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I have had it!

Posted by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 9:48 AM
  • 36 Replies

I am beside myself with all the crap going on.  I'm so hurt and fustrated I feel as if no one knows exactly how I feel execpt other step parents.  So here goes, cause I really need some sound advice please!


I'm married to dh for almost 7 years.  We are a blended family as i have 2 sd's now 19 and 18 and I have a son from another relationship who is 16, no kids of our own.  Anyway, Things were great for a few years all getting along, and then one day my dh turned on my son and things have been hell since.He treats my son like he is crap and yells at him all the time.    He feels as if I should give him my chldsupport for the family and and I disagree.  If my son needs something I use the child support on him, while my dh wanted to pay for sd's college books with it.  

I have always treated sd's like part of the family becuase they are.  I love them dearly and so does my family.  I am not working, as I got laid off 3 years ago so I am back in school to get a degree and will graduate next year.  In the meantime I was babysitting my nephews and my cousin was paying me, which I used themoney to pay for my college tuition.  

Sd's used to talk to me all the time about how much they cant' stand their dad that all he ever does is talk about money, how he made their childhood hell etc.  I felt bad for them because I see how he is doing that now for my son and for me.  Always starts crap on every holiday and doesnt' even go to any of my family events anymore.

Anyway, my parents and I saved enough money to take all three kids themselves and me to disney last summer for a surprise vacation.  I told dh to tell his ex about us flying and he refused.  I had no number, address (cause bm moved and didn't give address) and I didn't have her email. I asked sd's for bm's email and they didn't give it.  Anyway bm made it hell for the girls on vacation because she didn't know.  

Ever since vacation in august, the girls have not been around.  Dh is supposed to be 50/50 and they just don't come around.  When my son asked why their response one day was" we dont want to" or when are you going to stay here again?  "Uhhh the day next to never" are the responses.  

Have I mentioned that my dh has given the 19 year old 2500.00 in 2 months?!  He yells and screams and goes ape like if I spend any money but he can give her money and not tell me until I see our bank statements from cashed checks.  

I used to be so close to sd's and have no clue what has happened.  I'm so alone as dh works till late, girls not here anymore.  My son likes spending time at my parents home because he can't stand dh either.  I'm just so hurt that the family that use to be is no longer.  


by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 9:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 9:55 AM
2 moms liked this

You do have a clue what happened - your Dh happened.  

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:05 AM

 Sorry to hear that you are having such a terrible time right now, it does sound awful.  I suggest starting with your relationship with DH and see if that can improve (maybe with counseling?) or if you can talk and make some changes because things are not good right now.  Can you make a list of the things that need to change in order to get back on track with you and him? 

If your relationship can not get back on track what is your plan?

DDDaysh
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:12 AM
4 moms liked this

 Well, I can sort of see your DH's point about SOME of the money stuff.  For a few years now he's been covering all the bills and household expenses while the only money you bring in, babysitting, goes just to your college and you're holding on to CS for son specific stuff rather than using some of it to offset the cost of your child's expenses in your home.  Therefore, why shouldn't the money he earns be considered HIS money to do whatever he wants with?  Why shouldn't he feel entitled to give it to his daughter rather than letting you spend it since you're not sharing any of your funds?  So...  from that perspective, I can get why he might feel the way he does about the finances. 

 BUT - given the history of the situation, I think he's probably way more of an ass about this than he has to be, and it's that kind of asshole behavior that is driving everyone away.  Your DH might be giving SD money, but he's probably also giving her a lot of grief judging by the way he's treated you about the finance things.  None of that will make his kids want to come around, and since he doesn't seem to care that they don't, why would they subject themselves to him? 

 

 

newstepmom61811
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:26 AM
Wifey, you are 100% right.
OP, the SDs are your clue, they even tell your DS they don't want to have to deal with their own dad.
Briefly, my story. My dad could be very mean growing up. When I finally got free and put of the house I didn't visit much, broke my mom's heart. At that point I used the only relationship I had with him, money. I took what he gave. Eventually I got through college and supported myself. Slowly I matured and I changed, sought a relationship on an adult level with both my parents. Alway had a good relationship with my mom. I had some serious near blowups and brutal hashing outs with my dad over what he put me through as a kid. It was an all or nothing to me. Either we cleared the air and healed or there was no relationship to be had, and it would be on my terms. I was tough. There was much more in him and mysel than I realized. We have healed and there are parts of him that are a good man. I now have a very good relationship with him. He still isn't perfect by any means, but I'm also not a child and am VERY quick to call him on his shit I he wants me in his life. I don't take his money anymore, matured well beyond that young superficial girl...it's growth on both parts. That's likely where your SDs are. As for the wife. My mother is still married to my father, it is an endeavor of endurance. They married at 20, now married over 40 years, and stay married because they just don't know how to live differently and don't want to start over. They know each other better that anyone else. They truly face the world together and on the flip side tear each other apart worse that anyone else...are they in love? Not sure, I just don't think they know anything else. Your kids sound like they are trying to cope with a father figure they just don't want to be around and much like my mother it isolated her from her kids, at least for a time. You need to really look at your marriage, selfishly, they kids will go on, always love you, but they will strike out on their own paths, that is what they shoul do, get their own lives if you have parented well, and when they do, really look at your marriage, selfishly, is that marriage you are left with when the best is empty, the one that fulfills YOU? Good luck. As a daughter to my mother, I never question why she stayed, she made her own choices, I respect her right to do that, I'm just sad sometimes for my mom, I don't think she can say her marriage was a happy one and that hurts me, and ironically, I can't say that about my dad either, and I love him too, wen though he put us through a lot, I never wished ill on him.


