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The Blind Leading the Blind

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:42 PM
  • 11 Replies

Sigh.

Ok, So the reason I am here on this website is because I have become desperate in my attempts to handle the situation I have gotten into. I have been in my relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We are both active duty military (Corpsmen) and have both been in for a couple (me) to several (him) tours. We both have middle east deployments under our belt and have had a tremendous experience with life. We have been there to support eachother through our worst PTSD moments (his for War related trauma, mine for personal) and have brought eachother out of some of the worst depressions in our lives. We had a very rough patch in the beginning where I was demanding alot of him and he just simply wasn't providing. So we were both two different, and negative spectrums. But the one thing that has kept us in eachother's minds and consideration to continue this relationship is that we both treat eachother like king and queen. There is never any domestic violence, nor emotional abuse. We both attempt to cherish eachother and be there for eachother at all times, especially when either one of us is down.  As far as the relationship side of the house....we're battin' a thousand.

Then there is his 5 year old son, ex wife, and mother.  My boyfriend had his son just following his first tour to Iraq (he's had two Iraq tours and one Afghanistan tour). He was previously married for 3 years and divorced for just about two years when we got together...which might I add, was a nasty divorce leaving him in the mud. However, I am a firm believer that there are always two sides to a story. With the bad taste that he left in my mouth about his ex-wife, I still tried to see things from her perspective until I met his son and really got to know my boyfriend's mother. 

I'll start with my boyfriend....he is a 27 year old mama's boy who grew up as the spitting image of his father and the favored child. He has two siblings, who on occassion, have mentioned to me that he has been know to be very self fullfilling and illuded to the fact that there is a fair amount of resentment towards him...yet they claim to be a close family. I can still understand this because I am an older sibling myself....and I understand that "no one talks about my little brother but me!" mentality. He has been literally caudled in every possible way in life. The guy could barely keep himself kept together, let alone anyone else's life in his hands....except for his job as a Hospital Corpsman. Now, I do keep in mind that he was a Grunt Corpsman for 7 years.....bad habits die hard. But coming from the middle class family that he does, I expect higher of how he keeps him self in life.

His mother, I get along with, but she always seems like she is talking behind someone's back. I tred lightly with her. She always find an excuse for why her son is deficient as a parent other than the fact that, he just simply sucks at being a parent. I get that, she's his mom....but for Christ sake he is 27 years old with 3 combat tours under his belt. Stop treating him like a baby!!! (which I have told her face to face a couple times with much more tact).

The son. The 5 year old son is the product of a broken home. He is incredible starved for attention and about as willing to work for it as a fat guy eating potato chips on the couch. He literally cries over EVERYTHING, doesn't know how to speak proper english (appropriate for his age level), never wants to work at anything (i.e. he isn't a parent pleaser), has commented about how he "wants to die", doesn't know where he is going to sleep when he is with his mother (and has verbalized this), and is about as annoying as denis the menice. It takes alot of restraint for me not to smack this kids bottom on a regular basis, as I know if I had a child in a divorced relationship, I wouldn't want some strange woman laying a hand on my kid. Now...if there was an established understanding, then a step parent spank here and there doesn't bother me.

The ex wife is several years younger than my boyfriend and I. She was pregnant at 19, got married because it would benefit her, then divorced my boyfriend when he was in Iraq the second time. She is a clinical narcissist who literally uses everyone she comes across. She broke up with her boyfriend of over 2 years (wait....how long had they been divorced by the time this happened?...oh right...if you catch my drift) because he was a "loser who would never amount to anything" yet she has been in college for 7 years "taking core credits", gets 1300 in child support, and doesn't work.  ALL IN ALL SHE IS A GOLD DIGGER.

