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Can we talk about the GOOD relationships? How to make it work

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I want to hear about the parts of step family life that are good.  Do you have a great relationship with your stepchildren?  A good raport with the ex/bm/sm/sf?  How did you get there and what do you think makes it work?

I have a great relationship with bm.  I consider her my friend.  It wasn't always that way, we have been through a lot to get here, so I'm interested to hear how others did it, and are you happier now?

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 10:26 AM
Replies (21-30):
lnr187
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:02 AM

 i have an amazing realtionship with my ss. we're civil with bm and sf for ss sake, but in reality we all hate each other. things have gotten pretty bad a few times in the past and ss saw/heard things he shouldn't have. we try to keep things calm but can only control our own actions, not theirs.

CodeBlue
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:11 AM
2 moms liked this
I think that figuring out your role is one of the biggest challenges as a SM.

I remember the first time I ever went with DF to drop off the kids (they were 2 and 3), it was a huge thunderstorm. I mean pouring rain, stand outside for 2 seconds and you're soaked kinda rain.
So DF had 2 kids to carry in, 2 Carseats, a suitcase, blankies, toys...all of the little things that come with toddlers. And I thought "oh, BM isn't home (dropping them off w grandma who wouldn't be coming outside to help), I will help carry their stuff inside."
Big mistake. I carried some of their stuff inside, dropped it on the landing, don't think I even set foot inside the house, and then waited in the truck while DF spoke with grandma, but man alive you would have thought that I had strolled right in and made myself at home.

Grandma called BM and within 2 minutes of leaving, DF's phone was text bombed about how I was disrespectful to come into her home, and a lot of name calling and nastiness.

What she said wasnt true, and there was nothing wrong with me wanting my honey to have to make less trips in the weather, but it so obviously irritated BM that I never got out of the truck again when we did PU or DO.

The biggest lesson I learned from being involved with a dad is that there is a line between letting someone dictate your actions (ie BM saying that SM can't even come along to PU/DO) and not doing something because it will be less stress and drama for yourself. And if you're like me, it's difficult to learn this lesson - it's a pride thing: I'm grown and no one is going to control what I do, especially if my DF wants me there... But some "battles" are not worth it. I changed my entire thinking around... I am making the decision to do this, instead of that - not because BM told me too - but because my peace of mind and bullshit tolerance just isn't going to deal w the after effects.
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Giver222
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:23 AM
In the beginning I reached out to BM via email. The lets do coffee email, oh brother ... I learned very quickly that you can't be the mender in a blended family. Sometimes it's hard to comprehend what DH and Bm had marriage wise. I have heard my DH side and I also have heard BM's side. I don't care about either side because there marriage is in the past. BM in the early stages wanted me to feel sorry for how my DH treated her in the marriage. He worked she stayed home. There was no abuse. They grew apart from eachother. The good thing is I met BM when she had a boyfriend ... She had my DH replaced fairly quickly. Unfortunately that relationship didn't last !! In the past I felt it was my duty to protect DH from her evil, conniving ways. But I realized that he can draw strength from God. I don't have the power to help my DH heal from the ugly custody battle they had 4 years ago. He will never forgive her for being Momma bear. It's funny SOME Bms think the DH has nothing to do with creating a baby and that they arent capable of being a parent!! Overall I get along with her we have had dinner twice in the past. I married my DH not Bm. I respect her as Bm !! I will always be kind !! I don't get involved with decision making, that's not my job. I love my skids dearly !!


Quoting peregrinus:I want to hear about the parts of step family life that are good.  Do you have a great relationship with your stepchildren?  A good raport with the ex/bm/sm/sf?  How did you get there and what do you think makes it work?I have a great relationship with bm.  I consider her my friend.  It wasn't always that way, we have been through a lot to get here, so I'm interested to hear how others did it, and are you happier now?
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momma2zac2006
by Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:42 AM

I've been in my sd's life since the day she was born. She doesn't know any different so we have a good relationship. As with bm. Well, dh left her when she was pregnant and we got together shortly after (I've known him since I was 8) so at the first it was a LOT of drama. Fast forward we both wind up pregnant due a week and a half apart. About a month before the boys were born she writes me on facebook about how we need to work together and get along, etc. cause we are both about to have babies and so on. Things I've been saying since day 1 but I guess she finally wanted to believe it when she thought it was her idea? I just think she finally stopped listening to her mom (who hate me & dh) and realized even after all the shit she had put us through that year I was going no where and she misewell make the best of the situation. Are we best friends? Defiantly not. Can we civally talk? yes. Can she talk to me about step daughter and decisions with her? Sure! If something comes up on weekends it's me she talks to (DH works 12 hr shifts). I do all pick up & drop offs so we've learned to get along. It's better for sd to see everyone being civil in my opinion.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 11:17 AM

I have a wonderful relationship with my SS.  My goal at the beginning was simply to do the best I could to make sure that he always felt like he was a true part of this household and family, even when he wasnt here much.  I treated him exactly the same as I did my DD or any other child who was in my home (theres a lot in and out, we have a big extended family).  We developed a very strong bond, that has gotten even stronger since we gained sold custody last year.    When the GAL asked him about me, he said "Lucky is like a mom, except shes not really my mom, buut I love her like my mom.  she takes care of me and plays with me and I love her and my sissy" (DD is not bio related to him either).  I have always referred to myself as "lucky" to him, but I have told him from day one that he can call me whatever he is comfortable with.  usually its lucky, sometimes its luckymom, to his friends its "my mom", or "my other mom".  I leave that ball in his court.  

