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I guess I'm pretty danged lucky based on what I've been reading lately as far as SKIDS...

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:52 PM
  • 15 Replies

If you have a good situation...do share and give some people some hope!

My SDs (teens) are nice to me.  They talk to me.  They follow the rules in our home (that was a process).  They get good grades consistently now.  They do chores in both homes (sometimes, I wish BM would thank me for that since she was so pissed when it started in our home!), they are nice to puppies and kittens, LOL.  They even called 911 this summer when they saw an elderly woman down in her back yard. Stayed with her til the paramedics came.  (yay for their Red Cross first aid/cpr/babysitting  training, another thing I pushed.)

They are excited to come to our house.  They are excited about moving overseas with us.

They are generally pretty well adjusted, happy kids.

It's been a few years now since I met them and while I definitely had a lot of challenges at first, with counseling, book reading, posting here and working with DH and the kiddos, we're finally at a place where for the most part, we don't have major crisis every time the kids are around.  It took a lot of compromise and change on ALL our parts--me most definitely included.  I had to find my role that fit with everyone else and not just the world at large. It was a lot of work. 

But I actually enjoy my SDs.  When I think of them, I think of them fondly. 

I guess I'm really really lucky.  I'm not gonna lie, it didn't start that way.  But so much of my frustration was truly with DH not the kids.  And once I figured that out and focused my energy differently, it got so much easier.

I surely wish everyone the best.  But I wonder...had I read a post like this when I first joined several years ago, maybe I would've been quicker to get over myself and get focused on something else.

Maybe not.  Who knows.  But if you are in a good place, why is that?  Share for those who aren't having such a good time of it now, eh? <----that's my MI showing. :)




by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:52 PM
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:05 PM

Can I send you my SD14?  lol 

DH and I are at a loss with this kid and drowning in hormone hell.  She truly doesn't give a crap about grades, time management, taking care of her stuff... A friend of mine described her like water in the sense that she is so evasive of anything that isn't easy.  She's easily overwhelmed (quick to quit) and plays her little pity party victim card in response to just about anything.  There are really great days when she's in a great mood, does what she needs to do, figures out how to get from Point A to Point B... But most days? No way.  Catch her screaming at her brother?  You made it up, you're a liar, it didn't happen that way, you must be deaf, it's his fault...  Call her out on an error in her own argument?  Total freak out, you're making it a big deal, and so on and so forth.  It's getting worse.  The current source of her misery is school because she hates all her teachers.  She says they're too hard on the students and treat them all like little kids.  (Hey, go figure!)  And she's pissed at the rest of the world because her horse is lame, and OMG, she only has four years before college to show, it's never going to happen, he's ruining her plans...

She's driving us all (DH, me, BM, SF, her brother) crazy.

MaraJade27
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:10 PM
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I think I get along pretty well with my SSs. We have typical teenager issues with the 16yo and he and I did have a fairly big blow up a few weeks ago, but I try (try try try) to look at it from a mom perspective and not a SM one because honestly, teens are going to be like that with their BPs as well.

My younger two SSs usually enjoy their 60% with us. They look forward to things we do here, like taking care of our chickens, baseball, going to church, etc.

You can have a happy step family. It just takes time and effort. :)

--Mara
SAHM  and teacher to my kids. 3yo DS, 16yo, 9yo, and 8yo stepsons. Hippie chic, cloth diapering mama, natural childbirth advocate, and still in love with my wonderful husband after we've been through so much together.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 2:14 PM
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We are finally back to a good place.  The transition of them moving in and dealing with the reality that is now their Mom was a very hard time.  There were some nights that I hid in my room with a good book to avoid the drama and save my sanity.  There was even once when I found my DS with 2 perfect hand prints around his neck and then proceeded to BEG BM to make time that night for SS, only to be told she would only do it if SF would be involved.  SS, of course, refused.

There have been counseling, arguments, fighting and silent treatments.  None of us gave up on each other and we are a stronger family now because of it.

bertaboo1
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 3:08 PM

I had been reading some of the forums for about a year now.  i dont think i actually joined or posted until November of last year.  we had been struggling with our ups and downs and the crazy that bm would put us through.  i have no friends irl that are divorsed and remarried and have skids.  i didnt know where to turn.  I was a newlywed...1 dd (mine) and 1 ss (his) and i felt that dh was not pulling his fair weight.  i was overworked and underpaid so to say. 

when we had first started dating it wasnt like that.  dh was attentive...took me and the kids places...talked about having more children...he had gone through a nasty divorse (they were married for less than a year) and was willing to share the crap she put him through.  of course...i listened...but before you gals judge...i did not take his side as the end all be all truth...hell if bm knew how hard i defended her in the beginning i think she would croak.   but it is true.  she was young.  she burned her bridges and was left out in the cold....i felt sad for her in a way.  she made horrible choices.  life changing choices...

it wasnt until the stalking started that i questioned her sainity.  she broke into his moms house and caused damage.  she stole from dh.  she threatened my life.  she threatened dd (8 at the time)...she even made a fake fb of my daughter...she stalked me at work...stalked me at the store...and tried to move into the apartment building we lived in.  she told me she was going to take all my money...and make sure my kid got taken away from me...on what grounds i did not know.

then she stole ss.  for weeks dh had no idea where he was.  family and friends told him to call the police.  he didnt want them involved because he thought it would "piss her off more".  6 weeks the child was missing, until she caved and came back to town.  ss was almost 2 and he came back cursing, sick, and infested with bugs. a few months later...4 teeth were extracted because they were rotten. 

the last few years has been a complete struggle...it has felt like the kids have been bounced back and forth especially ss.  he attended 4 different daycares and 1 private school in a matter of 2 months.  either bm would not pay tuition...or ss would get kicked out for behavior issues.  the child cursed harder (have you ever heard a 3 year old say the f-bomb?  yikes) and last year had become sexually aggressive.  when dh confronted bm on the behavior, bm laughed.  thought it was funny he was trying to pull dd's pants down...calling her sexy baby...and trying to pull my shirt down and stick his finger up my bum! (and no...i was not wearing anything inappropriate...and no...we dont do things around ss!!!)  we find out later that since she and her bf and ss were living at her moms (they got kicked out of their apt) they were all co sleeping on the floor.  together.  bm is now pregnant.

as you can possibly imagine...i was at my wits end.  on top of that...nov i was held up at my job. that freaked the crap out of me.  i have never been in anything traumatic like that.  i am seriously sheltered i know.  but i was going through that myself and then all the other crap...i almost exploded...

dh has been helping.  most of my issues have been with dh and not with bm.  i see that now.  still doesnt lessen the fact that she is an idiot...and we will never get along...but i think i can not get so irate about her crazy anymore.  and really dh has been doing a lot more as far as not being a douche (lol)...seriously...he actually helps me...doesnt expect me to do anything...offers to help with the kids...he has a lot to work on...but these are not so serious issues as they were before.

i think as long as we continue to work at our marriage and communicate...things will fall into place.  ss doesnt curse anymore.  he is actually respectful.  of course he has attitude...what 4 year old doesnt...but it isnt anywhere near the last few years. 

bm and me...well...i dont think that we will ever be "there".  ive heard that she is bi-polar but wont take her meds.  i dont know what that means honestly...i know she has lied to my face...stolen from us...and threatened financial and physical harm to us...not sure i can ever get over that.  at least i can be civil if i need to be...and the rest of the time i can remove myself...ive learned to stfu in a lot of situations. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 4:47 PM
I feel very lucky when it comes to my DH and my SS. My SS is a very good kid, but he is not without faults (as if any of us are). For awhile he was bad about back talking, not listening, and not doing as he was told especially when it can to me. Before that he was crying a lot. For those two reasons we put him in therapy. After going through what he went through its very understandable how he was acting, but not acceptable.

He still acts out, but its mostly when he is seeing his mom he comes back with an attitude problem. Right now he's nit seeing his mom and surprisingly the other day he said he didn't want to go back until she was going to act like a mom. This coming from a 7 year old. The other day he actually told me I was a pretty awesome mom and he was glad to have me as his step mom.
There will always be problems with the BM, but as long as SS is safe and happy I'm pretty happy too!
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 4:59 PM
I don't know sometimes things are great other times not so much. Like today, sd keeps hitting my ds and everytime i say something to her about it she goes, mommy is better. I don't have to share at mommies and it's just me and i can do what i want at mommies. I get it..i do..she is only a kid but it us hard when she doesn't listen and when it comes to her getting in trouble she says she wants to run away. I understand she is an only child at her moms house and comes here and doesn't have to follow rules because she doesn't listen to me and dh does nothing.
I guess other times things are greaat but i get so stressed out dealing with it all and just want to cry. Her mother is constantly telling sd she doesn't like me and stuff like that. I just wonder if it is worth all this. I love dh and sd but it is very hard to live like this sometimes. Hmm i don't know...i guess the good is better then the bad. I do love my family abd wouldn't change it for the world. Maybe it is me and i nees therapy or something.
Panda113
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:51 PM
I generally lucked out. SD (for the most part) is a pretty awesome kid and we get along great. She gets straight A's, is a pretty good listener, and is very respectful. I'd say 75% of the time she gets that I'm not actually obligated to do anything for her so I get a lot of thanks from her. She's really funny and can be such great company. However, she definitely has her kid moments and could win a whining contest hands down.

I had a hard time transitioning at first but my problem was never with her and always with DH. SD can be annoying (shes a girl and 10 and has the fundamental flaw of being a kid) and he can get super frustrated with her but if I get frustrated too (at the same exact time to the same exact behavior) he'd totally get super defensive and I'd get "*gasp* she is just a CHILD" with this hurt look like I stabbed him in the heart. Made be want to sock him in the face. He's better about it now.... kind of.. after I called him out a bunch of times but he, too, still has his moments.

90% of the time I'm happy they are around.
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MomGoingCrazy78
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:58 PM

My SD10 and I have a wonderful relationship. Her and I don't have any problems at all. I can't imagine her not in my life. She tells me all the time that I have to be her other mom for the rest of her life!!

Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 7:01 PM
We're in a good place. I got DH to step up more and learned not judge BM's decisions. Although I'm still left saying WTF every now and then.

It just takes time persistence and understanding.
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Nature_girl
by Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 8:20 PM
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I am blessed that my skids get along with each other and ds. They really are best friends.
I have come to realize over the years what ever issue I had with skids was more of an issue with dh. As soon as we ironed out those issues ( still are wrinkles, but not boat rocking) my skid issues went away.
Haha, as I was typing this SS just came and gave me a big hug and an "I love you".
They aren't teens yet though. Lol
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