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Can we talk about the GOOD relationships? How to make it work

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:26 AM
  • 30 Replies

I want to hear about the parts of step family life that are good.  Do you have a great relationship with your stepchildren?  A good raport with the ex/bm/sm/sf?  How did you get there and what do you think makes it work?

I have a great relationship with bm.  I consider her my friend.  It wasn't always that way, we have been through a lot to get here, so I'm interested to hear how others did it, and are you happier now?

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:26 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jlg12678
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:48 AM
1 mom liked this

I have a very good coparenting relationship with my ex and his wife....always have.  We have no drama and everyone gets along and works together.

Why are things so easy? I remarried prior to my ex remarrying. I have had no positive experiences dealing with my dh's ex as her behavior as an exwife and bm has always been ridiculous and dramatic and selfish. I took all the shitty behavior she gave and continues to give and use it as examples of how NOT to behave as a bm.  It works well.

 

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:51 AM
2 moms liked this

And it's nice to hear of someone else who has a positive experience in blended family life.  :)

shanlee42
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:59 AM
I have a great relationship with my SS. BM and I are polite to one another but not friends. I'm okay with that but wish we could all do things together like joint bday parties for SS; maybe some day!

I think we work well because the parents handle everything about SS amongst themselves. Dad may ask me for opinions but he hashes everything out with mom directly.
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packermomof2
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:03 AM

My husband and kids have a great relationship.  He started slow, no pushing himself into a parent role, no "my house, my rules" - he earned their trust and a lot more respect than if he had been pushy.

I don't talk to my ex and I never dealt with his wife. 

1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:10 AM


Quoting peregrinus:

I want to hear about the parts of step family life that are good.  Do you have a great relationship with your stepchildren? Yes  A good raport with the ex/bm/sm/sf? Not really  How did you get there and what do you think makes it work? 
With SKs - being there day-in and day-out for over 7 1/2 years. Wiping tears, changing diapers, teaching, cuddling, and simply taking care of them. When BM came back into the picture of life - encouraging their relationship with their Mother, not allowing them to talk badly about her behind her back, not reacting when she'd say nasty/mean things about me or their dad to them (just blowing it off and showing them that words mean nothing)... 
With BM - there was a time... long ago... Now she is being Mom full-time to SKs and is happy. They're all happy. 

I have a great relationship with bm.  I consider her my friend.  It wasn't always that way, we have been through a lot to get here, so I'm interested to hear how others did it, and are you happier now?

In all honesty: I'd be 110% happier if shady things didn't happen along the way of the custody battle. I'd be happier if my DSKs would have told the truth and not lied. I'd be happier if DH were happier. 

"Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human." ~Viktor Frankl~
kristinbugg
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:11 AM

I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.

My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".

I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:16 AM

I have a really great relationship with both SKs.  The credit for that mostly goes to my DH.  He has always had my back and upheld my role in the family.  Second to that, I think it helped to identifiy myself distinctly as SM, openly dismissing all the mom comments with light-hearted responses (i.e, "Of course, I'm not your mom!  I'm your stepmonster!"), such that the kids never felt I was making them choose between us.  That's easier said than done with my older SK, who at times has wanted me to be her mom.

The relationship with BM is okay, if only because it's non-existent.  It is not possible to have a productive relationship with her or enjoy a friendship due to the hostility she continues to harbor toward DH.  Everything is a competition to her (her vs. him, her vs. me, her vs. the world...), and for whatever reason, she seems to think I call all the shots.  She is usually pretty good about apologizing to DH for flying off the handle and acting like a lunatic.  For the most part, he doesn't engage in communication unless she's playing nice, so they manage to co-parent fairly well over bigger issues that arise.  I try to stay completely off her radar, which does help by giving her less to bitch about and fewer targets.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:44 AM
My husband and my children have an excellent relationship. He meshed in to our already made family. He did it slowly and on their terms. He let them take the lead on the relationship and what they wanted from it. He isn't like a father to dd. he has adopted Ds so he is his father now. But he is more like a friend, fun uncle to dd and that seems to work very well for them. They spend a lot of time together and do fun things together. She goes to him for homework help and for advice. They are pretty close. He didn't come in with any expectations or wanting to change the way we do things. He observed our lives and how we already were doing things and from that decided if he could live with us and mesh well. He integrated in to us instead of the other way around.

I don't have a good relationship with my ex. There is just still a lot of anger on his side and he doesn't seem to have resolved any of his bad feelings. I try to get along and I really try not to cause any drama or hardships. I offer lots of olive branches. He is just very angry.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:47 AM
This is how I feel about my sister. She had a pretty rough childhood and a lot of her bad decisions are based on her past and things she went through. Her daddy complex. I used to feel so annoyed by her and I think I might have even hated her. But now that I kind of look at her life in a different way, take in to consideration what she has been through and why she is the way she is, has actually brought us closer and I don't have those ill and negative feelings towards her anymore. Yes she needs to take responsibility for her own life but just understanding her struggles and being empathetic to her, has helped so much. She isn't a great mom but she is the best mom she can be.


Quoting kristinbugg:

I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.


My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".


I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.


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viv212
by Bronze Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 11:48 AM
This exactly.
I don't overstep with BM and respect the co-parenting relationship between my boyfriend and his kids' mom. We all understand our roles and positions.


Quoting shanlee42:

I have a great relationship with my SS. BM and I are polite to one another but not friends. I'm okay with that but wish we could all do things together like joint bday parties for SS; maybe some day!



I think we work went because the parents handle everything about SS amongst themselves. Dad may ask me for opinions but he hashes everything out with mom directly.
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