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Need help on "Growing Up"

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 150 Replies

My H has a wierd visitation schedual and it is coming that time of year were SD will be here for 2 and 1/2 months for the summer.  Every year at this time it get stressed out and this year is worse due to my H and I going threw our first IVF cycle.  

BM and I have a bad history as in every thing i say or do is wrong and "I am out to piss her off"  I have tryed talking to her, working with her, and so on and so forth and have came up always the bad guy.  So for this summers visit I need to do something different.  In the past since I am a stay at home mom I care for SD while my husband works 12 hrs a day.  BM knows his work schedual and always calls, text blows up my phone all day long when she knows it is just SD and I.  I have in the past always catered to her because I have not had to share my son with anyone so I'm sure it is hard on her to have her most of the time and than gone for so long at once.  It is very hard on me I will be going threw our day doing what every were doing and than the phone rings and I am expected to drop everything so SD can "talk" to her BM.  She is only 4 so talking on the phone is not really what happens.  I feel its calling to disrupt our day because she knows that she can and schould call when DH is home.  I would send her pictures almost daily also and keep her updated on what was going on.  

Last summer BM and I talked about how when SD is with her she refuses to let SD call us, does not send pics, does not respond to text when it pertains SD basicly pretends that we do not exsist except for Sunday after noon when my husband can call SD or when she wants something or needs something from DH.  She said she seen that I go out of my way to help her get threw the seperation with her daughter.  Once SD went back to BM same thing no calls no text no pics.  

So I need help!  I spent last summer trying to make sure my son was handeling her okay, that my husband was happy, that BM was happy, and SD was happy and felt at home.  I can't do that this summer.  Is it wrong to make her use only my husbands phone.  To only call on the appointed day that she has set for DH, to set the same standards for her as she has set for him??  We have been married and together for all her life and I have made my mistakes as a new step mom at the time and have tryed without success to help BM get threw her time away from her daughter.  How can i be strong enough to ignor her calls and text and not deal with BM this summer.  I cant continue to play her games but do not want to make things worse.  I in a way want to show her what she does to my husband by the way she acts by treating her the same way.  But most importantly If you can not respect me enough after over 5 yrs to respond to a text or send a pic why do i feel like i HAVE to?  What do i do?  

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
shanlee42
by Silver Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:25 PM
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Mom should follow the same calling schedule as dad and she should be calling dad with questions. I do believe she should have your pho E number for emergencies if you do not have a house phone.
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tasangel01
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:32 PM
I can definitely relate to everything you have said. Bm doesn't ever call my phone, she knows to call dh. Also, do they have in the co that she is only allowed to talk on that day or is that what bm picked out? She sounds very controlling and you sound like you are trying hard but bm isn't trying on her part. I wouldn't cater to someone who doesn't cater to me. But then again I'm a Christian and as much as i like to be vengeful, i don't. Dh bm never allows us telephone access but complains that we don't call enough. I feel your pain though. Don't fight fire with fire. Kill her with kindness and allow karma or god to handle her. That's my advice.

Not trying to go all religious on ya, but I too got tried of trying to be nice to someone that will never be nice to me and i except that.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:36 PM
  • That is the schedual she set up for calling.  
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:39 PM

What time each day should BM be calling if your husband works 12 hour days?

We're talking about a 4 year old who is separated from her mom for 2 1/2 months. Mom should be able to call and speak to her once a day, regardless of who's phone she has to call to speak to her daughter. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:42 PM
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Block her number. Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not send pics. Let your DH handle BM. Let DH allow or not allow BM to have contact with SD. As long as he is following the custody order, it doesn't matter. You just enjoy your summer!
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:49 PM

Also I do try but i am not perfect in this situation.  BM on many occasions has brought out the devil in me and I always hate myself after words.  I mostly feel bad for her but at the same time I feel worse for my husband who has sacrificed so much for his daughter and only  96 days a yr to see her and that is if it is not a deployment year.  If he is deployed for a yr she refused to give him any make up time and the courts said that was okay.  When we had her for Christmas this yr we were in there state so she went back and forth from our home to her moms and when she came back the things she said that could only come from an adult makes it even harder for me to even want to try with her anymore.  The only she is doing is putting a wedge between her daughter and I and that only makes it harder on SD.  I never speak ill of her mother around her I truly wish she would do the same for me.  The older SD gets the more the little comments effect her.  She dosnt know why her mom dosnt like me but she knows she dosnt so it is making it harder when she talks to her all the time.  She would tell her daughter about all the things she was missing out on by being here, she makes being here sound more like a punishment.  She had my SD in tears because she missed going to the beach with BM BF and BF daughters came to visit so you missed that its almost crule.  Then SD is upset and wants to go home because shes missing fun stuff with BM.  Its like she wants her to be miserable here.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:51 PM

She can call when he gets home from work at 5 pm and she knows that.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 16, 2013 at 10:58 PM
3 moms liked this

Than shouldnt the same go for DH shouldnt he be able to call daily and speak to her?  The 2 and 1/2 months is BM choice.  She didnt want to spend the extra money to send her at the other schedualed times so she has her come for a long trip.  If it wasnt for the court order that he fought over 2 yrs to get he would never get to see SD because BM thinks of her as a possesion that is soly hers.  I dont think you have ever been in a situation like this if you think its okay for a BM to call SM phone daily and never call DH phone.  And no mother who loves her child that much is going to call just to upset them by telling them all the things they dont get to do because there stuck at dads.

jessesbride
by on Apr. 16, 2013 at 11:11 PM

She should not have your number... If she wants to talk to her daughter, she needs to contact her daughter's father... Not you. BLOCK HER NUMBER!!!! They are making you responsible for the stuffTHEY should be responsible for. Once or twice a week is one thing, more than that is stalking!!!

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 16, 2013 at 11:13 PM
1 mom liked this

My son goes to my aunt's house every summer for a week. I call him every day before bed, and usually at least 3-4 other times during his visit. He's 10. I couldn't imagine being separated from my child for 2 1/2 months and to not be allowed contact with her simply because her step-mom didn't want to deal with me.

Guess what? You knew he had a kid when you married him, that meant that you'd have to deal with BM at some point. It's ridiculous to put restrictions on when and how she can contact her 4 year old, especially when the kid is going to be gone for 2 1/2 months.

I think you need to just suck it up and let BM talk to her daughter. When the phone rings and her number pops up, accept the call and give it to SD, you don't even need to say hello. When SD is done, she'll give you the phone and you hang up. The end. 

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