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How you deal with things as a step mom.

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:18 AM
  • 41 Replies
1 mom liked this

So I couldnt think of a better title lol.

Although I understand it will be quite some time before ss is in our home I wanted to ask advice from you all who have been stepmoms. I dont think there are really step parenting classes so I figured who better than those who have done. My mil is the only step parent I know and well shes not one I want advice from.

I'll list some situations that come to mind and I would like for you all to explain how you, as the step parent, handel that situation. I ask this because we run our home fairly "strict". More so than many of those of my age raising children. Things such as

-Toys(for the most part) stay in the bedroom not livingroom.

-shoes off at the door, no shoes on couch

-water only during the day(this is a free thing that they can get at any time) aside from milk with dinner.

-we dont do dessert.

-eat everything on your plate(we dont give them large portions and obviously if they are sick its ok). We dont have picky eaters becasue we have not allowed it.(i do keep in mind personal tastes when making meals, lunch is more relaxed on choice but dinner is what dh or I decide to make)

-bed time at 8pm

-no poop jokes(just something that annoys dh and I). No talking back.

-Time out is min, by age. Talk in time out and it starts over.

-limited tv and video games. if its nice outside you WILL go out(we have plenty of outside toys.

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So I know for the most part I need to let DH deal with disipline issues, but Im sure there will be times where Im here and dh is not. So here are some situations, please assume dh is not present at the time so I need to handle it. (for refference ss is 7)

-SS refuses the food Ive made. I require bites per age and he still will not.

*for our children-they get a warning that if they do not eat they are going to bed for the night. It took a while but they learned that we were serious and that is now all the warning they need.


-SS is not listening and refuses to sit in time out.

*for us time out is usually reserved for hitting, throwing toys, being mean in general. I hope by 7 he is not doing those things. Our 5yr old is only there when he takes toys from ds3 or is mean to him when playing with the neighbor kid(telling him hes a baby,etc)

-SS flat out not listening to anything I say or following any rules.

*Im sure this is going to be a difficult change for him. This will be a hard age to just come in to his life. I fully expect resistance and will try to be as understanding as I can, but what do I do if he does the exact opposite of everything I say or our house rules(which we will talk about before hand not just expect him to know). I know I am not his mom and there is a fine line of disipline, but this is my home too(I do actually pay the rent).


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Any other tips or situations you would like to share that you think would be helpful for a first time SM, or things you wish you would have know, I am all ears!


by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:18 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM

I think if this isn't how your SS is currently been raise, I think the transition is going to be very difficult and I wouldn't want extended visits if I were him.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:27 AM

Does Dad see his son at all now?

whatIknownow
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

this kid is going to hate you. Ask yourself if you are ok with that. If you are, proceed as planned.

FoodIsLife
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:31 AM
1 mom liked this

You are going to have to let DH handle the discipline for a little while first. If you start with it right away he's going to not like you (he's old enough to distinguish you from another parent.. It would be different if he were like 3)

DH needs to follow all the same rules and punishments with SS and you can ease your way in to them. We have a rule that whoever was there during the "incident" is the one who talks to her and puts her in time out and she doesn't get to speak to the other parent until TO is over. Other moms here will tell you different but for my family I AM the other parent to her. I may not be bio mom but I am the mom of this house and dad's wife which makes me her parent. Just be one :-) 

When DH isn't around, discipline as usual. You can't let things go, it will cause more problems with respect later. I'd rather my kid hate me but be well behaved then her like me and be a wreck. She'll be thankful later in life for the structure.

BioNerd
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:34 AM

 Oh boy.

RobsPrincess24
by ThePrincess on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:36 AM

 

-Toys(for the most part) stay in the bedroom not livingroom. SD is 15 so she doesn't have toys. She is expected to pick up after herself though.

-shoes off at the door, no shoes on couch Shoes can be worn in the house, but we don't allow them on the couch either,

-water only during the day(this is a free thing that they can get at any time) aside from milk with dinner. As long as SD isn't guzzling soda all day, we don't care what she drinks.

-we dont do dessert. We don't do dessert ALL the time, but every now and then we do.

-eat everything on your plate(we dont give them large portions and obviously if they are sick its ok). We dont have picky eaters becasue we have not allowed it.(i do keep in mind personal tastes when making meals, lunch is more relaxed on choice but dinner is what dh or I decide to make) Dinner is what DH or I decide to make also, but SD doesn't always have to eat everything on her plate. She is normally really good about clearing it, but occasionally she will ask if she has to finish it. Since it's not very often, we usually say no she doesn't have to.

-bed time at 8pm There is no SET bedtime in our house. SD usually goes to bed by 10, but if for some reason she is up later on a school night, DH or I will tell her she should probably head to bed soon.

-no poop jokes(just something that annoys dh and I). No talking back. Poop jokes don't bother us. Not a lot of jokes do. There is no talking back allowed though.

-Time out is min, by age. Talk in time out and it starts over. SD is too old for time outs. She does get grounded though and the length is based off of what she did to get grounded in the first place.

-limited tv and video games. if its nice outside you WILL go out(we have plenty of outside toys. Eh. We don't really care about this. As long as my TV doesn't suffer from images getting burned in, SD could watch TV all day and we wouldn't care.


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Wow, I think that may be much a first to handle when he is dealing with such a change of being at your house in the first place. You might want to relax a bit, it sounds to me like you're already expecting him to cause trouble in your little home. And FYI I have 3 bio and 2 skids...
whatIknownow
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 11:46 AM
2 moms liked this

Since this transition period is for SS to get to know his father, I would think you'd want to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Why are you asking for advice on how to punish him if he does not obey your strict rules, rather than asking for advice on how to make his visits fun?

Is this really your mindset as you begin your stepmom journey? Why would you want to sabotage your husband's relationship with his child? What does  he say about all this?

Is this how you generally treat guests in your home? or the children of your friends?

Diatech12
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:06 PM
Quoting whatIknownow:

Since this transition period is for SS to get to know his father, I would think you'd want to make the visits as enjoyable as possible. Why are you asking for advice on how to punish him if he does not obey your strict rules, rather than asking for advice on how to make his visits fun?

Is this really your mindset as you begin your stepmom journey? Why would you want to sabotage your husband's relationship with his child? What does  he say about all this?

Is this how you generally treat guests in your home? or the children of your friends?




Oh no that's not how I ment to come off! These are just some of the harder issues I hear about. I want them to have a good relationship like he has with our kids. That's why I want to get advice on how to deal with these types of things so that I'm not causing more issues.
I do want to make his visits enjoyable, and I'm actually excited to eventually get to know him too. We do fun things a lot and I do engage my children and he will be apart of that.
I don't expect him to be perfect, mine are not even perfect.

I don't think my husband has thought about these types of things yet. I'm an over thinker and get ahead of myself sometimes, but I like being prepaired. Dh is more of the "cross the bridge when you get there" type.
Birdseed
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I think the first step is to talk to your DH about his expectations and your concerns.  You guys have to be on the same page.

I will say that out of all of your rules, the one I absoluately hate (for any kid) is the "must finish whatever is on your plate".  I am all good with "try three bites".  But I think that creating the mindset/habit that you must finish what is on your plate is something that for people my age (who grew up with that kind of rule) has contributed to obesity.  

As far as the other house rules, I think that if DH is on board, he just needs to have a sit down talk with his son and explain the rules and let him know that he expects those rules to be followed.  Also that you are the other adult in the house and when DH isn't home, you're in charge.  You're not the mom, but you ARE the other adult in the home.  

I'm not exactly understanding what the transition is.  Has SS only been visiting periodically and now he's moving in full time?


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