Ok, So the reason I am here on this website is because I have become desperate in my attempts to handle the situation I have gotten into. I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We are both active duty military (Corpsmen) and have both been in for a couple (me) to several (him) tours. We both have middle east deployments under our belt and have had a tremendous experience with life. We have been there to support eachother through our worst PTSD moments (his for War related trauma, mine for personal) and have brought eachother out of some of the worst depressions in our lives. We had a very rough patch in the beginning where I was demanding alot of him and he just simply wasn't providing. So we were both two different, and negative spectrums. But the one thing that has kept us in eachother's minds and consideration to continue this relationship is that we both treat eachother like king and queen. There is never any domestic violence, nor emotional abuse. We both attempt to cherish eachother and be there for eachother at all times, especially when either one of us is down. As far as the relationship side of the house....we're battin' a thousand.
Then there is his 5 year old son, ex wife, and mother. My boyfriend had his son just following his first tour to Iraq (he's had two Iraq tours and one Afghanistan tour). He was previously married for 3 years and divorced for just about two years when we got together...which might I add, was a nasty divorce leaving him in the mud. However, I am a firm believer that there are always two sides to a story. With the bad taste that he left in my mouth about his ex-wife, I still tried to see things from her perspective until I met his son and really got to know my boyfriend's mother.
I'll start with my boyfriend....he is a 27 year old mama's boy who grew up as the spitting image of his father and the favored child. He has two siblings, who on occassion, have mentioned to me that he has been know to be very self fullfilling and illuded to the fact that there is a fair amount of resentment towards him...yet they claim to be a close family. I can still understand this because I am an older sibling myself....and I understand that "no one talks about my little brother but me!" mentality. He has been literally caudled in every possible way in life. The guy could barely keep himself kept together, let alone anyone else's life in his hands....except for his job as a Hospital Corpsman. Now, I do keep in mind that he was a Grunt Corpsman for 7 years.....bad habits die hard. But coming from the middle class family that he does, I expect higher of how he keeps him self in life.
His mother, I get along with, but she always seems like she is talking behind someone's back. I tred lightly with her. She always find an excuse for why her son is deficient as a parent other than the fact that, he just simply sucks at being a parent. I get that, she's his mom....but for Christ sake he is 27 years old with 3 combat tours under his belt. Stop treating him like a baby!!! (which I have told her face to face a couple times with much more tact).
The son. The 5 year old son is the product of a broken home. He is incredible starved for attention and about as willing to work for it as a fat guy eating potato chips on the couch. He literally cries over EVERYTHING, doesn't know how to speak proper english (appropriate for his age level), never wants to work at anything (i.e. he isn't a parent pleaser), has commented about how he "wants to die", doesn't know where he is going to sleep when he is with his mother (and has verbalized this), and is about as annoying as denis the menice. It takes alot of restraint for me not to smack this kids bottom on a regular basis, as I know if I had a child in a divorced relationship, I wouldn't want some strange woman laying a hand on my kid. Now...if there was an established understanding, then a step parent spank here and there doesn't bother me.
The ex wife is several years younger than my boyfriend and I. She was pregnant at 19, got married because it would benefit her, then divorced my boyfriend when he was in Iraq the second time. She is a clinical narcissist who literally uses everyone she comes across. She broke up with her boyfriend of over 2 years (wait....how long had they been divorced by the time this happened?...oh right...if you catch my drift) because he was a "loser who would never amount to anything" yet she has been in college for 7 years "taking core credits", gets 1300 in child support, and doesn't work. ALL IN ALL SHE IS A GOLD DIGGER.
Then there is me...an at times over bearing go getter. I come from a family that had it's fair share of life shattering issues, but we face to face work through them. I think my parents and I have had more life altering fights in the past year than most families have in a life time. BUT we work through them. We say our bit and it's resolved. I also come from a very equal house hold where women and men work side by side as equals and share domestic and professional roles together. So I am very used to a strong, yet compassionate and passionate about being a dad type of man. My familly moves the world for eachother hands down. Not a lot of people like us because of our lack of fear to project our opinions when asked, but we are a very well oiled machine together.
So how does this all tie together? Well my boyfriend and I care very deeply for one another and can see a marital future together. My parents recognizes the things I see as flaws in him, but feel as a whole, he is a wonderful guy and would make a great addition to the family if he gets it together about being a father. Essentially, we have two completely different family didactics that we are trying to combined. I come from a family where togetherness and one on one experiences are the foundation....my boyfriend comes from a family where they raise the children with TV and iPads...and very little male ineraction with the children, let alone equality amongst the sexes. Don't get me wrong, he has made tremendous attempts to adapt to my lifestyle and I have made compromises about certain traditions as well. It's just his complete lack of interest in his child bothers me greatly....especially since the moments I mentioned above where the 5 year old spoke of wanting to die....I was there for, not him. Likewise, his son drives me insane...so much so that I don't like the boy. I don't know if I am projecting my resentment towards my boyfriend on the child or if the child and I just have two conflicting personalities.....which I find hard to believe him only being 5.
Please help...ANY advice. I am a big girl...I can take the critisizm.