Quoting WifeyC:

You do have a clue what happened - your Dh happened.  


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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:31 AM

I would hang in there until graduation, get a job, and then probably move out.  While I can see where he might be frustrated footing the bill for everyone, the situation would not be different if you and he were a nuclear family and all kids bio.  He is choosing the way he is treating those around him. 

The problem with your SDs is probably multi-fold.  First, they have the conflict with their dad, who also facilitated hiding information from BM that led to conflict with her.  Second, they have the conflict with BM, which in all liklihood probably got blamed on you.  You planned and paid for the trip, after all.  Kids caught in the middle of warring BPs and SPs pick sides.  They chose a side, and it's not yours.  There's probably a lot more manipulation going on there than you're even aware of as it does sound as though the girls were/are playing BD and BM against one another.  That may even be a factor in how your DH is treating you and your son if ya'll are the scapegoats. 

maryal
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 12:29 PM

As for my husband paying for everything, i forgot to mention that the kids are BARELY here, girls at their moms, my son at my parents.  Before I got laid off, my entire check went into the joint account.  I paid for my school, not him, I pay for things for my son, not hiim, I pay for everything for myself and my son, not him.  

Oh I forgot to mention that he had me use a credit card for a summer course last year, told me he would pay and NEVER DID.  Ruined my credit.  When I found out and confronted him, he refused to talk.  When I lost my job he blamed me and broke things in the house shouting like an a$$ that he is.  

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 12:41 PM

So he's not a partner. Like I said above:  I'd hang in there until graduation, get a job, and move out.

You, and not he, are responsible for your credit though.  That completely stinks if he took the bill, promised to pay it, and then didn't.  But one bill typically isn't sufficient to sink a credit score.  One damaging lie atop a string of temper tantrums and controlling tendencies, however, can sink a marriage. 


Quoting maryal:

As for my husband paying for everything, i forgot to mention that the kids are BARELY here, girls at their moms, my son at my parents.  Before I got laid off, my entire check went into the joint account.  I paid for my school, not him, I pay for things for my son, not hiim, I pay for everything for myself and my son, not him.  

Oh I forgot to mention that he had me use a credit card for a summer course last year, told me he would pay and NEVER DID.  Ruined my credit.  When I found out and confronted him, he refused to talk.  When I lost my job he blamed me and broke things in the house shouting like an a$$ that he is.  


 

jazzymom760
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't like your DH. He sounds very closed minded and very much married to himself.

Much like my SO...such jackasseseses

It only seems to be a team effort when it's beneficial to them. Ugh

lnr187
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 6:54 PM

 this. i think you and dh need some counseling. that will help you 2 communicate better and gain some understanding as to why each other feels the way you  do. i would recommend doing this soon before it really comes between you. sd's are already out of the house, you don't want it to push your son away too.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 Well, I can sort of see your DH's point about SOME of the money stuff.  For a few years now he's been covering all the bills and household expenses while the only money you bring in, babysitting, goes just to your college and you're holding on to CS for son specific stuff rather than using some of it to offset the cost of your child's expenses in your home.  Therefore, why shouldn't the money he earns be considered HIS money to do whatever he wants with?  Why shouldn't he feel entitled to give it to his daughter rather than letting you spend it since you're not sharing any of your funds?  So...  from that perspective, I can get why he might feel the way he does about the finances. 

 

 BUT - given the history of the situation, I think he's probably way more of an ass about this than he has to be, and it's that kind of asshole behavior that is driving everyone away.  Your DH might be giving SD money, but he's probably also giving her a lot of grief judging by the way he's treated you about the finance things.  None of that will make his kids want to come around, and since he doesn't seem to care that they don't, why would they subject themselves to him? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 11:40 PM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like your grown adult SDs have had it with their father just the same as you have and unfortunately, you are getting hurt by it.
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