BM-no.  but shes not in our lives, so it doesnt matter really. 

kmur
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:28 PM

 

i take it that kristens skids bm is your sister?

Quoting momof2ex1:

This is how I feel about my sister. She had a pretty rough childhood and a lot of her bad decisions are based on her past and things she went through. Her daddy complex. I used to feel so annoyed by her and I think I might have even hated her. But now that I kind of look at her life in a different way, take in to consideration what she has been through and why she is the way she is, has actually brought us closer and I don't have those ill and negative feelings towards her anymore. Yes she needs to take responsibility for her own life but just understanding her struggles and being empathetic to her, has helped so much. She isn't a great mom but she is the best mom she can be.


Quoting kristinbugg:

I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.


My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".


I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.



 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Ummmmm ... Lol no I don't even know Kristinbugg. I was just saying that it is how I feel about MY sister. That I love her for who she is and accept her the way she is. Nothing to do with Kristin. Was just making conversation. Lol


Quoting kmur:

 


i take it that kristens skids bm is your sister?


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is how I feel about my sister. She had a pretty rough childhood and a lot of her bad decisions are based on her past and things she went through. Her daddy complex. I used to feel so annoyed by her and I think I might have even hated her. But now that I kind of look at her life in a different way, take in to consideration what she has been through and why she is the way she is, has actually brought us closer and I don't have those ill and negative feelings towards her anymore. Yes she needs to take responsibility for her own life but just understanding her struggles and being empathetic to her, has helped so much. She isn't a great mom but she is the best mom she can be.



Quoting kristinbugg:


I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.



My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".



I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.





 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
kmur
by Bronze Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:32 PM

 

lol, ok, sorry, i misunderstood...it kinda looked that way, again , im sorry i mis understood

Quoting momof2ex1:

Ummmmm ... Lol no I don't even know Kristinbugg. I was just saying that it is how I feel about MY sister. That I love her for who she is and accept her the way she is. Nothing to do with Kristin. Was just making conversation. Lol


Quoting kmur:

 


i take it that kristens skids bm is your sister?


Quoting momof2ex1:

This is how I feel about my sister. She had a pretty rough childhood and a lot of her bad decisions are based on her past and things she went through. Her daddy complex. I used to feel so annoyed by her and I think I might have even hated her. But now that I kind of look at her life in a different way, take in to consideration what she has been through and why she is the way she is, has actually brought us closer and I don't have those ill and negative feelings towards her anymore. Yes she needs to take responsibility for her own life but just understanding her struggles and being empathetic to her, has helped so much. She isn't a great mom but she is the best mom she can be.



Quoting kristinbugg:


I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.



My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".



I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.



 


 



 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:36 PM
No worries!!


Quoting kmur:

 


lol, ok, sorry, i misunderstood...it kinda looked that way, again , im sorry i mis understood


Quoting momof2ex1:

Ummmmm ... Lol no I don't even know Kristinbugg. I was just saying that it is how I feel about MY sister. That I love her for who she is and accept her the way she is. Nothing to do with Kristin. Was just making conversation. Lol



Quoting kmur:


 



i take it that kristens skids bm is your sister?



Quoting momof2ex1:

This is how I feel about my sister. She had a pretty rough childhood and a lot of her bad decisions are based on her past and things she went through. Her daddy complex. I used to feel so annoyed by her and I think I might have even hated her. But now that I kind of look at her life in a different way, take in to consideration what she has been through and why she is the way she is, has actually brought us closer and I don't have those ill and negative feelings towards her anymore. Yes she needs to take responsibility for her own life but just understanding her struggles and being empathetic to her, has helped so much. She isn't a great mom but she is the best mom she can be.




Quoting kristinbugg:



I have great relationships with both of my SDs.  My relationship with BM is better now than it has been in the past.  Of course, BM is in prison now.  However, BM is sober and isn't doing illegal drugs anymore, which I feel contributed to ALOT of the problems she had with DH & I.  BM has opened up alot to me about things that she's gone through, both as an adult and as a child.  I think this has helped me to feel empathy for her and i'm better able to understand some of the bad decisions she's made for herself.




My SDs understand that BM will ALWAYS be BM, even though my adoption of them will be final next month.  I don't force them to view me as "Mom" or any sort of mother figure.  As long as they have basic respect for me and for the rules of our home, i'm fine with however they want to view me.  YSD has recently started asking if it's okay to call me "Mom" or some variation of that.  I WAS on the fence about it, not knowing if BM would feel hurt or upset by it.  The last time we took the girls to visit, I discussed it with BM and she's okay with it, especially in light of the adoption.  So, I think we'll come up with a variation of "Mom".




I think having a good relationship with BM and SCs is all about respecting each other's feelings and remembering that, as SM, you are coming into an already established family and, instead of trying to change everything immediately, giving everyone involved time to adapt and grow into the situation.




 



 





 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 12:49 PM

I have a great relationship with SD, but she's just a great person who's really quite easy to get along with. She's kind, compassionate, and just an all around very sweet good person.

The relationship with BM... Not so much. We tolerate each other much better now. We can speak kindly to each other about SD's needs if/when necessary. However, I am cautious.

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