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How to deal with the emotions a SD brings when the BM creates such negativity?

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:36 AM
  • 27 Replies


     I have a SD who is a lot of fun. She Unfortunately  is going through a complicated time due to some transitions we all are facing. Her BM is having a difficult time adjusting that I’m in the picture and unfortunately guilt’s this beautiful child in finding comfort with me. My SD is also adjusting but it seems like she has grown to have beautiful feelings for me; as mine have quickly grown for her! Sadly her BM is quick to stop and diminish any of those feelings directed to me from my SD. I know with time this will be easier but at this time its hard on me only because I have grown to care so much for my SD, That I find it unsettling that her BM can cause such cruel feelings in her and create a false sense of normality in all the negative emotions she creates in her childhood.


 But this magnificent little girl is nothing short of magnificent she teaches me a lot and she sure can handle a whole lot. I know things will get better for her as she’s able to recognize between positive and negative behavior. BUT until then how do I hold it together with out feeling resentful and lost in this mix of emotions. 

any suggestions ??

Thanks!!  By the way this is my 1st time writing on this post !! Just reading the posts and advice many have posted, gave me the courage to voice myself!

by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:40 AM
1 mom liked this
How long have you been in SD's life? The intensity of your feelings would alarm many BMs if it hasn't been a substantial time - like years.
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Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:42 AM

How old is SD?  And can you be a little more specific?  In other words, what is BM doing or saying that is causing the trouble?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:43 AM
I had similar issues with my ss. To give you an example, I walk to the school to get ss on the days we have him. I also walk up to the school on days I don't have ss to help neighbors get their kids back home. Ss has old me that he will try to roll down the window and wave to me when he sees me and his mom puts the window lock on and tells him not to roll down the window. In 5 years I've spoken to her 5 times.
All of this occurs in front of ss:
1) walked into a restaurant with dh and her and ss happened to be there, she stopped ss from coming up to us and came up to me and said "hope he doesn't treat you like this one day" (she forgot to pick up ss from school on an early release day and dh freaked out on her)
2) dh text her and said to pick ss up from grandmas house, she came to our door and said "you need to tell him he can't text me, he needs to call me" I just said ok and shut the door
3) she came up and said congratulations.. And to this day I have no idea why
4) she will never look my way.... Ever.
5) she's spread rumors around about us.. Wanting to put our son up for adoption (when he was still in the womb) and ss got wind of it and asked us not to.
There are so many more.
As long as your sd knows not to let those things get to her unfortunately there is nothing you can do! Just keep being the person you are to her and she will be fine :)
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 11:43 AM

can you give any example? Why do you think your SD's mother is trying to stop her from having feelings for you?

How often do you see SD? who has custody?

Goldenlight
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:37 PM

I have been in her life for over one year now! 

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:41 PM
You sound creepy for only having known her a year... Are you married to dad?
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yryssa1
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 12:46 PM
1 mom liked this

One thing that I always have to tell myself is, as long and me and my DH show his kids how much we love them and how important they are to us, they will eventually learn on their own how their BM's negativity is not because of them but because she is insecure about herself. In the meantime the negativity impacts us greatly...but take it one day at a time...keep repeating that :-) 

Goldenlight
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:14 PM

where to start: 

she has nothing positive to say about me and especially my partner. ( well lets be fair i have nothing positive to say about her but i NEVER and WOULD NEVER verbalize it to my SD.

the BM has had a child endangerment case due to her uncontrollable rages; example she crashed her car purposely into my partners car repeatedly over and over until the police got there. Did i Mention my SD was in the car with her and experienced all of this. ( so now my SD gets fearful to be in cars if she feels were are going too fast like on the highways. :/ this happened about 2yrs ago and my partner thought this was only an episode and due to the consequences the BM faced ( NO JAIL TIME) she would have learned to control her self ( NOT THE CASE) 

My SD comes every Thursday and stays with us every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend of the Month. her BM drills her integration style to find out everything she did when she's with us and if there's anything she doesn't approve of she immediately picks up the phone and starts sending text and calling my partner to vocalize her disapproval. ( she will find anything reason to text or call my partner from the clothes shes wearing to why we took her to the Movies etc.

another example i can give you of the nonsense we all experience; any gift we give my SD for x-mas or birthday she will do the same. We got My SD a ferbie for xmas and allowed her to take it to her BM home since she really couldn't get her hands off of it. as soon as she got over there her BM texted my partner with a Picture of my SD and the Ferbie she had gone to go buy her. Caption on the photo was " Guess what ferbie she liked best" I mentioned to my SD a couple of weeks later if she would want to bring her Ferbie back since she has one at her BM home already. my SD said the Ferbie we gave her got cancer and DIED and had to be thrown away. ( I had no responds to that !!) I said ok and vented to my partner later that night.

we get harassed on a daily basis from BM even though we have court ordered restrictions that she is not to call or text ONLY on the Saturdays that my SD is with us at 4pm SHARP. (ONLY THEN) But that doesn't seem to phase her.

we take my SD to therapy every week to learn to cope with all this. But its extremely hard for me to feel as there's nothing i can do to help her. The more i attempt to get involved the more negative her BM reacts to the actions. 

My partner and i started going to visit my SD during lunch and by doing so we can make sure she's ok emotionally since her mother is  in a dysfunctional relationship (due to her rages) and my SD experiences all that 1st hand. SO every time we go have lunch with my SD we get texted after school saying we have no right to be there and since we didnt stop NOW shes going to have lunch with her. 

HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS? :/

Goldenlight
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:20 PM

yes I'm married to her dad. I'm sorry if i come off creepy to you ( but this child is one like all who needs alot of love since her BM has put her in some very unfortunate situations.) so unfortunate that her BM had charges put against her by the state for child endangerment. I hope this helps you understand why i care dearly about this child. 

Goldenlight
by on Apr. 18, 2013 at 1:27 PM

THANK YOU !!

Just knowing that i'm not alone and others have some what the same struggle and can still manage to function and create a great environment for these children brings me strength and happiness !

Thanks for your words they truly help!

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