would literally eat things like steak with their hands, stand on the chairs and sing during dinner, start (and often take all of something before I even got to sit down), take a huge serving and eat just a little then toss (when it could've been lunch for Dad or me the next day), and bail as soon as they were done leaving all of the cleanup to us/me. The kids have learned how to behave at the table and as a result, we both feel a lot more comfortable taking them out somewhere nice without worries that we'll be mortified.
Those were my big three.
Because those "issues" affected MY quality of life in the home, I felt like they were worth fighting for. I know that at first, it seemed to BM like I was being a control freak, but she is now enjoying the changes as are other family members and we all laugh about it now. But at the time, they were kind of big things. Big overstepping SM things.