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would you make him go?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 24 Replies

SS12 lives with us, he goes to BMs every other weekend. He stayed there for the week of spring break and this coming weekend is her weekend to have him. He says he does not want to go...I know BM is upset with him and he is worried how she is going to be towards him when he gets there. I dont know if there is any other reason, he said he needs to talk to me after school today so maybe there is more behind it. There is no court ordered visitation in place, would you make him go even if he did not want to?

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Frustrated10
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:24 AM

I wouldn't. He's old enough to make that decision I would think.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:31 AM

I would find out his reason behind not wanting to go before making a decision.  If he's in trouble with BM and it's legitimate then he wouldn't be able to avoid it.

Visitation is optional for SS's, but it's for good reason.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:39 AM
SS and my niece are like best friends. He was telling BM about her and she called my niece a slut. SS and his brother told me about the conversation and now she is upset. That is why he is in trouble with her. During the week of spring break all she did was yell at him and call him names. These are the 2 reasons I am aware of that he doesn't want to go


Quoting WifeyC:

I would find out his reason behind not wanting to go before making a decision.  If he's in trouble with BM and it's legitimate then he wouldn't be able to avoid it.

Visitation is optional for SS's, but it's for good reason.


Pero2
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:55 AM

We no longer have a valid court order, meaning DD would not have to go. There were quite a few occasions when she didn't want to go recently. I told her she no longer had to when SHE was mature enough to take the matter up with BF and give him her reasons. She is 13 now, and it hasn't happened yet.

BioNerd
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:56 AM

 So are you thinking there is some chance of violence at the house, or something? What does your DH say about all of this?


Quoting Anonymous:

SS and my niece are like best friends. He was telling BM about her and she called my niece a slut. SS and his brother told me about the conversation and now she is upset. That is why he is in trouble with her. During the week of spring break all she did was yell at him and call him names. These are the 2 reasons I am aware of that he doesn't want to go


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:22 AM

the reason he moved here in the 1st place was because his mom and her BF were not treating him appropriately. she didnt know how to control him so she uses physical force

 


Quoting BioNerd:

 So are you thinking there is some chance of violence at the house, or something? What does your DH say about all of this?

 

Quoting Anonymous:

SS and my niece are like best friends. He was telling BM about her and she called my niece a slut. SS and his brother told me about the conversation and now she is upset. That is why he is in trouble with her. During the week of spring break all she did was yell at him and call him names. These are the 2 reasons I am aware of that he doesn't want to go

 

 


 

BioNerd
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:24 AM

 Well in that case, I agree that you should probably get the skinny on what's going on from SS, and then talk to DH from there.............


Quoting Anonymous:

the reason he moved here in the 1st place was because his mom and her BF were not treating him appropriately. she didnt know how to control him so she uses physical force

 


 

dawncs
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:40 AM

 She probably made him very uncomfortable with her calling his friend and a step cousin a slut. You have to realize kids and teens can be a lot more sensitive to others these days. He thought he was doing a nice thing for his mother to let her be a part of his life in sharing a friendship he has, and it backfired. It probably hurt somethings in his relationship with his mother in his eyes because of her judging your niece without even knowing her.

Quoting Anonymous:

SS and my niece are like best friends. He was telling BM about her and she called my niece a slut. SS and his brother told me about the conversation and now she is upset. That is why he is in trouble with her. During the week of spring break all she did was yell at him and call him names. These are the 2 reasons I am aware of that he doesn't want to go

Quoting WifeyC:

I would find out his reason behind not wanting to go before making a decision.  If he's in trouble with BM and it's legitimate then he wouldn't be able to avoid it.

Visitation is optional for SS's, but it's for good reason.

Dawn


Group owner of Different Learners Support Group (http://www.cafemom.com/group/118648)

lnr187
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:43 AM

 if there is no CO visitation, then no, i wouldn't. and i'd tell bm exactly why.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 9:21 AM

I'm not calling your SS a liar, but kids and adults alike have a propensity to stretch the truth when it suits them.   I have a very hard time believing that BM would scream and yell at him "all week" over that.  Obviously, I don't know the background.

He's at the age where a lot of kids start trying to see how far they can play their parents to get what they want.  Especially if they're in trouble with one parent or things aren't exactly as they want or there's a new toy or a new friend they want to play with in lieu of going to the other home.  This is also around the time fake illness can start popping up "I'm sick, I can't go to school."  Uh no, you just don't want to get up...

If he could come up with some concrete issues at Mom's that he wants to address with Dad and Mom to resolve, then I could see setting up a 3 way meeting and discussing before sending him back.  But if not?  I think we'd still make a child go.  

There was a time at around that age when it was not uncommon for DH to get hysterical calls from his daughter(s) after Mom yelled at them about something.  He'd usually get one from Mom as well telling him to come get his kid.  All that really did was set up a pattern of histrionics.  Was Mom being a stellar parent during those moments?  No.  But no parent is stellar all the time.  And the kids didn't need to react that way either.  It took some sit downs with Mom, Dad and the kids to work through that.  

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