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SD upset with BM

Posted by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 8:33 PM
  • 13 Replies

SD is 12, almost 13, but developmentally about 6-9 depending on the skill. Socially/emotionally she's about 6-7ish. BM is CO'ed EOWE but only takes one visit a month, anywhere from a few hours to a full weekend. She lives 5 miles away.

SD keeps coming to me and talking about how she's upse with BM for not wanting to spend time with her. I keep encouraging SD to talk to BM or to her counselor about it. SD says she's scared to talk to BM because when she does BM just yells at her about how busy she is. SD spent 4 days away on Spring break. BM dropped SD off with BM's mom on Wednesday and then came back Friday night. BM went out Friday night, slept all day Saturday, went out Saturday night, slept most of Sunday, and then drove SD the 4 hours back to our city.

SD also said she's nervous to talk to the counselor about it because she doesn't want Miss J to think BM is a bad mom. Apparently BM's mom calls BM a bad mom for not spending time with SD, neither DH or I have EVER called BM a bad mom to or around SD, not even around our other kids. I said so in here, and he and I have had conversations about BM away from the house (we're always really worried about SD accidentally over hearing something so we don't talk about anything at home).

I don't know what to say or do to help SD. I'm here to talk to any time she needs me, but nothing gets solved. Every weekend we go through the same issues. SD gets upset because DH and I do things with the kids and it reminds her how BM doesn't; or it's BM's weekend but BM didn't want to take SD; or it's BM's weekend and SD got pawned off to BM's mom...

I tell SD that nothing SD can or can't do effects the choices BM makes, and that it's not SD's fault. But, she still REALLY wants to spend time with her mom. Any time DH has mentioned anything to BM about it she's accused him of lying and just making it up. I just spend 30 minutes comforting SD because BM hasn't had any contact with her since the 7th and doesn't plan to see her at all until Mother's day weekend.

Suggestions, advice, anything to help SD? 

by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 8:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
DestinyRoseLC
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 8:46 PM
Has dh addressed bm about this?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 8:50 PM

Yes. She just claims his lying and making things up. SD isn't upset, and BM can't possibly take SD more than she does because 1. she works and goes to school and 2. she doesn't have any room for SD at her apartment (BM lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with a guy and his 2 daughters and they don't have room for SD).

BM only takes SD up to visit BM's mom, at which point BM just drops SD off with grandma and goes out Friday and Saturday nights. 


Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

Has dh addressed bm about this?



DestinyRoseLC
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 8:55 PM
I'm sorry to say but bm then should not be in the picture, she is causing emotional distress on the child.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Yes. She just claims his lying and making things up. SD isn't upset, and BM can't possibly take SD more than she does because 1. she works and goes to school and 2. she doesn't have any room for SD at her apartment (BM lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with a guy and his 2 daughters and they don't have room for SD).

BM only takes SD up to visit BM's mom, at which point BM just drops SD off with grandma and goes out Friday and Saturday nights. 



Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

Has dh addressed bm about this?




Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 9:17 PM

I agree. unfortunately, it's impossible to prove. SD won't talk to her counselor about it, and it would be nearly impossible to get her to speak to a judge about it due to her disabilities.


Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

I'm sorry to say but bm then should not be in the picture, she is causing emotional distress on the child.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Yes. She just claims his lying and making things up. SD isn't upset, and BM can't possibly take SD more than she does because 1. she works and goes to school and 2. she doesn't have any room for SD at her apartment (BM lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with a guy and his 2 daughters and they don't have room for SD).

BM only takes SD up to visit BM's mom, at which point BM just drops SD off with grandma and goes out Friday and Saturday nights. 



Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

Has dh addressed bm about this?






jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 9:42 PM

Would the counselor think BM was a 'bad mom' if SD shared her feelings with her?  Is that the purpose of SD having the counselor?  Or is the counselor there to help SD deal with things in life, anything in life? 

I ask because, years ago I let ODS (now 14, then he was about 9) go to a counselor to talk about things that were bothering him, mostly BF and SM but other things too. He went 3 or 4 times, that's all he needed, but one of the reasons he hesitated going was because he was afraid that the counselor would not let him keep seeing BF if he complained about him.  I explained (over and over until he believed me I guess LOL) that the counselor would ONLY keep him from seeing BF if he told the counselor BF had done something horrible (he knew what that was, abuse of some sort, which BF has never and wouldn't do, at least not the sort to get his rights taken away.  Only 'abuse' would be possible neglect, but it's emotional, not physical, so that wouldn't happen).  I told him that the counselors job was to help DS, age appropriately, and give him tools to help himself (and not rely on the doctor to tell him what to do).  That's just what the counselor did.  He talked to DS, explained that he (DS) couldn't change BF or SM, but he would and did give DS tools to help him deal with the issues he had with BF and SM.  Some of those DS still uses today.  Some he's taught to his younger brother too.  YDS10 has asked to go see this same counselor too, for other issues.  I need to make that appt. 

