Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

S/o:At what point does time involved start to count?

Posted by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:47 PM
  • 71 Replies
1 mom liked this
I just read a post about a sm asking about walking with ss at senior night.
Some of the responses included basically "a year isn't long enough to be included." (Sorry for the misquote, just a rough translation!!)

So I was wondering... At what point- IF EVER- is someone in a child's life long enough to earn that privilege? Is there a magic age the child needs to be when sm comes around? Or is it a length of involvement thing?? Does the CO and how often the child is around the sm matter?

Not trying to start a huge debate, just wondering what others thought...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 5:53 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm going to throw out a rough answer of 10 years.

But it depends on a lot of factors.

1. What is the policy for having "extra" parents (stepparents) on the field. 

2. How  involved has Mom been all along? does she call, facebook chat, skype, does she attend meetings with teachers? email teachers regularly? Get copies of report cards?

3. Does the mom mind that the SM comes with them on the field?

4. What does the child want?

5. why is the mom noncustodial? Did she give custody to dad for some good reason? Such as, dad lives in a town with a better school system, for example. 

....ClvrScn.
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:01 PM
In my opinion. If you come into a child's life when they are 14 - 15 + you're probably not going to be involved in those types of events. They are almost "raised" at that point and you ( general ) weren't involved in that

Then again, I don't have teens so I could be wrong
rache71
by Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:07 PM
Probably depends on the age of child when the relationship started. And the relationship with bm and the schild. Technically I have 2 sd. One is 18 and just became a mom herself. The other is 2. I have known SO for 5 yrs, dated for almost 2. Getting married in a month. I see myself more as a friend to sd18 then mom. I have no illusions of helping her with her wedding etc. (Unless asked) Sd2 is a different story. I'm the only mom she has ever known. (bm is not involved in her life at all....her choice) I don't see any activity I do with her as overstepping.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:14 PM
2 moms liked this

There is no magic age if the parents are in the kids lives.  No length of time earns a SP the "Right" to do something instead of or with a parent unless the parents are fine with it.

aeELE
by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:20 PM
3 moms liked this
When the step child(ren) wants you to.
That's all that really matters IMO. They decide when your bond is that important for them to share milestones :)
Provides you want it back, that is...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 6:23 PM

I think it depends on the situation really. I can totally get that teens might not include a SP in things, but I'm sure there are situations where a SP comes into a teens life and over a year or so they develop this amazing bond (most likely cause 'SP is the only one who understands me' type thing), with the kid wanting the SP there.

At that age, I would expect the child to be able to articulate who they want at those events. At my senior night, I included my mom and SF as my parents. No mention of my BF and SM (who were non-existent in my life). That was how things worked for me, but SF had been in my life since I was 4, so roughly 14 years at the time.

I've been in SS11's life for around 8 years now and at this point, he just expects me to attend things for him. I've been doing it for so long that there really isn't any asking, he just knows I will be there. In fact, he has went so far as to volunteer me to do things at school (I come and paint faces at Halloween).

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:00 PM
1 mom liked this
For something like a graduation walk, I would imagine it would only be appropriate if the stepparent helped raised the child throughout their school life.... At least from elementary on.

Or maybe it depends on the bond of the child and the SP...

Hmmm... So many factors could contribute to this...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:05 PM
5 moms liked this

 Longer than a year!

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:09 PM
3 moms liked this

There isn't a set amount of time since every situation is different.  

Look at it this way - when you graduate from HS you are 17 or 18.  Mom put in 17 or 18 years to get to walk her own chlld on the field.

dawnnamarie
by Silver Member on Apr. 22, 2013 at 7:11 PM
Thank you. I started thinking when she asked that question. Df and I automatically just do that stuff with him (he's only 4, so for now it's doing firsts, preschool graduation, etc- nothing too serious!!)

We always offer to bm, but it usually seems like she doesn't really care to be there.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I'm going to throw out a rough answer of 10 years.

But it depends on a lot of factors.

1. What is the policy for having "extra" parents (stepparents) on the field. 

2. How  involved has Mom been all along? does she call, facebook chat, skype, does she attend meetings with teachers? email teachers regularly? Get copies of report cards?

3. Does the mom mind that the SM comes with them on the field?

4. What does the child want?

5. why is the mom noncustodial? Did she give custody to dad for some good reason? Such as, dad lives in a town with a better school system, for example. 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN