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You're not my parent!

Posted by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:47 PM
  • 36 Replies
Well, I went to sd's therapy with her and bm today. I hadn't been in a few months. Her behavior had been improving, but then a few weeks ago, it all got bad again. Therapist asks her what has changed, why behave and everyone be happy and then just go back to her old ways. Therapist says obviously the problem is with sm because behavior is not as bad when dad is home or grandpa(my dad). SD says,"she is not my parent. I don't like her and she is mean."

I asked her what was mean. Asking you to clean up yourthings? Eat your dinner? Use manners? Not hit or be mean to your bbrothers? Not scream and yell? Answer when spoken to? Bm says those are all things she asks of her and she didn't see how that was mean. She also said,"I told you that sm is your parent as well. You are supposed to listen to her and respect her. She takes my role when your dad is at work and you are there."

SD then proceeded to tell them that I pulled her pants down and beat her with a belt. That was a total lie. I have not spanked any of the kids with a belt. My hand, but only when necessary. I told bm that even though she told me to spank her and I had awhile back with my hand, it did no good and I was uncomfortable doing so. She said she pulls out the paddle. I said you are her mom. SD has threatened me and told too many lies about us beating her or not feeding her and I refused to spank her.

SD got smart with bm. Bm corrected her. SD cried and said see you are mean as well.

I am just at a loss. I am not her mom, nor have I ever tried to take over that role. But now that SD has actually said what she feels, what do we do now? What do I do now? Therapist made her promise she would behave but none of us believed she will. I told SD she didn't have that "you're not my parent" attitude when I was doing something fun with her or doing something fun for her. My mom says just keep doing what you are doing. Well that isnt working. Hasn't been working. Why should I keep being nice and doing things for her and with her when I get screamed at, disrespected and lied about? Suggestions?
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by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:47 PM
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:01 PM

What are the consequences for poor behavior? What are the rewards for good behavior?

With SD (she's 12, but developmentally about 6-9 depending on the area) it's very hard to figure out consequences as BM just screamed, yelled, and made her to go her room alone for the rest of the night. SD is a pretty easy kid, but we do have issues with homework (she gets grounded until it's finished that can be a few hours up to several days). She gets rewarded with extra screen time, cool arts and crafts projects to do, a redbox rental, a trip to the $3 movie theater, and sometimes the ability to walk down to 7-Eleven to get a slurpee with DS 10.

DD 6  and has some pretty intense behavior issues. She's in behavior therapy, occupational therapy, aquatic therapy, and takes medication to help. Punishments are time outs, losing fun time (TV time, game time, etc). Rewards are TV time, extra play time, special treats, redbox rental, etc.

Find what works for her, and really work on focusing on the good behavior. Even if all she gets is LOTS of verbal praise, it'll help make a difference.


Good luck with everything. 

FoodIsLife
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like she is just saying things to get others in trouble in hopes that you all will cave and she will get her way. 

Keep being nice. She NEEDS the love now more than ever. I am so happy to hear that BM seems to have your back and you both are able to confront this issue together

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:11 PM
I can see that. But it has been five years of this. No one is caving and the therapist repeatedly points that out. My biggest issue is the allegations. She told the counselor some pretty bad stuff last year at school. Bm and I had to have a conference with her to sort it out. I guess I am just afraid of what the repercussions will be when someone takes her seriously enough to file a report. No I have anything yo hide and i dont abuse anyone. But I have my own children to think about.


Quoting FoodIsLife:

Sounds like she is just saying things to get others in trouble in hopes that you all will cave and she will get her way. 

Keep being nice. She NEEDS the love now more than ever. I am so happy to hear that BM seems to have your back and you both are able to confront this issue together


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WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:22 PM

SD is not comfortable with the relationship you forcing on her.  You should step back and see how it goes with her.

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 9:34 PM
I don't really understand what it is I am forcing on her. Dh and I have been together since she was an infant. The have shared joint custody for 5 almost 6 years. I was way more involved, per Dh and bm's request. That seemed to backfire and I was always either the go between or the bad guy. I disengaged and, other than therapy, rarely communicate with bm. I don't involve myself in their home, her parenting, etc. Then it turned into you don't care about me and you are mean. They only time I correct her is when Dh is at work and I am home with the kids.
Seems like when I step back, I don't care about her and am mean. When I don't do that, I am mean and not her parent. So what do you do when everything you do is wrong?


Quoting WifeyC:

SD is not comfortable with the relationship you forcing on her.  You should step back and see how it goes with her.


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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 10:31 PM

How old is she? We hit a rough patch around 6-7 depending on the kid. It passes.  Nothing pissed OSD off more than me agreeing with her when she told me I wasn't her mom. Or that I was mean-  when she didn't get a reaction from me it faded out.

I would just be consistent  what ever path you decide to take and not let her get to you. Maybe have a family meeting that where you review expectations and make a chart that you can just refer to when DH is gone. Sometimes just the structure with clear expectations and consequences/rewards helps.

Ysd is on a kick when she is calling me a bully all the time.. What ever.  It's just because she's not getting her way. I completely ignore it.

