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Stressed Out......

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM
  • 4 Replies

Need help understanding step children,

The dreadful words have never been spoken, yet! I have a feeling that it is nearing. The teen SS is challenging like to only think that it's his age and he is dealing with whatever is being dealt to him via BM on her visitations. I am not sure if it was said to test me or to irritate me, or what...the words "the reason I took to you so quickly was because you bought us legos".. UGH...right there my heart dropped, after 5 yrs. and thats what you took from me being there picking your father up from at first losing his kids to a manipulative BM and only wanted CS not giving two cents about the kids. May I mind you that when the kids get into trouble or need to talk they come to me. They text me more than their father and mother combined.

Blended Family atmosphere is somewhat decent, every dog has their days. I looked at him saying "Really", he chuckled a little and said "well yeah", I told him "I didn't buy your love, he said you basically did, I told him know and sorry he felt that way." Father recently had discussion about his I don't give a two cents attitude and then brought up over hearing what he had said to me and tried explaining he needs to comprehend people wanting to do things and buy him things because they care and its not a way to gain his love aspect. He told his father he was playing with me, which striked a whole new convo. to be aware of the things he says and how its said and how it may make people feel.

He is also saying this thing where he is staying NEUTRAL... He makes us feel that we are saying things that make him say that to us. YET WE DON'T talk ill mannered about the BM or anything. It comes out of nowhere!!!! He knows we promote him and his sister to speak freely about their mother. We don't make faces we keep the convo. going to make them feel that they can talk freely about her without feeling guilty.

Not sure what to make of this, if anyone has been through the same please feel free to tell me how you handled... if not please feel free to  give me your opinion.

by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:17 PM
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by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:22 PM
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My oldest SS when he spends his weekend with his mom is always standoffish to us.  He feels he is "cheating" on her (for lack of better wording)...  He is 11.  He says that he feels "guilty" because he loves me.

Your SS (16) I think is doing this to punch your buttons to make you say something negative??? I told DH that when our ss's go into puberty (oldest one is I think) that I'm upping my medicine, cooking supper and retiring to my bedroom that HE can deal with it (we have them full time)... I cant handle it.. I dont know how I would react to what your son said.. it would break my heart!

I'm sorry he said that to you!

by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:44 PM

We do get the stand offish attitude also when he gets back from his moms. We have primary custody also. We try to give them at least a day to get settled in..It boggles my mind! My heart completly dropped when he said those things. I stayed up thinking about it the whole night and what I could say to him, to tell ya the truth I needed a time out cause I was either going to cry or go mad. Instead I acted like it didn't phase me and let his dad handle it. If I was to say something to him the chance of him holding a grudge is in play. He wont hold a grudge towards his father. His father can handle him better and I can handle the SD better. I thought about it for a whole night and then spoke to his dad on how he thinks we should handle the situation. He said I will have a talk with him. It resulted the SS crying. I don't know if it's a combination of the stress of BM possibly talking in his ear or what! He bottles things up, will not talk about how he feels. But when he needs advise or to tell us something he got in trouble with he runs to me and his father, me more so! He is a closed shell! Which also breaks our heart cause I think the divorce has cause him to be that way, and I don't wish any child to deal with that! SD she is fine she just wishes BM and BM's Family would get over it and move on. She has her days of course.

I just don't understand when things like this pop up what to do or how to handle, accept go silent and think about it! i dont want to put on the front that it is ok to say and be that way towards me. I also know his attitude is not just with me though you know. Not sure what to think but feel stressed with it!

by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:37 PM

ok two things. First, when he said that about the lego's, he meant in the very beginning. When he first began to like you, it was when you bought him lego's. That makes perfect sense. Kids love presents. You bought him lego's, so he took to you. Wha'ts wrong with that?

Second, how do you feel about his mother? Do you harbor ill feelings toward her, or do you have a low amount of respect for her? If so, he has picked up on that. That's what he means by wanting to stay neutral. Again, that makes perfect sense.

by on May. 2, 2013 at 12:25 PM

I understand where you are coming from.

I am pretty sure I didnt take him wrong when he said it. Event leading up to the convo. is what I mean when I say that! We were watching some teenage daughter on Army Wives go crazy on her step- mom and thats what lead him into saying I wouldn't take it either if I was her, especially from somone who looks like she could be my sister. So I know I didnt take it wrong. I felt he was saying I bought his love. I also told him I didnt buy his love and he stated you practically did.. So right there gives the indication I didnt take wrong.

Also, I DO NOT show any ill feeling towards his BM around him, Even though I cant stand her. I do not wince when her name comes up. I act as if it was normal conversation. I encourage it. I even tell him to call or text his mom when he gets chances. I am just wondering if it isn't his age being 16.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

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