You said SD is developmentally lower than her age but could you explain to her (if it's the truth for her too) that the counselor would NOT think of her BM as a 'bad mom' but that maybe she could give her new 'tools' to help her deal with her BM or how to talk to her differently (that was one thing the counselor helped ODS do, how to change his words to say the same thing he felt but say it in such a way that his BF wouldn't immediately cut him off, or cry, but would actually listen. 

BF in my situation likes to say he's 'there' for his boys but both boys know (they aren't stupid, they can see what's happening) that BF may be physically 'there' under the same roof, but he's rarely in the same room with them, and if they complain about not having time with him, he literally breaks down in tears, tells them they must not love him (they do), and they are mean to him for saying such things.  So, neither boy tries to talk to BF anymore but both boys try anything they can think of to not go overnight with BF.  I stay out of it.  If they talk to BF and he allows them not to go, that's between them.  If they try and he says they must go, that's between them. 

Other than this, I'd just keep doing what you/BF are doing.  I'm hoping BF talks to his DD too, and reassures her of the same things you do.  If not, BF should start.   Can BF speak to his GM to see if she'll stop using negative words about BM while his DD is there?  Maybe she doesn't realize she's saying/doing it? I get being angry with your adult child but you still can't say such things (or shouldn't) around smaller children.  

DestinyRoseLC
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 9:49 PM
Diary? Emotion journal?

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I agree. unfortunately, it's impossible to prove. SD won't talk to her counselor about it, and it would be nearly impossible to get her to speak to a judge about it due to her disabilities.



Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

I'm sorry to say but bm then should not be in the picture, she is causing emotional distress on the child.



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Yes. She just claims his lying and making things up. SD isn't upset, and BM can't possibly take SD more than she does because 1. she works and goes to school and 2. she doesn't have any room for SD at her apartment (BM lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with a guy and his 2 daughters and they don't have room for SD).

BM only takes SD up to visit BM's mom, at which point BM just drops SD off with grandma and goes out Friday and Saturday nights. 




Quoting DestinyRoseLC:

Has dh addressed bm about this?








Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2013 at 9:51 PM

Yea, DH talks with SD about it as well.

The goal of counseling was originally to help SD deal with all the drama at BM's. Our goal isn't revoking BM's visitations, however, we would like to change the CO so that BM cannot take her visits out of town simply because BM uses those times to cheat on her boyfriend that she lives with. SD comes home with stories about BM's old boyfriend "sleeping with BM", SD doesn't like this guy because he used to drink until he punched walls and made BM cry.

SD goes every week for an hour and has been for about 3 1/2 months. 

BM's mom isn't going to listen to anything DH says :( she desipses DH. She's one of those woman who just HATES men. Her husband left her and remarried and she was AWFUL, she refused to let BM or her sister see their father, she made his life awful until he decided it just wasn't worth dealing with her to see his kids. BM tried to do the same to DH. (That is all stuff that DH has said about BM, but BM has admitted to me that she hates her father and she'd prefer if her dad or SM ever contacted us that we not allow contact between them and SD).

I was really hoping that someone would have advice on how to help SD, something that would help her feel better.

Quoting jules2boys:

Would the counselor think BM was a 'bad mom' if SD shared her feelings with her?  Is that the purpose of SD having the counselor?  Or is the counselor there to help SD deal with things in life, anything in life? 

I ask because, years ago I let ODS (now 14, then he was about 9) go to a counselor to talk about things that were bothering him, mostly BF and SM but other things too. He went 3 or 4 times, that's all he needed, but one of the reasons he hesitated going was because he was afraid that the counselor would not let him keep seeing BF if he complained about him.  I explained (over and over until he believed me I guess LOL) that the counselor would ONLY keep him from seeing BF if he told the counselor BF had done something horrible (he knew what that was, abuse of some sort, which BF has never and wouldn't do, at least not the sort to get his rights taken away.  Only 'abuse' would be possible neglect, but it's emotional, not physical, so that wouldn't happen).  I told him that the counselors job was to help DS, age appropriately, and give him tools to help himself (and not rely on the doctor to tell him what to do).  That's just what the counselor did.  He talked to DS, explained that he (DS) couldn't change BF or SM, but he would and did give DS tools to help him deal with the issues he had with BF and SM.  Some of those DS still uses today.  Some he's taught to his younger brother too.  YDS10 has asked to go see this same counselor too, for other issues.  I need to make that appt. 

You said SD is developmentally lower than her age but could you explain to her (if it's the truth for her too) that the counselor would NOT think of her BM as a 'bad mom' but that maybe she could give her new 'tools' to help her deal with her BM or how to talk to her differently (that was one thing the counselor helped ODS do, how to change his words to say the same thing he felt but say it in such a way that his BF wouldn't immediately cut him off, or cry, but would actually listen. 

BF in my situation likes to say he's 'there' for his boys but both boys know (they aren't stupid, they can see what's happening) that BF may be physically 'there' under the same roof, but he's rarely in the same room with them, and if they complain about not having time with him, he literally breaks down in tears, tells them they must not love him (they do), and they are mean to him for saying such things.  So, neither boy tries to talk to BF anymore but both boys try anything they can think of to not go overnight with BF.  I stay out of it.  If they talk to BF and he allows them not to go, that's between them.  If they try and he says they must go, that's between them. 

