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new stepmom... but not so much stepmom

Posted by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:34 PM
  • 22 Replies

Hi Ladies.... let me just first thank you in advance for any advice or encouraging word you will give, and even if you don't have any advice to give thank you for taking the time to read this. 

Well let me start by saying I'm 22 years old.i live in Houston, TX. I got married to an amazing man last June & i have a 5 year old stepdaughter. I have no kids of my own & and is having problems conceiving, been to the Dr. he said everything look fine and to give it some more time that was in October of last year. BUT ON TO THE REAL REASON I'M HERE.(SORRY IF THIS IS LONG!!)

My Step- daughter is being raised by her aunt who she refers to as mama, because her mom lost custody of her and her other children due to one of her children passing away and not passing a drug test at the time of the child's death.(very sad). well my husband didn't get custody because there was never a DNA test, and she told him he wasn't the dad, he never signed the birth-certificate. Well his ex allowed her aunt to take my stepdaughter out of spite due to me and him being together, signing over her rights and the aunt also signed and affidavit to take the child as she had no other blood relative, NEVER contacting my husband even when we reached out. A few months later we got a letter in the mail saying the aunt was filing for child support. the courts refused him a dna test without a lawyer. we could not afford a lawyer & NONE  of his family would help us. not even his mother.My family did their best as they had just finish paying for our wedding. He loves his daughter no matter what always have and always will. so i say he is a great guy because he signed the cs order, telling the case worker she knows me as her daddy and no matter if im her dad or not she will always see me as a dead beat if im not there for her. Bought me to tears. i mean at the end of the day its just money. so he got a 2nd job to still be able to pay bills and child support. So now we get the 1st and 3rd weekends only by the aunts graces not the courts because they never stated visitation in the cs order. Meaning she can stop letting her come at any time. but so far she has been nice, and we all been getting along.

 YET.... i find myself every sad and hurt at times because my stepdaughter calls her aunt "mama" and my husband daddy, i dont think anyone in our situation understands how it feels to be in your first marriage together but have an outside child and not be able to have a child if your own. i feel alone. Me and my stepdaughter get along, but i play the bad cop all the time because my husband is always at work. i love her i really do. but i feel so bad at times that sometimes i end up crying. is this normal? am i being selfish? is there anyone that can relate? i treat her with nothing but love all the time. help me?

by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 11:44 PM
2 moms liked this
Welcome AND I'm from Texas too!!

First, what a sad story and pat on the back for finding a man that is so stand up about everything. I know that must make you very proud.

As far as the aunt and the name, mama. I am not one for children calling people names that are not the actual parent, however there are situations where it is acceptable. This is one. The aunt is raising this little girl. She has custody of her. She is very young and (you didn't say if she knows her bio mom). In this case, I really do think it is fine that she calls her aunt mom. Has her aunt decided if she will adopt her or is she just her guardian? In this situation, she is for all intents and purposes her mama. She is the only mama she has known. I am sure it must be hard especially while you are trying to conceive and having a hard time, to not hear those precious words. But for 1. You see her twice a month. She may not see you as a 'mama' because you aren't the one that is actually raising her. 2. This little girl has a hard little life ahead of her and probably has all kinds of confusion.
I would just embrace the relationship that you are building with her, accept what you are, and that is her stepmom, and embrace that. It's only a title - mama. Can you come up with a special name that will make you feel a closer bond to her? Has she ever made any comments about calling you mom?
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bumblebeequeen
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:00 AM

Thank u!!!! No she knows her real mom.i didnt want to cross any lines so i never mentioned it. However my husband did..... i ask him not to but he said he felt like she should be aware i am some sort of a mother to her as the aunt is in her 60's and may not be able to keep her past the age of 10. she is a very smart girl. he said " if im your daddy, and your my daughter, then miss Bee, is your...? and she said my step mom with a look of displeasure on her face which broke my heart and made me feel kinda low. but she is a kid so i didnt think to much of it outside of that and just kept cooking dinner.i respect her aunt. i just wish when we tride to reach out she would have talked to us instead of going to the courts first. 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:49 AM
Not being able to get pregnant sucks and a lot of people don't understand. Especially when you gave step kids.

I used to have a very hard time with how easy DH and BM had three kids bam bam bam. Obviously there wasn't anything wrong with him... So it caused l sorts of messed up emotions. It took us 3 years but it happened. Lol I caught h1n1 and was on some hard core decongestants. I really think that's what did it for me. They couldn't find anything wrong. but on the good side. I don't take or feel the need for any BC.

Keep trying or stop trying :) sometimes relaxing helps.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:54 AM
1 mom liked this
But you ARE her stepmom! She is a very smart little girl. Ms Bee is a fabulous nickname. I would stick with that! You aren't her mom and I know it hurts you to hear this but you aren't. And that isn't going to change.


Quoting bumblebeequeen:

Thank u!!!! No she knows her real mom.i didnt want to cross any lines so i never mentioned it. However my husband did..... i ask him not to but he said he felt like she should be aware i am some sort of a mother to her as the aunt is in her 60's and may not be able to keep her past the age of 10. she is a very smart girl. he said " if im your daddy, and your my daughter, then miss Bee, is your...? and she said my step mom with a look of displeasure on her face which broke my heart and made me feel kinda low. but she is a kid so i didnt think to much of it outside of that and just kept cooking dinner.i respect her aunt. i just wish when we tride to reach out she would have talked to us instead of going to the courts first. 


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bumblebeequeen
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:54 AM

Thank you

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:56 AM
1 mom liked this
How the hell is there a child support order against him if he didnt have a paternity test and isn't on the birth certificate?
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destiny83
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 12:56 AM


I feel for you and like that you are very interested in your DH's daughter. The only thing I can tell you right now is that thing will evlove so much in the next coming years. Your DH might persue custody and you will bond with her as a Custiodial Stepmom. Even if it doesn't work out that way something important for you to underdstand is that a stepmom can be a very important part of a childs life, especially if her Bio mom is not there. Don't let the word Step mom make you feel less than an important mom figure in her life.

It seems as though you have a ways to go. Trouble conceiving can definetly add to that. I know-I had trouble conceiving myself. Your matenral instincts my be going crazy, but the situation is still real world stuff- she knows her auntie as mom, she's young etc. KWIM? 

You need to change your mentality. Think of the years to come with your SD. Enjoy having a child in your life that is your husbands. Try to find some peace and see the good in it.

I wish you best of luck in conceiving and "babydust" as they say. I also don't want to see you on here having a new child and not being able to stand SD! GL.


Quoting bumblebeequeen:

Thank u!!!! No she knows her real mom.i didnt want to cross any lines so i never mentioned it. However my husband did..... i ask him not to but he said he felt like she should be aware i am some sort of a mother to her as the aunt is in her 60's and may not be able to keep her past the age of 10. she is a very smart girl. he said " if im your daddy, and your my daughter, then miss Bee, is your...? and she said my step mom with a look of displeasure on her face which broke my heart and made me feel kinda low. but she is a kid so i didnt think to much of it outside of that and just kept cooking dinner.i respect her aunt. i just wish when we tride to reach out she would have talked to us instead of going to the courts first. 



bumblebeequeen
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:02 AM

I would never try to replace her real mother and i think its cool she feels that way about her aunt and can call her mom. it just hurt for me to her little pitter patters around my house, calling my husband dad and never hearing mama. as im sure he may feel the same way if it was the other way around. i guess i justed needed to vent to someone who understands. im the first in my family to have a step child but no kids of my own. im the only one without kids. just needed to vent.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:08 AM
You'll have a baby of your own! Just keep positive thoughts. It seems you aren't trying to replace mom but you are trying to fill a void you feel in your heart. Your sd where you would like a new baby to be. Try hard to not do that because it is not healthy. If you haven't already, seek counseling to help you to maneuver through the feelings that you have. My husband does not have biological children of his own, he is an adoptive father though. I know he really does want a baby of 'his own' but it just hasn't happened yet. He has just decided to embrace what he has and live life enjoying every minute of it. Life is too short!


Quoting bumblebeequeen:

I would never try to replace her real mother and i think its cool she feels that way about her aunt and can call her mom. it just hurt for me to her little pitter patters around my house, calling my husband dad and never hearing mama. as im sure he may feel the same way if it was the other way around. i guess i justed needed to vent to someone who understands. im the first in my family to have a step child but no kids of my own. im the only one without kids. just needed to vent.


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bumblebeequeen
by Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 1:18 AM



Quoting JacyB:

How the hell is there a child support order against him if he didnt have a paternity test and isn't on the birth certificate?


Any time a court order goes into default, the parent that it falls default on... wont get to call any shots. it happens more often then people think. its a lot of guys paying child support without a  DNA test. 

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