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she doesn't want to do anything.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 12 Replies
My sd has autism. A community agency helps us pay to put sd in some kind of activity. She wanted to do soccer I put her in it and she hated it. She wanted to do cheerleading I signed her up got her all excited. Then a week before cheer started bm said to dh She wanted sd in karate because she thinks we live in the city and sd might need to defend herself someday. (Um no sd is NEVER alone and at the rate things are going she will never be alone. We live in a nice safe community she just freaks out because everyone in her family will say I worry about sd living in st louis. Which we live 1 1/2 hrs from.) Now sd comes home and says she wants to do karate. I told her I already paid for cheerleading. She threw a fit and I begged her to just try it and we will talk after practice tonight. She agreed. Shes not happy about doing it but everytime I remind her that she gets to wear a pretty skirt and and gets a metal she gets excited again. I was soo mad the day before bm started this talk about karate I sent bm a pic of sds cheer outfit so she could show sd and sd would look forward to coming home. Plus before spring break bm was all excited about cheerleading and taking to sd about it every night abd now it's like something changed. I want her to do what she loves not a sport because she's been forced to fear an amazing home.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 8, 2013 at 2:57 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:04 PM
I know I shouldn't of sent that pic I just thought cheerleading was the one thing the 4of all agreed on and we were all excited so I thought it'd help sd look forward to coming home and be something they could share while sd is down there. I took a pic of sd in the outfit last night I debated on sending it to bm but I'm not sure. It might make bm remember that sd was happy with cheer (she's happy in the pic) or it might piss her off more or nothing at all. What do you all think?
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:17 PM

I think you should ignore what goes on with BM, and recognize that your SD is trying to please.  She may even feel that she's doing something wrong by having fun in cheer if she thinks she's supposed to do karate.  Her interpretation of expectation is what you need to address. 

Prior to having my own place, I taught riding lessons at a facility the participated in a hippotherapy program.  Several of the kids were autistic, and a couple of them did some private leadline lessons with me.  The degree of autism ranged from severe (non-communicative, non-verbal) to very mild.  One thing about the more communicative kids was a tendency to over-try.  It wasn't all of them, but a few.  One kid in particular would answer questions giving every possible answer that might apply... as in, "What'd you have for lunch?" could prompt him to list every food he'd ever heard of.  He'd just go until you stopped in, which I suppose in his mind meant he finally gave the correct answer.  I don't know your SD, but if she's anything like some of those kids were, it may just be that she's trying in her own way to do what she thinks everyone wants from her.

newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:34 PM
1 mom liked this

See how the cheer goes. If it continues to be a problem with BM, fine, she picks the next EC and foots the bill since she undermined the cheer, it's her daughter anyway...I would never be this involved with the finances of an EC or the workload of it when the OP was working to undermine the situation. I would push the situation to DH's "inbox" to sort out the parental shit with the difficult ex...this is one of those situations when it gets to be difficult as the step because of a difficult BP you just remove yourself, your wallet, your secretarial services, taxi services and let the damn bios figure it the hell out.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:35 PM
I agree she's trying to please her mom because she gets lack of attention from bm. I want her to understand there is no pleasing her mom only pleasing herself. Its a nice day outside about 75. She's in shorts and a t practice is outside which she loves on nice days. I would bet the world that today she goes out there and practices her little heart out and falls in love again then she will call her mon tonight and the world will fall to shit because its not karate.


Quoting Derdriu:

I think you should ignore what goes on with BM, and recognize that your SD is trying to please.  She may even feel that she's doing something wrong by having fun in cheer if she thinks she's supposed to do karate.  Her interpretation of expectation is what you need to address. 


Prior to having my own place, I taught riding lessons at a facility the participated in a hippotherapy program.  Several of the kids were autistic, and a couple of them did some private leadline lessons with me.  The degree of autism ranged from severe (non-communicative, non-verbal) to very mild.  One thing about the more communicative kids was a tendency to over-try.  It wasn't all of them, but a few.  One kid in particular would answer questions giving every possible answer that might apply... as in, "What'd you have for lunch?" could prompt him to list every food he'd ever heard of.  He'd just go until you stopped in, which I suppose in his mind meant he finally gave the correct answer.  I don't know your SD, but if she's anything like some of those kids were, it may just be that she's trying in her own way to do what she thinks everyone wants from her.


reesesami
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:41 PM
As a volunteer cheer coach, I will tell you that if her heart isn't in it or there is even a slight chance she will not like it/complain/not want to do it....she will make everyone on her team and her coach absolutely miserable.

Cheer is fun but it is very team oriented. By all means, have her try it and she might love it and that would be great!

But if you want my advice, tell her about all the friends she will make and how they will all learn to rely on each other and become a little family. That should get her more excited than the sparkly skirt and if it doesn't, cheer might not be the best fit for her.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 3:52 PM
Bm lives pretty far away and I was only footing the bill because it was $6 with the agency helping out. Sd lives with us full time so we always foot the bill. I think ill take ur advice and tell dh if cheer isn't good enough then bm can start a karate class this summer while she is at bms and if it's something sd enjoys then we will continue it here. At least I know bm would have to pay at least $35 for a full class and would never do that.
The other thing I'm dealing with is sd can also have some agressive behaviors. I'm actually scared to put her in karate. I know they teach self control and only use under extreme situations but I Don't see her paying attention to the teacher talking. I'm not sure how many of you watch teen mom but it seams like karate for sd would be like amber from teen mom taking kick boxing or if u don't watch teen mom then that guys who did the sady hook shooting being taken to a gun safety class at a gun range that also taught him to shoot. Just in my opinion a bad idea and its my money even though dh started a new job today it's still our money! If bm wants sd to become a bully or worse because she doesn't understand the karate thing then it can happen on bms time with a woman who hasn't had a stable job in 3 yrs!


Quoting newstepmom61811:

See how the cheer goes. If it continues to be a problem with BM, fine, she picks the next EC and foots the bill since she undermined the cheer, it's her daughter anyway...I would never be this involved with the finances of an EC or the workload of it when the OP was working to undermine the situation. I would push the situation to DH's "inbox" to sort out the parental shit with the difficult ex...this is one of those situations when it gets to be difficult as the step because of a difficult BP you just remove yourself, your wallet, your secretarial services, taxi services and let the damn bios figure it the hell out.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:01 PM
The friends thing for sure helped. This is a little ymca group though about 9 girls ages 6-10 and sd is 8. They meet on Monday's for practice and Saturdays for games. Its not a huge deal more like a social group for her. So she likes it everytime I bring up the benefits but I think she wants to please the unpleasable woman and the voice of her mom pops up in the back of her mind. Here is my plan we try a practice tonight a game on Saturday and if she loves it great if she hates it ill remove her and not do anything with her until she says hey I want to try XYZ... like I stated I have other reasons for saying no to karate.


Quoting reesesami:

As a volunteer cheer coach, I will tell you that if her heart isn't in it or there is even a slight chance she will not like it/complain/not want to do it....she will make everyone on her team and her coach absolutely miserable.



Cheer is fun but it is very team oriented. By all means, have her try it and she might love it and that would be great!



But if you want my advice, tell her about all the friends she will make and how they will all learn to rely on each other and become a little family. That should get her more excited than the sparkly skirt and if it doesn't, cheer might not be the best fit for her.

reesesami
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 4:07 PM
Well good luck! I hope she has a great time!


Quoting Anonymous:

The friends thing for sure helped. This is a little ymca group though about 9 girls ages 6-10 and sd is 8. They meet on Monday's for practice and Saturdays for games. Its not a huge deal more like a social group for her. So she likes it everytime I bring up the benefits but I think she wants to please the unpleasable woman and the voice of her mom pops up in the back of her mind. Here is my plan we try a practice tonight a game on Saturday and if she loves it great if she hates it ill remove her and not do anything with her until she says hey I want to try XYZ... like I stated I have other reasons for saying no to karate.




Quoting reesesami:

As a volunteer cheer coach, I will tell you that if her heart isn't in it or there is even a slight chance she will not like it/complain/not want to do it....she will make everyone on her team and her coach absolutely miserable.





Cheer is fun but it is very team oriented. By all means, have her try it and she might love it and that would be great!





But if you want my advice, tell her about all the friends she will make and how they will all learn to rely on each other and become a little family. That should get her more excited than the sparkly skirt and if it doesn't, cheer might not be the best fit for her.


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dawncs
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 6:17 PM

Trying to fit in is a big thing when it comes to Autism. At times, they are willing to do anything to do it. Karate and martial arts can be a mixed thing for those with disabilities, and if she has coordination problems, she will have trouble advancing and get frustrated. There are many forms of martial arts out there, and it is a matter of finding the right one. Her Mom probably went with the most well known out there. You might want to ask around if there is a special needs martial arts class around in your city which can make a difference or even suggest it to the YMCA. You might also want to get her involved with TheARC (http://www.thearc.org/), Special Olympics (http://www.specialolympics.org/), Variety Club (http://www.usvariety.org/), and TOPSoccer (http://www.topsoccer.us/). Many of these programs are free or low cost.

Quoting Anonymous:

The friends thing for sure helped. This is a little ymca group though about 9 girls ages 6-10 and sd is 8. They meet on Monday's for practice and Saturdays for games. Its not a huge deal more like a social group for her. So she likes it everytime I bring up the benefits but I think she wants to please the unpleasable woman and the voice of her mom pops up in the back of her mind. Here is my plan we try a practice tonight a game on Saturday and if she loves it great if she hates it ill remove her and not do anything with her until she says hey I want to try XYZ... like I stated I have other reasons for saying no to karate.

Quoting reesesami:

As a volunteer cheer coach, I will tell you that if her heart isn't in it or there is even a slight chance she will not like it/complain/not want to do it....she will make everyone on her team and her coach absolutely miserable.

Cheer is fun but it is very team oriented. By all means, have her try it and she might love it and that would be great!

But if you want my advice, tell her about all the friends she will make and how they will all learn to rely on each other and become a little family. That should get her more excited than the sparkly skirt and if it doesn't, cheer might not be the best fit for her.

 

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:47 PM
What are your reasons for saying no to karate?


Quoting Anonymous:

The friends thing for sure helped. This is a little ymca group though about 9 girls ages 6-10 and sd is 8. They meet on Monday's for practice and Saturdays for games. Its not a huge deal more like a social group for her. So she likes it everytime I bring up the benefits but I think she wants to please the unpleasable woman and the voice of her mom pops up in the back of her mind. Here is my plan we try a practice tonight a game on Saturday and if she loves it great if she hates it ill remove her and not do anything with her until she says hey I want to try XYZ... like I stated I have other reasons for saying no to karate.




Quoting reesesami:

As a volunteer cheer coach, I will tell you that if her heart isn't in it or there is even a slight chance she will not like it/complain/not want to do it....she will make everyone on her team and her coach absolutely miserable.





Cheer is fun but it is very team oriented. By all means, have her try it and she might love it and that would be great!





But if you want my advice, tell her about all the friends she will make and how they will all learn to rely on each other and become a little family. That should get her more excited than the sparkly skirt and if it doesn't, cheer might not be the best fit for her.


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