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OT: Aging parents/medical procedures...and siblings

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:27 PM
  • 15 Replies

I have two younger brothers. One is overseas and has been for the last 7 years. I've not lived near home, either out of state or abroad for 13 years.  Only my youngest bro is still back in the home town near my mom.

Mom is going to have another procedure done this week that's pretty major. I can't be home for it.  I'm the medical POA person though and am on all of her records so that they call me afterwards.  Even though my youngest bro takes her to these things, he is clueless and frightened by all of it.  So they just call me.

I feel so badly for him.  I know he HATES going to this stuff but someone has to and he's there.  My other brother is hands off.  I am involved with the docs and have gone home to help post op in the past, but I can't right now.  I spent a few weeks home with her this last summer but it's not something I can do at this time.  So it's on him.  Bless his heart.  (in the Northern way!)

How does it work out w/ your parents and your siblings.  Is it fair or is it just a matter of whomever didn't leave town gets all the responsibility?  And what if EVERYONE is gone? then what? I hate that my baby brother, the one LEAST well versed in medical stuff and LEAST comfortable with it is the one who has to be there.  And there is no one else really.  Other than maybe friends.  


by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:34 PM

My parents will be my responsibility.  My brother lives in Texas.  My mom's family has 7 siblings.  My grandmother was in a home for 10+ years.  My mom and her younger brother took point on the medical and visiting and her older brother handled finances.  The other 4 lived out of state and supported the best they could.  sometimes it pays to have a lot of kids to help each other out.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 10:52 PM

I'm an only child for my mom. My BF passed away last summer, but I have yet to meet my siblings on his side (who are both in their 30s), though none of us had a close relationship with him.

My mom has a sister, but they are not close so I will be the one to deal with things related to my moms health, when necessary. I've been the one helping her regarding my grandma up until she passed away in December.

For me there is no "I just can't". I have to and I will because she would do the same for me. I'm lucky though that I only live 2 hours away from my mom.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:41 PM

My parents would probably be my responsibility primarily but my sister is always with me ready to do what I tell her needs to be done. My parents are still farily young, Dad is 70 and Mom is 58.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 11:46 PM
My parents haven't hit an age where we are talking care of them. Still pretty young. Dad is 51 and mom is 60. All three of us are equal executors of their estate.

Now my mom, she handles her mom. All three of her siblings live close by. Grandma now lives with mom. My aunt was always the one that took care of my grandma up until recently when her health became worse. Grandma decided mom was more stable, had a better handle of things in life and decided that mom was just the more responsible to handle her health and finances. My moms siblings hardly help out. They never visit and call once a week or every other week. Mom is basically in this alone.
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pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:17 AM

I was my mom's primary caregiver through hospice recently until she died.  Up until then, she had been completely independant for the 13 years she lived across the street from me.  My bro lives in Chicago, was/is SUPER stressed at work and really has no clue that he fell short.  He is always stressed at work.  

His life, his choices. Yet I think her death was harder on him because he couldn't/wouldn't be there.  I feel blessed that she lived across the street from me and I could be there for her.


CodeBlue
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:58 AM
I don't have to worry about that quite yet. Mom is 45, (step) dad is 55. They're both in good health.

I have been thinking about this, though for my grandparents... They are NOT going in a home (should they ever need one). They are both in good health for their age, but I would move heaven and earth to care for them in their home before they have to go to LTC. They have 4 kids, I'm sure they would live with my mom n dad - but my uncles would be as involved as they could.

My dad has alienated himself from me - his care would have to fall to my siblings or his wife. I won't be a part of it.
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suesues
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:33 AM

I attend all dr stuff and test because I am home in day and should do it as her dau my brother just visits because he works all the time i dont mind at all

BioNerd
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:05 AM

Hmmm...I really don't know. All of my siblings and I all live in the same town as our parents. Neither of which have any health issues to date....I plan on moving out of state some day though. I guess that's something that I just never really considered!

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:32 AM



Quoting BioNerd:

Hmmm...I really don't know. All of my siblings and I all live in the same town as our parents. Neither of which have any health issues to date....I plan on moving out of state some day though. I guess that's something that I just never really considered!


It's not something I considered when I was younger either because my folks were doing reasonably well physically.  Further, I don't get along with my folks that well so I really wanted to get away.  

When I started doing home health/hospice as a PT job several years later, I realized just how many elderly folks have no family nearby.  Still didn't concern me.  Not until my mom had her first stroke (at 57) did I start worrying.  The only reason she made it to the hospital was because I was in the habit of calling every morning on my way to work and caught her in the middle of having it.  

We're getting ready to move even further away.  Right now, I'm about 15 hours away via car rather than 7 whem her last hospitalization occurred over the summer.  Within the next 18 mos though, we'll be on another continenent.  It's frustrating to be far away when someone is sick and needs you and I hate that so much of the responsibility for day to day stuff has fallen on my baby bro.  He's in his late 20's and his longtime SO is a nurse so at least we've got that going. 



BioNerd
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:39 AM

Well I have to say, I am glad that you brought that to my attention, because I really never did consider it at all....It's a different perspective for sure.

That would really have to be hard. I plan to move about 7 1/2 hours away (by car) . 

Does your brother mind taking care of your parents? Have you guys discussed the possibility of a nursing home, if things start to get too much for him? 


Quoting Birdseed:

 It's not something I considered when I was younger either because my folks were doing reasonably well physically.  Further, I don't get along with my folks that well so I really wanted to get away.  

When I started doing home health/hospice as a PT job several years later, I realized just how many elderly folks have no family nearby.  Still didn't concern me.  Not until my mom had her first stroke (at 57) did I start worrying.  The only reason she made it to the hospital was because I was in the habit of calling every morning on my way to work and caught her in the middle of having it.  

We're getting ready to move even further away.  Right now, I'm about 15 hours away via car rather than 7 whem her last hospitalization occurred over the summer.  Within the next 18 mos though, we'll be on another continenent.  It's frustrating to be far away when someone is sick and needs you and I hate that so much of the responsibility for day to day stuff has fallen on my baby bro.  He's in his late 20's and his longtime SO is a nurse so at least we've got that going. 

 

 


 

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