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Lost in a Kinda-Stepmom Life

Posted by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 5:43 PM
  • 13 Replies
My name is Meggan and I am 26 years old I have been with my boyfriend for just about 2 years. He has two beautiful smart little girls from a previous marriage. We have them full time, sometimes I get very frustrated and I am not sure how to handle everything. Emma is 8 and smart and funny, but has no manners and I feel very unsure on how to get her to listen to me and I don't want to cross a line that is not mine to cross. Ella is 4 and silly and stubborn and in the "why?" phase. Ella is a little easier to deal with as far as correcting her. But again I do not want to cross a line that is not mine to cross. I love these girls to death, as far as I am concerned when it comes to them and me, even if we don't share DNA. I would do anything for them and help them with anything that they need. I feel completely lost sometimes, like I don't matter to them and by no means do I want to or expect to ever replace their mom. But I don't know what to do. I try to talk to my other half about it but I'm not sure he understands. I feel like breaking down and crying. Any tips or help would be greatly appreciated.
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 5:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 6:14 PM
2 moms liked this

Well.... What is your boyfriend's expectation of your role?  Have ya'll discussed behavior and how he feels about your correcting them?  You really need to follow his lead, but that's not possible if you don't know what boundaries you're operating within.  Ya'll need to be on the same page, and he has to have your back (and you his) if they're going to respect you even in the most minor requests or corrections.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 25, 2013 at 8:39 PM
1 mom liked this

You and your boyfriend just need to make sure you're both on the same page. The girls will show more respect and listen to you if your boyfriend backs you up. You sound a lot like I did in the beginning....I would recommend counseling for guys before you consider getting married. Becoming step mom is a lot to think about."Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin if you're into reading.

kimkrys1
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 12:21 PM

Dont go in with grand ideas and try to change their world and think its gonna work.  Because it wont.  Dont make the mistake of losing yourself (which I think you have already by your title).  You are a seperate entity.  You call your SO "boyfriend" are you two going to get married? Has he proposed? If he hasnt proposed and you arent living together quit stressing about the future and just "be there" be their friend right now.  Even if you are his fiance be their friend.  You and bf are still getting to know each other (a relationship goes alot different if children are involved).  Let dad handle the difficult stuff.

I say all of this because I was "super woman" when I met my DH.  I was gonna save his and his boys world!!! I had the Big S and everything!  I was going to be their saving grace and show them that I could handle it all and make everything "better".  WRONG!!! I was dealing with hurt broken hearts (all 3 of em!).  DH just lost his wife had full custody of two small boys one didnt even remember his mom the other had hopes of DH and BM getting back together but then I showed up! I should have came in quietly not like a big ole happy tornado shooting rainbows out of my butt.  

Dont try to save their world.  Just try to exist in it and understand. And you and DH need to have serious conversations about what he wants out of you and what you want as well... as I said dont lose yourself.. I have lost my identity and its not fun.

LNLMommy
by Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 1:18 PM

 I say make sure you and your SO are on the same page as far as parenting and what his expectations of you are. Are the kids still seeing the BM on a regular basis? That has a lot to do with your role, IMO. My DH and I have the same expectations that when his kids are over, I treat them just like I treat my own kids. On certain issues, I tread lightly because I don't want to overstep my boundaries but for the most part, I parent them just as I parent my three. They know my expectations and I am very strict when it comes to manners, respect, and education. It will take some adjustments but I will caution to be careful you are not taken advantage of. They shouldn't run over you just because you are not their mother and they should respect you.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 2:46 PM

I guess one thing to keep in mind is that they're little kids and you're a grownup.  You might feel frustrated, unprepared, confused, etc, which is understandable.  But don't lose sight of the fact that they may have a lot of those same feelings with regards to not seeing their mom and such.

As far as manners, like the other ladies said, you and your BF have to be on the same page.  What are HIS expectations and, if he's not present, how does he want you to handle things? 


awsmnss26
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:57 PM

I dealt with the same thing. The girls are always harder than the boys. 

It may sound silly but you need to sit them down and talk to them as if they were tiny adults (but of course in words they can understand) and let them know how you feel and what you need them to do. You care about them very much and want them to help you get to know them better. So that you can be a happy family.

It does get easier and they do warm up to you. When I came into the family the youngest was 7 and the other girl was 10 they acted the same.

BioNerd
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 8:00 AM

 It sounds like Dad needs to be stepping in and handling the corrections.

How much is "full time"? Where is BM? How often does she see the girls?

stepdiva
by Silver Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 6:53 PM
1 mom liked this
This is good advice. I have also lost a piece of who I am in this role.


Quoting kimkrys1:

Dont go in with grand ideas and try to change their world and think its gonna work.  Because it wont.  Dont make the mistake of losing yourself (which I think you have already by your title).  You are a seperate entity.  You call your SO "boyfriend" are you two going to get married? Has he proposed? If he hasnt proposed and you arent living together quit stressing about the future and just "be there" be their friend right now.  Even if you are his fiance be their friend.  You and bf are still getting to know each other (a relationship goes alot different if children are involved).  Let dad handle the difficult stuff.

I say all of this because I was "super woman" when I met my DH.  I was gonna save his and his boys world!!! I had the Big S and everything!  I was going to be their saving grace and show them that I could handle it all and make everything "better".  WRONG!!! I was dealing with hurt broken hearts (all 3 of em!).  DH just lost his wife had full custody of two small boys one didnt even remember his mom the other had hopes of DH and BM getting back together but then I showed up! I should have came in quietly not like a big ole happy tornado shooting rainbows out of my butt.  

Dont try to save their world.  Just try to exist in it and understand. And you and DH need to have serious conversations about what he wants out of you and what you want as well... as I said dont lose yourself.. I have lost my identity and its not fun.


stepdiva
by Silver Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Can I just say, with all due respect, that if bf isn't on the same page as you-run like hell if you can't reach an agreement.
With no bm in the picture, you and he need to talk.


Quoting LNLMommy:

 I say make sure you and your SO are on the same page as far as parenting and what his expectations of you are. Are the kids still seeing the BM on a regular basis? That has a lot to do with your role, IMO. My DH and I have the same expectations that when his kids are over, I treat them just like I treat my own kids. On certain issues, I tread lightly because I don't want to overstep my boundaries but for the most part, I parent them just as I parent my three. They know my expectations and I am very strict when it comes to manners, respect, and education. It will take some adjustments but I will caution to be careful you are not taken advantage of. They shouldn't run over you just because you are not their mother and they should respect you.


shanlee42
by Silver Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 11:49 PM
I agree with the other ladies. If dad doesn't back you up, it will be a hard road for you.
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