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Need advice on role as step mom

Posted by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:10 PM
  • 44 Replies

I will try to keep this short.  My DH travels for his job mainly in Spring and Summer so he has currently been out of town for two months coming home on the weekends he has his kids.  During the week I have my own schedule with my DD.  I am a substitute teacher and we both have activities such as girl scouts and I volunteer with my soccer region.  I share 50/50 custody with my ex.  We work out our differing schedules between each other.

My SK's BM works crazy hours as a hospice nurse.  She has made sure not to live close to us so to get to the sk's school, its about 45 minutes.  Each of the SK's are signed up for sports in their area.  She cannot seem to keep a babysitter. When my DH is in town, if he is asked at 3 o'clock to pick the kids up he does.  He is lucky enough to have a flexible schedule.  When he is out of town, am I expected to rearrange my schedule at the last minute to pick my SK's up from school when I get a text from DH at 5 o'clock asking if I can pick them up by 6 from after school care?  Remember the school is 45 minutes away.  Both my daughter and I were out sick that day and she missed her Girl Scouts meeting because of it.  I have been called 'a sorry SM' by BM and also a very 'unhelpful wife'.  There has been other times I could not pick them up and take them to two different locations for sports practices.  Am I responsible? 


Thanks in advance! First time asking advice here :-) 

I need to also add that my ex picks our DD up from my house on the evenings he has her. I do not feel I should change his schedule at the last minute.  

by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:10 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:16 PM
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Sounds like to me BM needs to get a better schedule together than just spring shit on u and or ur DH. U have responsibilities too. Sounds like BM is trying to find excuses to call u names bc she can't keep her shit straight. Sry, but I feel ur not responsible UNLESS ur DH is at fault. Which doesn't seem so.
yryssa1
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:27 PM
We have asked her to move closer so I could pick the kids up everyday and even keep them during the day for the summer. She says she is close enough. But now she is also threatening to move 6 hours away to 'get more help from friends'. We do everything we can to accommodate with our own schedules. We would be devastated if the kids moved :( btw she has no friends or family keeping her where she is at currently. We'd love for them to live closer. We'd love to have joint custody of them too like I do with mt ex.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:49 PM
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Um, no. You are under NO obligation to change your schedule around to accommodate BM being innresponsible and not planning a head. If she needs your help, she should be 1. ASKING nicely and 2. Giving you enough time so that you life isn't disrupted.

 

packermomof2
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this

You don't have to help her but you don't get to ask her to move closer to you.  You could move closer to her if moving was the big concern.  If dad wants to help her out, good for him, you're under no obligation.

yryssa1
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 3:03 PM
To defend her (did I just say that??), she never knows where she will be on a given day and can travel up to an hour away from her home. She of course lives in another county than her job is at. But in saying that, at the beginning of her day she knows where she will be but waits till last minute to ask. She never contacts me directly. That's fine with me.She has always said from the beginning (more than 3 years ago) that as a step mom I am obligated to help with the kids when they are with her. I tried in the beginning but just got tired of her always being late then bad talking me to my DH. I just flat out didn't want to help her anymore. Would I treat my DD's SM like that? No! my ex would have let me have it. Besides I would never do that.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Um, no. You are under NO obligation to change your schedule around to accommodate BM being innresponsible and not planning a head. If she needs your help, she should be 1. ASKING nicely and 2. Giving you enough time so that you life isn't disrupted.

 


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yryssa1
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 3:08 PM
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Out of curiosity, why is it bad for my DH to ask her to move closer? They both work in the same town and her family lives in other areas closer to where we live. If she plans on moving 6 hours away to 'get more help', then why not move into the town closest to us and closer to her job? She would then have unlimited help. Just seems simple to me but I'm a simple person I guess.


Quoting packermomof2:

You don't have to help her but you don't get to ask her to move closer to you.  You could move closer to her if moving was the big concern.  If dad wants to help her out, good for him, you're under no obligation.


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Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 3:48 PM

Unless YOU want to (and offer) you're under no obligation to help her.

I understand emergency situations once in awhile-but anything past that-I'm sure her and DH can handle.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 19, 2013 at 4:38 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting yryssa1:

When he is out of town, am I expected to rearrange my schedule at the last minute to pick my SK's up from school when I get a text from DH at 5 o'clock asking if I can pick them up by 6 from after school care?  

No. It's really as simple as saying no. 


yryssa1
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Simple for me but I hate it that it's not simple for my DH since he gets the bitch out via text :( I just need to learn to detach better. I'm working on it :)


Quoting whatIknownow:




Quoting yryssa1:

When he is out of town, am I expected to rearrange my schedule at the last minute to pick my SK's up from school when I get a text from DH at 5 o'clock asking if I can pick them up by 6 from after school care?  

No. It's really as simple as saying no. 




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DDDaysh
by on Apr. 19, 2013 at 5:14 PM
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 It's pretty easy to ignore getting bitched at over text.  I've done it quite frequently because of EC drama.   

And even easier for you, because he just doesn't need tot ell you about it! 

Quoting yryssa1:

Simple for me but I hate it that it's not simple for my DH since he gets the bitch out via text :( I just need to learn to detach better. I'm working on it :)


Quoting whatIknownow:

 

 


Quoting yryssa1:

When he is out of town, am I expected to rearrange my schedule at the last minute to pick my SK's up from school when I get a text from DH at 5 o'clock asking if I can pick them up by 6 from after school care?  

No. It's really as simple as saying no. 


 


 

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