Quoting LittleMama2012:

I don't really understand what it is I am forcing on her. Dh and I have been together since she was an infant. The have shared joint custody for 5 almost 6 years. I was way more involved, per Dh and bm's request. That seemed to backfire and I was always either the go between or the bad guy. I disengaged and, other than therapy, rarely communicate with bm. I don't involve myself in their home, her parenting, etc. Then it turned into you don't care about me and you are mean. They only time I correct her is when Dh is at work and I am home with the kids.
Seems like when I step back, I don't care about her and am mean. When I don't do that, I am mean and not her parent. So what do you do when everything you do is wrong?


Quoting WifeyC:

SD is not comfortable with the relationship you forcing on her.  You should step back and see how it goes with her.



momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 10:37 PM
1. I love that you spelled you're right. That doesn't happen often
2. I love that you and mom are working together with this and mom seems to back you
3. I wonder if this is an age thing for SD because she says her own mom is mean as well when she sided with you. So it doesn't seem to be that YOU are the problem it seems to be that SD is going through that phase of 'my parents are mean'. Good luck. It's a tough age.
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lnr187
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 10:42 PM

 im glad bm believes you but i'd be worried about sd lying. i wouldn't want to be alone with her, ever, so that there's always a witness to how you and sd interact. that's scary for sd to make up such lies.

are you, dh, and bm (and sf if there is one) all on the same page? do you have similar consequences for her actions at each home?

sounds to me though that she is just trying to get her parents attention.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 10:46 PM
My stepdad went through this with my sister. She accused him of spanking her when he never touched her. She accused him of stealing her stuff when he never did. She grew in to an adult that still would accuse him of things. One being, she was a single parent living in his home. She would ask for reinforcement bc she felt that her son needed a 'man' to reinforce. He would reinforce and then she would stomp off pissed when he did what she asked. So he backed off of her. He stopped doing anything for her. Once she realized what she was missing (this was an adult not a child btw) she stopped that crap and they are now working on building their relationship. And are pretty close right now. He is still hesitant of her because he's been burned so many times. I'm not sure if that is the right answer but it sure seemed to work.

My husband is also going through a up and down phase with dd 12. They are pretty close but she is starting to take advantage of him and kind of treat him like a friend and not an adult. Like she will jokingly tell him to shut up. He has always taken the fun uncle role and not a parent role. Well she has started taking it too far. They wrestle and play but she gets rough and will slap him. Or when she isn't getting her way, and he is just standing there listening to her and I go at it, she will look at him and say something rude. So he started disengaging this past weekend. It's only been three days and she started noticing. Made a comment about he was being different like he didn't care about her. And he told her well yeah, I don't like being treated like that I don't like being told to shut up even if you are kidding. So yeah you hurt my feelings and I'm just kind of done with you right now. Yeah well guess who has been sweet as pie today? She's hormonal and being a tween. We aren't giving her a pass but we also know it's not personal.


Quoting LittleMama2012:

I can see that. But it has been five years of this. No one is caving and the therapist repeatedly points that out. My biggest issue is the allegations. She told the counselor some pretty bad stuff last year at school. Bm and I had to have a conference with her to sort it out. I guess I am just afraid of what the repercussions will be when someone takes her seriously enough to file a report. No I have anything yo hide and i dont abuse anyone. But I have my own children to think about.




Quoting FoodIsLife:

Sounds like she is just saying things to get others in trouble in hopes that you all will cave and she will get her way. 

Keep being nice. She NEEDS the love now more than ever. I am so happy to hear that BM seems to have your back and you both are able to confront this issue together



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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 11:41 PM
She is getting ready to turn 11. It could be an age thing but it's been going on since she was 6.


Quoting Polkadotted:

How old is she? We hit a rough patch around 6-7 depending on the kid. It passes.  Nothing pissed OSD off more than me agreeing with her when she told me I wasn't her mom. Or that I was mean-  when she didn't get a reaction from me it faded out.

I would just be consistent  what ever path you decide to take and not let her get to you. Maybe have a family meeting that where you review expectations and make a chart that you can just refer to when DH is gone. Sometimes just the structure with clear expectations and consequences/rewards helps.

Ysd is on a kick when she is calling me a bully all the time.. What ever.  It's just because she's not getting her way. I completely ignore it.

Quoting LittleMama2012:

I don't really understand what it is I am forcing on her. Dh and I have been together since she was an infant. The have shared joint custody for 5 almost 6 years. I was way more involved, per Dh and bm's request. That seemed to backfire and I was always either the go between or the bad guy. I disengaged and, other than therapy, rarely communicate with bm. I don't involve myself in their home, her parenting, etc. Then it turned into you don't care about me and you are mean. They only time I correct her is when Dh is at work and I am home with the kids.

Seems like when I step back, I don't care about her and am mean. When I don't do that, I am mean and not her parent. So what do you do when everything you do is wrong?





Quoting WifeyC:

SD is not comfortable with the relationship you forcing on her.  You should step back and see how it goes with her.





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