Then there is me...an at times over bearing go getter. I come from a family that had it's fair share of life shattering issues, but we face to face work through them. I think my parents and I have had more life altering fights in the past year than most families have in a life time. BUT we work through them. We say our bit and it's resolved. I also come from a very equal house hold where women and men work side by side as equals and share domestic and professional roles together.  So I am very used to a strong, yet compassionate  and passionate about being a dad type of man. My familly moves the world for eachother hands down. Not a lot of people like us  because of our lack of fear to project our opinions when asked, but we are a very well oiled machine together.

So how does this all tie together? Well my boyfriend and I care very deeply for one another and can see a marital future together. My parents recognizes the things I see as flaws in him, but feel as a whole, he is a wonderful guy and would make a great addition to the family if he gets it together about being a father.  Essentially, we have two completely different family didactics that we are trying to combined. I come from a family where togetherness and one on one experiences are the foundation....my boyfriend comes from a family where they raise the children with TV and iPads...and very little male ineraction with the children,  let alone equality amongst the sexes.  Don't get me wrong, he has made tremendous attempts to adapt to my lifestyle and I have made compromises about certain traditions as well.  It's just his complete lack of interest in his child bothers me greatly....especially since the moments I mentioned above where the 5 year old spoke of wanting to die....I was there for, not him.  Likewise, his son drives me insane...so much so that I don't like the boy. I don't know if I am projecting my resentment towards my boyfriend on the child or if the child and I just have two conflicting personalities.....which I find hard to believe him only being 5.

Please help...ANY advice. I am a big girl...I can take the critisizm.

by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
twinklebites
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:49 PM

They have marriage work shop/retreats on most Naval installations those can help tremendously. Being married is hard being dual Active duty is hard and combining families can be hard go in to a marrige on the same page will help tremendously.

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:52 PM
Why are you still there?
GlassSlipper
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:53 PM

Yeah, I know about the marriage retreats and all that. Fortunately for me I've been an LPO and had to give all these briefs to my junior sailors. My biggest question is, is it worth it in our situation. It is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's not the relationship that is the issue.....it's my connection with the child, where I stand, and how to get my boyfriend to be a more involved father.

twinklebites
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 3:58 PM

 

I have been in the Navy for 18 years and an LPO several times, never have I given a marriage brief as neither you or I are qualified for that ., even if you are a mental health Tech. You cant make him be a good Dad nor should you. I am wondering how a half ass Dad looks like a good future for you? and if you dont care/like his kid why does he want you around?

 


 

Quoting GlassSlipper:

Yeah, I know about the marriage retreats and all that. Fortunately for me I've been an LPO and had to give all these briefs to my junior sailors. My biggest question is, is it worth it in our situation. It is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It's not the relationship that is the issue.....it's my connection with the child, where I stand, and how to get my boyfriend to be a more involved father.


 

CodeBlue
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 4:04 PM

Wow! Ok, so lots going.  First, I will thank you and your man for your service.  I'm an Army brat - I get how tough life can be when you're in that setting.  I think you have lots going on right now and I'm going to break it down a little more simply.

1.  Mama's Boy.

This is an easy fix for you.  Do nothing! Any perceived boundary crossing by MIL can be ignored by you.  The thing is, you are more than welcome to tell your BF that he needs to put some boundaries up with his mom, but HE has to do them.  Not only are you not married (in which I would say your priorities definitely come before mom's), but if YOU try to tell his mom she needs to back off and let him grow up - that will cause resentment between you and her...And then? Honestly, he's just going from mama's boy to girlfiriend's boy - because you are fighting his fight for him.  So. Let him know that you don't appreciate whatever it is that his mom is doing, and then he needs to handle it from there.

#2. Child 

What is the custody situation? What do you mean by your BF not being involved? Does he spend any time with his son? If he gets visitation, who watches him if he does not?  

My first thought is that if you want children of your own (?), it would be a bad idea to have them with a man who is uninvolved/uninterested in his first child.   Second, if you are the one watching him when he gets visitation, it's time to stop.  Perhaps this is where his mom steps in?? I don't have an answer for that one.  If you have told him how you feel, and he is unwilling to change, it is probably time to evaluate if you'll be ok with his attitudes and behaviors for the rest of your life. I will say that it is very concerning that he doesn't care that his child said he wanted to die. 

