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Get in line SM....

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:00 PM
  • 14 Replies

My husband normally talks to his kids daily via skype/face time.  Unfortunately, where he is right now, internet is sketchy so sometimes it's just his gov't phone which has time limits.

Generally, he does manage to get in touch with the kids each day before he talks to me and if he has used up his internet or minutes for the week, I don't get to chat.

I'm fine with that.  While I miss him, I can totally manage to not talk to DH for a day or two and not lose my marbles.  I'd prefer that he talk to the kids daily if it's between them or me based on his minutes or bandwidth.

I'm a grown up and I can deal.

But I was talking to a friend who is also a SM and BM and she totally freaked when I told her that I knew he'd talked to the kids (because they called and said so) but that I hadn't been able to talk to him.

In most situations, I am not cool with coming in second, third or fourth.  But in THIS situation, I'm fine with it.  I can handle a few days (or weeks) apart or being unable to talk. I've worked overseas.  I get it.  I am fine.

But my friend was all "You should be the first person he calls."

I totally disagree.  I think the kids should come first in this situation.  I feel like I should get in line.  If it works out, great.  If not, okay.

<shrugs>

How would you feel?  I love to be able to talk to DH but I am not going to die if I don't.  Whereas I think this situation is a lot harder on the kids.  So when it comes to a 60 min daily limit, I'd rather they spent that time together (kids and DH).

We're ALL new to this situation.   It's just that I've done the overseas thing before and he hasn't.   He is feeling badly about it too and I keep saying "don't worry about it...talk to the kiddos."

I mean it.  I don't want him to think that I don't want to talk to him, I do.  But I can handle it.


by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Nature_girl
by Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:07 PM

 I'm an adult. I can handle going a few days with out speaking to my dh. I am busy. If he called the kids more than me, that would be fine. As long as I got to talk a few times a week also.

As we get older, we get more secure in ourselves and our relationships. I think if you felt you HAD to talk to dh everyday, twice a day, that would say some negative things about you. I am sure if you felt you needed to talk to him you know he would be there to talk. That is feeling secure.

Isn't life so much better when everything isnt' a competition?!

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:13 PM



Quoting Nature_girl:

 I'm an adult. I can handle going a few days with out speaking to my dh. I am busy. If he called the kids more than me, that would be fine. As long as I got to talk a few times a week also.

As we get older, we get more secure in ourselves and our relationships. I think if you felt you HAD to talk to dh everyday, twice a day, that would say some negative things about you. I am sure if you felt you needed to talk to him you know he would be there to talk. That is feeling secure.

Isn't life so much better when everything isnt' a competition?!


I agree.  I think that my good friend is used to a more dramatic situation than I am. I'm really lucky.

I can talk to the kids anytime if they're available, BM and DH get along well, there are no major issues these days.  

BM is very kind to me when it comes to my relationship with the kids and she never stands in the way of DH and the kids having time to hang whether in real life or over the interwebs/phone.

I just disagree with my friend that I should be the first phone call. When he's on limited time, I'd honestly rather he spend that time with the kids.  They NEED him.  For me? He's icing on the cake of life. I've got it covered here.  It's nice to talk to hmi, but Iam just fine.

thatislife
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:23 PM
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I think you sound like a secure wife and caring sm.  It is nice of you to understand the kids may struggle more then you with the separation.  A lot of people don't have those qualities which is why you may not get that support from you friend.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:36 PM

It sounds like your friend doesn't have much experience with separation from her spouse and could be experiencing feeling less of a priority to her husband, maybe theeir relationship is still young.

I don't think who DH calls first or speaks to says much about his relationship with the person but more to do with the personalities of parties, it sounds like your stepchildren need more frequent contact than you do. 

tymama1022
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 4:46 PM

If I had to go threw this I would want my husband to talk to his dd but I will also want to talk to him as well as he talk to our kids we have......60 min daily limit isnt alot so its wait to divide the time he can call me every other day or the days sd is over call and talk the whole 60 mins and the days sd with her mom he can call her and talk to her a while than call us as well.


Yes I am a grown up but we all love daddy!!

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:36 PM



Quoting leegirl_jm:

It sounds like your friend doesn't have much experience with separation from her spouse and could be experiencing feeling less of a priority to her husband, maybe theeir relationship is still young.

I don't think who DH calls first or speaks to says much about his relationship with the person but more to do with the personalities of parties, it sounds like your stepchildren need more frequent contact than you do. 

That's the funny thing.  They've been married 8 years now, us just a year and a half.  She's been doing the SM thing a lot longer than me. It's complicated and I know every sitch is dfferent.  

She was just so adamant that I was getting screwed.  And I don't feel that way at all at the moment.

That's not to say that when things are "normal" that I don't feel slightly frustrated that he talks to the kids before he talks to me or interrupts what we're doing to talk to them when it could wait 5 min.  but in THIS situation? With him overseas?  I'm fine.  They are big time missing Dad.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:45 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Birdseed:



Quoting leegirl_jm:

It sounds like your friend doesn't have much experience with separation from her spouse and could be experiencing feeling less of a priority to her husband, maybe theeir relationship is still young.

I don't think who DH calls first or speaks to says much about his relationship with the person but more to do with the personalities of parties, it sounds like your stepchildren need more frequent contact than you do. 

That's the funny thing.  They've been married 8 years now, us just a year and a half.  She's been doing the SM thing a lot longer than me. It's complicated and I know every sitch is dfferent.  

She was just so adamant that I was getting screwed.  And I don't feel that way at all at the moment.

That's not to say that when things are "normal" that I don't feel slightly frustrated that he talks to the kids before he talks to me or interrupts what we're doing to talk to them when it could wait 5 min.  but in THIS situation? With him overseas?  I'm fine.  They are big time missing Dad.

I think this is more her personality, she could be insecure in her relationship or she is just a needy personality type.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:54 AM
Honestly I am even with them. He makes time for the skids and me. I don't demand it but he does make sure touch base w me too.
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ejsmom4604
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:03 AM

If we were in your situation and didn't have a child together, then yeah I would be fine with every few days (like 3-4 days). Actually I would ask is for maybe 5-10 minutes so I could say hi and my DS (DH's SS) could say hi and catch up. The rest of the time should be with SS. 

However, because we do have a child together I would expect, in your situation, that he would call and spend about 10-20 minutes to say hi to the kiddos. 

I think your friend needs to understand that you two are two different people and will handle situations differently. 

IamMex11
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 4:08 AM

great attitude.

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