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wanting more time with kids

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:42 PM
  • 16 Replies

Hello. I am looking for some advice, validation, or to just tell me that I'm crazy and unreasonable... My boyfriend and I live together. He has two daughters, who are lovely. Although the divorce is not final with the girls mom. When he left, he did not push for them to come over. He thought it was in the girls best interest to get used to dad not being around in their own surroundings. He would take them out for dinner and to go see movies and stuff during that time. They did stay with him a few nights here and there, but not very often.

We started requesting them to come over more since November. They have been coming over and staying one to two nights. We have talked to the girls because we want them to stay more to see if they are comfortable over here. We don't want to make them stay if they do not want to. They have both told their dad that they want it to be half and half between time here with us and time with their mom. Their mom is not allowing this. At this point, we cant push because the divorce/parenting plan is not official.

She feels that they should spend no more than two nights a week with us. She says that it is standard with divorce that the kids stay only two nights a week with the father. Is that true?... What if the dad WANTS to be their dad? and spend time with his children? My bf and I took the time to look over the calendar for the rest of the year. We came up with an equal schedule of three nights with us one week and four nights the next. With this schedule, we also get them every other weekend. We gave their mom this schedule for her input and she said it is too eratic. So we suggested 7 days here and 7 days there. She continues to say only 2 days. UGHHH, so frusturating!!!! We are looking for consistancy for the girls. Something that is fair to their mom and for us.....Is it wrong for dad to want to be involved in his childrens lives? is it wrong to ask for 50/50? 

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:42 PM
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by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:46 PM

If dad wants 50/50 he needs to request it in court prior to a standard court order being set. 

If mom doesn't want to give it now I'd take what you can get. Does he have an attorney?

by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:50 PM
I don't think it is bad to request it at all- but depending on where you are, the courts may not grant it. We have a 5-2-2-5 schedule with SD and it works out very well, but it doesn't work for everyone.
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by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:51 PM

Yes, he has an attorney. And it is being put in his petition. We are just so frusturated. We only want what is best for the girls. Not for him and not for mom, but for them. 

by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 5:57 PM
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If Dad wanted to be involved, he should have requested 50/50 at the time of separation.

I think you should stay in the background until the divorce is final, there is no 'we' in these proceedings.

Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:21 PM
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He needs to ask for 50/50.

My husbands daughters did great with this but it was something he and his exwife agreed to as long as he paid X amount. he probably woudln't have gotten it if it had gone all the way to court because in most areas, Mom gets primary with Dad just getting EOWE.  

I'm surprised that he feels comfortable going for anything with you there.  Typically, it looks bad if there is a woman in the home that isn't the wife--especially if the divorce isn't even final.  You may be hurting his chances.  

by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:21 PM
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You both have been asking since November and the divorce isn't final.  How long have you been with him?

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:28 PM

Ok. Hm... Well, from what I understand as far as most states go, 50/50 custody without a court order in place is the normal rule of thumb... However, your bf isn't divorced yet so idk how that works. Right now, you aren't their step mother... Not legally. (Please don't think I'm being snarky or bitchy. I'm really not. I'm trying to let you know how the courts are going to see this.) Legally you have no "rights" to the girls or to make any kind of decisions for them... However... Once the divorce is finalized and you and bf decide and get married its a slightly different story. 

Bm and bf are the only ones who can make any kind of decisions, and can decide on anything that concerns the girls. All that being said...

What you can do is talk to bf and be there to support him and the girls during this time of transition and difficulty. Bf can discuss things with you (like, "I'm thinking of asking for XXX amount of time with the girls" or "I'm thinking about going to xx with the girls when they come over, what do you think?" or even "what do you think I should do?" these are examples btw.) and you can give your input. However, when it comes to meeting with the lawyer(s) and going to court, no one but the lawyers, if they're involved social services, and the bm and bd are allowed in with the judge or mediator.

When/if you and your bf get married, things change a bit. You then have the "right" to help make decisions (transport, what they can/can't wear at your house, when they're with you when/how long they go out without you/dh accompanying them, those kinds of things.) but you still don't have the right to make medical decisions, educational decisions, and in some cases, discipline them (that depends on your bf/dh)... I'm in the same situation with my ss (bm is out of the pic) and ds (bd's so has been in ds's life for four years.)... 

by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:34 PM
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Would dad be asking for 50/50 if you weren't in the picture?  There is no 'we' at this point.  There is 'him (BF), 'her' (BM), and them (dds).  How long have BF and BM been separated (how long have they been with BM mostly and BF when convienient)?  How old are the girls you're asking input from? 

by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:41 PM

In another group you say you are engaged.  He jumps kinda quick.  Is he wanting his kids more or are you pushing for it?

by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 6:48 PM

My DH shares 50/50 with BM. It's not that uncommon. My DH is also a very hands on dad.

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