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Man up! Or i am gone!

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:13 PM
  • 11 Replies
I will try not to take up too much time with this rant...

I have been with my husband for 4 yrs. We have a total of 5 kids. 2 are his. 3 are mine. We have them on a weekly basis, every other week.

My life seems to be in a steady mode of chaos and i can honestly say that there are 2 reasons for the resentment I am starting to have.
1. My husband's narcissistic ex-wife
2. My husband's oldest son

His ex has always hated me. From day one she has found ways to try to make my life hell. She has taken us to court 3x in hopes to gain full custody but she failed each time. This last time was the worse. Thank god the courts were able to see right through the lies and parental alienating she was doing. It actually backfired on her and she was court ordered to pay child support as well as the $5,000 in bills, school fees and prescriptions that she had not taken responsibility for since i came around. ( I can pay for her childs medical bills but i am not permitted to take them to the Dr. I can pay for school fees and clothes but I am not permitted to join any conferences or be there for meetings. ) Well she was ordered to pay 9 months ago and she is nothing other than a deadbeat. She'd rather spend the money on her married boyfriend. I have told my husband numerous times to file contempt of court and his reply is always "she said she would pay".

As for my stepson...i am trying to figure out how to put this without being so harsh. He is downright lazy! My husband does the guilt parenting. Because mommy will take us to court at the drop of a dime, he does what he can to spare his son any hurt feelings. This means the kid does whatever he wants and gets by with it. He has failing grades in 5 of 7 subjects. He gets no restrictions placed for this. On the other hand, i discipline my kids for anything below a 'c". My stepson decides if he wants to eat what i made and if not, he is told to throw it away although the other kids are told they have ro eat! My husband will be quick to tell me that he is punishing the boy for something then 5 min. Later he isn't doing it. There is a lot more i can add. I just know that this is long enough.

My husband seems so wimpy when it comes to his ex and the oldest son. I am resenting the fact that he allows his son to run this house and i am resentful for the fact that his ex basically controlls my household. I try to talk to my husband about this but it turns into a yelling match every time. He doesnt listen.

I am trying to figure out what reasons i have for staying. At the present time, i feel as if there are more reasons to go. Am i handleing this wrong? HELP!
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by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
stepmommy2
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:31 PM
I was kind of in a similar situation a few years back with DH. His ex is made of nothing but evil it seems like I had been the one dealing with her. Just kind of happened that way she started texting me about things and then she just didn't stop. Then DH started a new job that he was working longer hours so it meant I was the one dealing with skids and home and our DD by myself. It frustrated me that we would both be at home and if SS's ever needed anything they came to me first, never DH. And not that I mind taking care of them but to me it showed that they knew I was the one taking care of everything so come to me first. After work he would go to a friends house and seriously would stay until 1 am or 2 am some mornings. I was not ok with it. We had a serious sit down talk about it. I mean I laid it out that he Man up! Or I am gone! Just as your title stated. He cut back on his friends house and the nights he did go he was home at a reasonable time. He started dealing with his kids more. I have also learned to disengage from my emotions some with SS's. It's been hard since I have been around them for 11 years. But making DH do his job has honestly made me a little more sane.
notsowicked11
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:18 AM

I would be telling him to pick up his balls and get with the program. that is ridiculous. 

Andreaaa81
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 2:33 AM

seems like your husband is the problem. Tell him to fix it

Zaticia
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:33 AM

I would try marriage therapy.  

Good Luck!

Ameretto13
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 1:22 PM

Sorry to say, but the only thing I can come up with is... Different levels of... You guessed it, THERAPY! (And mediation)

Marriage counseling, so that you have a mediator and you have a chance to lay everything on the line. The mediator will give dh a chance to speak too, so heads up. 

Mediator, family court. There is NO reason your dh should be living in fear of bm. OR SS. Make sure the mediator meets with YOU and dh before they meet with dh and bm so they understand what exactly is going on. Bm should NOT be controlling your house like this.

THERAPY! Throw ss into therapy and get this nipped NOW! There is no reason he should be allowed to be a little asshat and ruin your family like this. 

Family therapy. If I were you, I'd haul everyone in for at least a month so that everyone has a chance to lay out the way they feel about what is going on in the house. Your younger children and skid(s) probably have more resentment in them than you realize. 

And, last but not least, personal therapy! For you! Its a sanity marker. It will give YOU the chance to vent, rant, and get advice to/from a third, outside, party who has no ulterior motives and has no involvement in your family. 

