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DH is jealous of DS (his SS) - WWYD?

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 2:52 PM
  • 37 Replies

DH and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2.5. My son is almost 15.  DH doesn't like DS, he's not mean to him, but he doesn't try to bond with him like he used to when we first got together.  He criticizes him a lot, for example, DS has horrible allergies, nose bleeds, sinus infections, but no fever.  This week he's missed 3 days of school.  DH said (to me), "he needs to man up and go to school, he doesn't have a fever".  He says he's playing me.  He's not, he's got a sore throat (a red throat), and a red ear.  He says I baby him.

I don't think I do.  I treat my DD, my DS, and his SD the same way.  I do for one like I do for the other two.  I don't discipline SD (he has custody, she doesn't visit her mom).  (All 3 are teenagers)  He disciplines and praises my SD, and criticizes my two kids.  He doesn't see it this way.

Another example, I asked DS to come lay on the couch with me and watch a movie.  He did, and DH came in and said, "You're too old to be snuggling with your mom".  Just the week before SD was laying on the couch watching tv with DH (she's older than DS).     

This Monday I went to SD's cheer parent meeting by myself because he was on 2nd shift.  He would never do this for one of my kids, if I couldn't go to a game or a meeting, he just wouldn't go either. 

I've tried to talk to him about it, he just gets defensive and shuts down.  He won't go to therapy.  I want to shelter my kids from this, DD can't wait to get out of the house, and I know DS will be the same when he gets older. 

Any suggestions?

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 2:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 2:58 PM
3 moms liked this
Leave him...
Rae706
by Silver Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't normally rush into telling someone to leave their spouse, but if he refuses to even have a real conversation about this, your kids are your first responsibility. 

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:04 PM
I kind of agree with him about the school thing but that's how I was raised. He probably has a different set of standards for a boy vs a girl. Happens a lot. You can't expect him to love your kids the same as he loves his. I probably wouldn't show up to one of SD's games if DH wasn't going to be there.

I totally don't get the jealousy part at all.
Panda113
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:09 PM
Maybe both of you are looking at your respective kids with rose colored glasses? I'd re-evaluate my expectations before I did anything. If you resent the stuff you do for SD, stop doing it.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:13 PM

Is marriage counseling an option?  That might help guide the dialogue along without it turning into a fight.  You both may hear some things that are tough but at least it would be coming from an independent third party.

Personally, the snuggling on the couch w/ your 15YO does seem creepy to me.  If I was home and DH invited his 15YO daughter to snuggle with him on the couch, I'd be a little creeped out.  They're very close and very affectionate, but that's just too much (to me)

As for doing things for the kids, you guys need to find something that works for all but I really think a counselor would be your best bet.

sleeblended
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:15 PM

 I don't expect him to love my kids the way he loves his, but I expect him to treat them better than he is.  They are invisible to him unless they are doing something wrong. 

If I stop doing stuff for SD because I resent that he doesn't do it for my kids, who does that hurt?  Not him, it only hurts SD.  That doesn't seem right to me, she's not doing anything wrong. 

I just want him treat them the way I treat SD.  Do for them, praise them when they do right, and let me do the punishment.  And keep his mouth shut on the criticizing.  Oh, he let DH stay home from school today because it was Take your kid to school day.  So she stayed at home. 

sleeblended
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:17 PM

 He won't do counseling.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:19 PM

You gave examples with your DS, but what about your DD?

The two specific examples you gave with your DS suggest your DH thinks he needs to start manning up.  They also suggest you do baby him.  At 15, if he's not sick, I would expect him to suck it up and go to school.  And I also find it weird that he snuggles with you.  I had two older brothers, neither of whom were ever snuggly with our mom into their teens.  Their affection was typical rough boy affection, bear hugs individually or crushing her in between them and occasionally picking her up.  But no snuggling.  But maybe that's a cultural difference.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:21 PM

Even if he won't do counseling, you can go by yourself.

Do you think that maybe you are being hyper sensitive and that maybe you're just letting your kids get away with stuff?  Is it possible that the kids don't seem to notice/care at all?  

With regards to your 15YO and the allergies, I too would have made him go to school. You don't get to miss 3 days of school in a week for a chronic allergy issue that can be treated.  Take him to the doctor, get him on appropriate allergy meds?  That would make more sense to me.  Perhaps he is milking it a bit and your DH sees this?  We're all being hit with allergies in this area lately but we don't miss work for it.  <shrugs>

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:24 PM
2 moms liked this

seriously he's pulling the same shit he's accusing you of....smack him upside the head-tell HIM TO MAN UP.

You're allowed to do for your children. If my dh told my daughter she couldn't snuggle with me-id tell him to fck off.

And define snuggling-there are times the kids just sit on the couch with me-and then there are times they are sitting in my lap or laying on me (esp sd11)


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