Other than this, I'd just keep doing what you/BF are doing.  I'm hoping BF talks to his DD too, and reassures her of the same things you do.  If not, BF should start.   Can BF speak to his GM to see if she'll stop using negative words about BM while his DD is there?  Maybe she doesn't realize she's saying/doing it? I get being angry with your adult child but you still can't say such things (or shouldn't) around smaller children.  



DestinyRoseLC
by on Apr. 17, 2013 at 10:10 PM
Well hun the problem is she is not going to be able to feel better because she is being subjected to the problem often. I honestly am not sure what to tell you. All I know is if that if I was you or dh I would record sd talking about bm. She doesn't need to know you are recording her. I would present it to the judge and ask for supervised visitation.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Yea, DH talks with SD about it as well.

The goal of counseling was originally to help SD deal with all the drama at BM's. Our goal isn't revoking BM's visitations, however, we would like to change the CO so that BM cannot take her visits out of town simply because BM uses those times to cheat on her boyfriend that she lives with. SD comes home with stories about BM's old boyfriend "sleeping with BM", SD doesn't like this guy because he used to drink until he punched walls and made BM cry.

SD goes every week for an hour and has been for about 3 1/2 months. 

BM's mom isn't going to listen to anything DH says :( she desipses DH. She's one of those woman who just HATES men. Her husband left her and remarried and she was AWFUL, she refused to let BM or her sister see their father, she made his life awful until he decided it just wasn't worth dealing with her to see his kids. BM tried to do the same to DH. (That is all stuff that DH has said about BM, but BM has admitted to me that she hates her father and she'd prefer if her dad or SM ever contacted us that we not allow contact between them and SD).

I was really hoping that someone would have advice on how to help SD, something that would help her feel better.


Quoting jules2boys:

Would the counselor think BM was a 'bad mom' if SD shared her feelings with her?  Is that the purpose of SD having the counselor?  Or is the counselor there to help SD deal with things in life, anything in life? 

I ask because, years ago I let ODS (now 14, then he was about 9) go to a counselor to talk about things that were bothering him, mostly BF and SM but other things too. He went 3 or 4 times, that's all he needed, but one of the reasons he hesitated going was because he was afraid that the counselor would not let him keep seeing BF if he complained about him.  I explained (over and over until he believed me I guess LOL) that the counselor would ONLY keep him from seeing BF if he told the counselor BF had done something horrible (he knew what that was, abuse of some sort, which BF has never and wouldn't do, at least not the sort to get his rights taken away.  Only 'abuse' would be possible neglect, but it's emotional, not physical, so that wouldn't happen).  I told him that the counselors job was to help DS, age appropriately, and give him tools to help himself (and not rely on the doctor to tell him what to do).  That's just what the counselor did.  He talked to DS, explained that he (DS) couldn't change BF or SM, but he would and did give DS tools to help him deal with the issues he had with BF and SM.  Some of those DS still uses today.  Some he's taught to his younger brother too.  YDS10 has asked to go see this same counselor too, for other issues.  I need to make that appt. 

You said SD is developmentally lower than her age but could you explain to her (if it's the truth for her too) that the counselor would NOT think of her BM as a 'bad mom' but that maybe she could give her new 'tools' to help her deal with her BM or how to talk to her differently (that was one thing the counselor helped ODS do, how to change his words to say the same thing he felt but say it in such a way that his BF wouldn't immediately cut him off, or cry, but would actually listen. 

BF in my situation likes to say he's 'there' for his boys but both boys know (they aren't stupid, they can see what's happening) that BF may be physically 'there' under the same roof, but he's rarely in the same room with them, and if they complain about not having time with him, he literally breaks down in tears, tells them they must not love him (they do), and they are mean to him for saying such things.  So, neither boy tries to talk to BF anymore but both boys try anything they can think of to not go overnight with BF.  I stay out of it.  If they talk to BF and he allows them not to go, that's between them.  If they try and he says they must go, that's between them. 

Other than this, I'd just keep doing what you/BF are doing.  I'm hoping BF talks to his DD too, and reassures her of the same things you do.  If not, BF should start.   Can BF speak to his GM to see if she'll stop using negative words about BM while his DD is there?  Maybe she doesn't realize she's saying/doing it? I get being angry with your adult child but you still can't say such things (or shouldn't) around smaller children.  




Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:58 PM

The developmental delays are what seems to be the most difficult to offer suggestions though.  At least for me to offer suggestions.  What an awful way to choose to live (SD's GM I mean).  :( 

Can you or DH talk to the counselor and give him/her a heads up on what's bothering SD, maybe the counselor can bring it up to her so they can discuss it, instead of waiting for SD to bring it up herself?  The counselor can assure her that she's not trying to get BM 'into trouble' or make her be a 'bad mom', she's just trying to help SD. 

mz_erica03
by Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 2:21 PM

Have you and DH talked to SD's counselor?

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