Yes, some of these steps are going to involve repeating yourself multiple times. But, it will also help you in the long run by giving you multiple people who aren't involved directly to give you ideas on how to deal with things. It will also help if you have DIFFERENT therapists for each set of therapy. Your marriage counselor should NOT be who you see for individual therapy, for example. The reason I say this is because if you see the same person for two different therapies they will have two different points of view to take into consideration and will have nothing new to add when it comes to you venting on your own.

shanlee42
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 3:27 PM
Yep, your problem isn't with the X or your SS. It's with your DH. You guys should consider counseling. He will never see the injustices he is doing without the help of an outside impartial third party.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 4:04 PM

Have to ditto marriage counseling with someone who specializes in blended families.

And if DH is not hip to that, then individual counseling for you with someone who is also well versed in blended families.

As far as  BM and the finances go, is it possible that your DH has actually had side convos with BM telling her that she doesn't have to pay?  Is it possible that your DH doesn't feel like it's right to demand money of her, never intended for that to happen, and feels uncomfortable with it?  It can be kind of a "man" thing to not want to take money from a woman--especially one he had kids with.

As for his older son, it's unfortunate that DH isn't more interested in the grades and helping his son get those up.  It's unfortunate that he's not teaching better manners.  

Ultimately though, these are DH issues.  A counselor would be a good next step.

Renee30-1975
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 5:54 PM
My husband has a signed promisary note from hthat his ex. She came up with it a few months back. She was to pay $100 a week and not once has she even stuck to it. I know he has been on her about it...but he says that in the promisary note, it states when the debt would be fully paid and she has til that date to pay it off.


Quoting Birdseed:

Have to ditto marriage counseling with someone who specializes in blended families.

And if DH is not hip to that, then individual counseling for you with someone who is also well versed in blended families.

As far as  BM and the finances go, is it possible that your DH has actually had side convos with BM telling her that she doesn't have to pay?  Is it possible that your DH doesn't feel like it's right to demand money of her, never intended for that to happen, and feels uncomfortable with it?  It can be kind of a "man" thing to not want to take money from a woman--especially one he had kids with.

As for his older son, it's unfortunate that DH isn't more interested in the grades and helping his son get those up.  It's unfortunate that he's not teaching better manners.  

Ultimately though, these are DH issues.  A counselor would be a good next step.


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Renee30-1975
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:00 PM
I have tried to get therapy and we went for the first visit but as soon as bm got wind of it, she stopped us cold! We received a letter from her attorney advising us that if the minor children needed such treatment, it would be best if my husband and his ex wife mutually agree and because she doesn't agree, we couldn't take part with my step son.


Quoting Ameretto13:

Sorry to say, but the only thing I can come up with is... Different levels of... You guessed it, THERAPY! (And mediation)

Marriage counseling, so that you have a mediator and you have a chance to lay everything on the line. The mediator will give dh a chance to speak too, so heads up. 

Mediator, family court. There is NO reason your dh should be living in fear of bm. OR SS. Make sure the mediator meets with YOU and dh before they meet with dh and bm so they understand what exactly is going on. Bm should NOT be controlling your house like this.

THERAPY! Throw ss into therapy and get this nipped NOW! There is no reason he should be allowed to be a little asshat and ruin your family like this. 

Family therapy. If I were you, I'd haul everyone in for at least a month so that everyone has a chance to lay out the way they feel about what is going on in the house. Your younger children and skid(s) probably have more resentment in them than you realize. 

And, last but not least, personal therapy! For you! Its a sanity marker. It will give YOU the chance to vent, rant, and get advice to/from a third, outside, party who has no ulterior motives and has no involvement in your family. 

Yes, some of these steps are going to involve repeating yourself multiple times. But, it will also help you in the long run by giving you multiple people who aren't involved directly to give you ideas on how to deal with things. It will also help if you have DIFFERENT therapists for each set of therapy. Your marriage counselor should NOT be who you see for individual therapy, for example. The reason I say this is because if you see the same person for two different therapies they will have two different points of view to take into consideration and will have nothing new to add when it comes to you venting on your own.


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Mommyof5247
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 7:45 PM

Marriage counseling. It's the one thing that you have control over in the situation. If he doesn't go with you, then you can go alone & make decisions that are best for you & your kids knowing that you tried.

If DH won't listen to what you have to say about the son or the ex, there's not much you can do about it. If he'll listen, it may help for DH to take BM back to court for the money, putting ss in therapy, & whatever else has been an issue. Where we live, we send the uninsured medical expenses into the child support office & they are supposed to work in the collection of it. He might want to wait until the deadline in the promissary note, & it sucks to have to wait, but he also has to look like he gave her the chance to keep her word.

Try to focus more on yourself, your kids & what you need. Let him deal with the mess. He is doing what he would be if you weren't with him so let him live with it. I've read several families keeping their money in separate accounts; that's probably a good idea for you if you don't do it already. Don't dish out any of the money you earn for his kids' bills if it's eating at you like this. If it comes from his check or child support directly that may help you feel less resentment about it. You may have to pick up the slack in another area but it may help to view it that way.

Good luck.

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