3. Biomom

 You didn't say a lot about BM except that she's a gold digger, but I am willing to bet that many of the problems you have with BM are actually your boyfriend's problems.  Let him deal with her, and don't you worry about her at ALL. 

GlassSlipper
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 4:07 PM

No no no, I don't mean I've been giving marriage briefs. I mean I've given then briefs of where to find resources for that. Trust me, I can't even get MY relationship down, no way in heck I'm going to flat out tell someone how to correct theirs. I don't even say "you should" when my advice is asked. I simply say it is in my opinion or in those shoes I may choose to do.....

The uninvolved father does NOT look like a good future for me....but all of the everything else that he provides to and for me as a partner could provide a wonderful future. 

He doesn't know my real feelings about his child. I don't really think that would be an appropriate topic to say "I hate your kid". I also play the role of what I feel any standard adult figure ina child's life....considering the role, should do: implement proper hygein, instill rules and standards, make nourishing lunches, come up with together time ideas...ect.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 4:37 PM
First - thank you for your service
Second - you can not make a man be a father or a woman be a mother. They are who they are. You either accept he is the way he is, or you move on. You say he was raised to be how he is. Nothing is going to change something that has been engrained in him for 27 years. You won't be able to change his child either. He has a full time mom and she is raising him. You won't be able to do much about that either. He likely won't stop being annoying to you because it usually only gets worse. Following with resentment.
If this were me, I would acknowledge that there are many men in the world and I would find another. Your complaints are valid and I would have the same feelings. But you have to realize, no matter how much you try to make him be the kind of father you were raised by, he never will be.
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twinklebites
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 4:39 PM

 

Ok I am probably being blunt but think of this scenario. You do get married have some kids then you deploy he stays home with the kids .Do you trust him to ensure their well being? What kind of kids will you come home to? BF and I were divorced previous to that I though the was a good Dad. I deployed to Afghanistan  I came home my kids were wild and disrespectful some of the changes were age related but some were not. He is the Dad he is he can change but only if he wants to .and it doesn't sound like he does. Or has he said anything to make you think he does?

Quoting GlassSlipper:

No no no, I don't mean I've been giving marriage briefs. I mean I've given then briefs of where to find resources for that. Trust me, I can't even get MY relationship down, no way in heck I'm going to flat out tell someone how to correct theirs. I don't even say "you should" when my advice is asked. I simply say it is in my opinion or in those shoes I may choose to do.....

The uninvolved father does NOT look like a good future for me....but all of the everything else that he provides to and for me as a partner could provide a wonderful future. 

He doesn't know my real feelings about his child. I don't really think that would be an appropriate topic to say "I hate your kid". I also play the role of what I feel any standard adult figure ina child's life....considering the role, should do: implement proper hygein, instill rules and standards, make nourishing lunches, come up with together time ideas...ect.


 

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 5:59 PM
Dude, you are a year in. If YOU want your own kids in the future, you should probably rethink a relationship with a shitty parent. It won't change because its your kid. You are not that far into things that you could easily get out.

Marriage/relationships take work but they shouldn't be a chore or an endurance race is misery. Being in the military together really promotes a false sense of connectedness which, in turn, kind of amplifies the sense of love you have. Once you get out, everything changes. My military marriage was over (he also had PTSD) about 2 years after we entered the civilian world. Trust me, out of that shared scope or stationed apart, you can lose that sense of connectedness and get over him real fast.
Panda113
by Bronze Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:02 PM
Plus, the only way a blended family situation works out well is if the bio parent really steps up and actually parents. From the sound of it, that is not ever going to happen. You will assume parenting activities through his inaction and resent the hell out of both of them.
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