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Hills you're willing to "die on" and what it says about you as a BM or SM?

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:57 AM
  • 21 Replies

Kind of a spinoff from the cell phone post.

I realize that everyone has their limits, boundaries, and rules....but what do those hills we choose to die on say about us as BMs or SMs?  What does it "say" to the other home, the kids, our spouses or the world at large?

For me, the issues I've chosen to pursue are those that affect my resources and time.  That said, they're not things I (usually) accomplished unilaterally--I had to get DH's buy in.  

Examples:

-Finances:  I really did put my foot down on sending extra money when we truly cannot afford it.  I do not feel like I should be juggling how to pay the mortgage or rent vs pay to fix BM's washing machine or vehicle.  When DH had a great paying job? No worries.  But when he was unemployed and we (I) were still paying CS and trying to keep our heads above water, I felt like BM needed to find a way to make those things happen herself vs putting us in arrears on other things.

-Chores at our house:  When I met DH and the kids, they had no chores/responsibilities around the hosue.  He did their laundry, cleaned their rooms when they were visiting mom, and we spent EOWE doing major cleaning because the house was always getting trashed when the kids were home.  It was frustrating.  When we started having the kids do some chores (about 1.5 hours one day on the weekend, plus doing their own laundry during the week) BM was not pleased at first.  Then she started doing the same at her house.  No one is worse for wear.

-Table manners.  I guess I have high expectations at the table.  I expect people to put a napkin in their lap, use appropriate silverware, and use manners like not eating til everyone is seated, staying at the table until everyone is finished, and helping clear the table.  At first, I was appalled because the kids would literally eat things like steak with their hands, stand on the chairs and sing during dinner, start (and often take all of something before I even got to sit down), take a huge serving and eat just a little then toss (when it could've been lunch for Dad or me the next day), and bail as soon as they were done leaving all of the cleanup to us/me.  The kids have learned how to behave at the table and as a result, we both feel a lot more comfortable taking them out somewhere nice without worries that we'll be mortified.  

Those were my big three.

Because those "issues" affected MY quality of life in the home, I felt like they were worth fighting for.  I know that at first, it seemed to BM like I was being a control freak, but she is now enjoying the changes as are other family members and we all laugh about it now. But at the time, they were kind of big things.  Big overstepping SM things.  


by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 11:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM

Hills I will "die" for - BM should stay away from my income, my child, my life!

thatislife
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:02 PM
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I agree with you that things at your own home, the sm can talk to bd about it and they decide as a family what will go in their home.  As far as bm's house we do not try to control it at all unless there is a true safety issue or there have been times my dh has made his opinion known to bm about something (wanting preteen to not wear heavy makeup or clothing that is too old for her) but did that knowing his request was just that, a request.  We would never try to buy infuence financially at the other house the way smcell lady did and never in a million years would I cut off communications between my dh and his kids because bm didn't want me involved with them while at her house.  Nor would my dh (or any self respecting man) stand for that even if I was that kind of person.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:10 PM
1 mom liked this

Our children, the preshii - anything surrounding my children, I am pretty laid back generally but I can get very unreasonable where they are concerned. I won't allow anything concerning BM or SS to negatively affect them.



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

CodeBlue
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:18 PM
I didn't want children sleeping in our bed. The three year old would have nightmares and dad would bring him to bed -- that's fine. But when said child is back to sleep, he should be taken back to his own bed.
Don't get me wrong, I love the cuddles. But I also love sleeping without clothes and it really bugged me to have to put on clothes. I know it seems petty. But that's my hill!
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Mine is also finances. I'm not paying for shit I don't offer to or can't afford. My kids aren't goin to do without so his needs are met. I'm not gonna pay his child support, if he was to lose his job he will be asking for a temp reduction.

I don't deal w other ppl's kids tantrums. I don't deal w my own kids so well. In fact when they were little, I put their asses in a hold. Mine weren't fit throwers. So I walk away from fits. Strangely, they have figured this out and don't throw them for me.

I don't deal w BM. Hi and bye ok but nothing further.
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:34 PM
Oh this too. It's part of "my space".

Quoting CodeBlue:

I didn't want children sleeping in our bed. The three year old would have nightmares and dad would bring him to bed -- that's fine. But when said child is back to sleep, he should be taken back to his own bed.

Don't get me wrong, I love the cuddles. But I also love sleeping without clothes and it really bugged me to have to put on clothes. I know it seems petty. But that's my hill!

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beaularson91
by Janice on Apr. 6, 2013 at 12:40 PM
My hills were 1. That BM needed to stop telling us what we could or couldn't do on our time.

2. That SD needed to learn boundaries. Like the fact that she didn't go to bed til 2 in the morning and refused to sleep in her own bed, and that DH couldn't even go to the bathroom with the door closed without a screaming tantrum.

3. DH needed to learn to grow a backbone,and stand firm when he said no to SD.

Life was better for everyone, once these things were fixed.
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Mommyof5247
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this
I had many hills when I first became involved with DH & his drama. Overall, it was boundaries with BM mainly.
She needed to realize that she wasn't married to DH anymore, she honestly claimed that they were after the divorce. Then she needed to stop trying to control what we did at our house. From finances to where everyone slept (including my kids).

Now, my hills are 1. For BM to stop demanding instead of asking or trying to work things out with DH. She still acts as though we don't do anything more than sit around & wait for her to call, email or pick up the kids.
2. The kids needs need to be taken seriously. BM stopped following orders once she was no longer able to take them. She was no longer getting attention for them & that's when SD (and occasionally DH) started hearing a lot about her mom's supposed health issues.

Really, anything that bothers me (which doesn't happen as often anymore) DH is the only one that hears it. Then he can decide if he's going to say anything about it. I stay out of it & usually he's already handled it. Since I stopped informing BM about anything, I get a lot less frustrated & BM gets a lot less information since DH gives her bare minimum (IMO). Everyone's happy. ;)
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orcawhales98
by Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 3:13 PM

I would say have to say Chores.  I know when skids are with BM she waits on them hand and foot and I know when my bio kids is with her BF and Grandma they get waited on hand and foot.  My exh lives with his parents.  So my big thing is chores or picking up after yourself.  Don't leave socks all over the house or pop cans everywhere.  SO and I have gotten better with the kids because in the beginning we would have the kids EOWE and clean before they got here and then have to clean while they were here and after they left.  I got sick of picking up socks and shoes taken off where ever and having to throw their trash away and then have empty pop cans all through out the house.  SO and I told the kids we are not your maid you need to pick up after yourself.  So the past few months have gotten a lot better with the kids and chores and if they do extra chores they get money for it.  Which the kids like earning money.   But I had to do it for my on sanity.  I would hope this behavior would carry over to BM/BF house but if not that is ok.  As long as they do it at my house is all I care about. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 3:42 PM

For me, with SD and my 3 bios, in the important things are what I want to instill in them to become productive members of society. I want to instill responsibility in them, respect for themselves and others, and compassion for others.

As far as issues with DH or BM, that's on them. I refuse to fight with BM about anything. I also expect that she's not going to drag my bio-kids into the court mess and drama. The only times I've ever contacted BM on my own other than to update her about SD (as DH has custody and BM visits 1-2 days a month) is to request that she not teach SD mean and cruel things to say to and about her siblings.

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