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We're going to handle this by preparing for the worst...

Posted by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:57 AM
  • 20 Replies
BM was put in jail yesterday afternoon for a probation violation and is currently being held indefinitely. (Information from the jail this morning) She's on felony probation, and it's supposed to work where if she violates, even once, even for something stupid and miniscule, she is supposed to have to serve out her entire probation in the penitentiary... Which would be a whopping 5 years. We have primary custody of SS (who will be about 11 when she gets out if she has to do the time), and currently have guardianship of X (BM's youngest son and SS's half brother)... We agreed to take X while she found a job and place to live, etc... This may sound horrible but I didn't sign up taking her youngest that long. DH and I have discussed it... we have innocently opened a line of communication to X's BF and in if in fact BM gets sent to prison, we will take care of X, and walk his BF through the process of proving paternity with the courts (he's not on the birth certificate) and once he's been granted parental rights we will give his son to him. We don't want X to go to the state especially if he has a BP that's willing to raise him... I just feel kind of guilty about handing X over to BF when I know that BM will have a hard time getting him back when she's done with all her time (if she has to serve the 5 years X will be 8 when she gets out...) Is this wrong for us to be making these plans for the worst possible outcome?
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 1:01 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't know... Is X's dad decent? Will he take proper care of the child? Will he allow your SS to maintain a relationship with his brother? Why hasn't the dad made any effort in the last 3 years to establish paternity and get some type of visitation?

I mean, I guess I understand that you didn't sign up for having this kid forever, or even 5 full years, but you did agree to care for him. Is sending him off with a stranger who hasn't cared enough before now to be a parent REALLY in his best interest??

Tryshx
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 1:13 AM

X's dad is a good man.  He sent money to help raise and care for X until he realized that BM was giving it to her bf to buy computer stuff.  He's tried to be active in his son's life, but BM hasn't really allowed it.  X's dad is an immigrant (he's a proper citizen now, but still is relatively new to our country) and has little to no understanding of how the family court system works... I'm not even sure he knows he's not on the birth certificate.

He's asked to raise his son since he was born and BM would only allow him a rare and brief visit every now and then.  Honestly, X's dad is in a better position to care for his son than we are right now...

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't know... Is X's dad decent? Will he take proper care of the child? Will he allow your SS to maintain a relationship with his brother? Why hasn't the dad made any effort in the last 3 years to establish paternity and get some type of visitation?

I mean, I guess I understand that you didn't sign up for having this kid forever, or even 5 full years, but you did agree to care for him. Is sending him off with a stranger who hasn't cared enough before now to be a parent REALLY in his best interest??


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:14 AM
From the additional information, I think if the worst happens, BM deserves to have a fight in getting back X from his Dad.
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WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:17 AM
2 moms liked this

BM was on probation.  With that comes rules that she has to follow and that she is very well aware of.  If she does something to violate that probation then she's an idiot and deserves to go back to jail.  

What is her reasoning for keeping the kid from his Dad?  If she is just being difficult then I see nothing wrong with this man taking custody of his son.  If BM has a fight on her hands to get that child back after jail then maybe she shouldn't be doing things that get her sent to jail.

BioNerd
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:53 AM
1 mom liked this

 This is very true.

Honestly I do not feel that you guys are wrong in doing this. Keep us updated on the situation.

Quoting WifeyC:

BM was on probation.  With that comes rules that she has to follow and that she is very well aware of.  If she does something to violate that probation then she's an idiot and deserves to go back to jail.  

What is her reasoning for keeping the kid from his Dad?  If she is just being difficult then I see nothing wrong with this man taking custody of his son.  If BM has a fight on her hands to get that child back after jail then maybe she shouldn't be doing things that get her sent to jail.

 

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 7:57 AM

I actually feel sorry for BM (I think I vaguely remember why she is in jail), but speaking from the POV of what's best for the child, he should be with his father during these 5 years, unless he is unfit. I'm surprised he hasnt' filed a motion for custody.

Tryshx
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:20 AM

For a long time she had DH convinced that she'd already been granted sole custody of SS because be missed a court date... She very well may have convinced X's BF of the same thing. And on a side note I really don't think X's dad knew he could file for custody.... He's only been a citizen for like 4 years or something.  BF has no idea that BM doesn't even have X right now... I sent him a message on fb telling him that he could see X's spring break photos on my page to open the lines of communication...

Quoting whatIknownow:

I actually feel sorry for BM (I think I vaguely remember why she is in jail), but speaking from the POV of what's best for the child, he should be with his father during these 5 years, unless he is unfit. I'm surprised he hasnt' filed a motion for custody.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 9:22 AM
2 moms liked this


if he doesnt' even know where his own child is living, I'd have to question how good a father he is, and how interested he really is in his child.

still, it's possible he would be a better choice than foster care. 

Quoting Tryshx:

For a long time she had DH convinced that she'd already been granted sole custody of SS because be missed a court date... She very well may have convinced X's BF of the same thing. And on a side note I really don't think X's dad knew he could file for custody.... He's only been a citizen for like 4 years or something.  BF has no idea that BM doesn't even have X right now... I sent him a message on fb telling him that he could see X's spring break photos on my page to open the lines of communication...

Quoting whatIknownow:

I actually feel sorry for BM (I think I vaguely remember why she is in jail), but speaking from the POV of what's best for the child, he should be with his father during these 5 years, unless he is unfit. I'm surprised he hasnt' filed a motion for custody.




Tryshx
by on Apr. 27, 2013 at 10:00 AM

He lives out of state. X and BM went and visited him not too long ago, but BM asked us not to say anything to him since the situation was just supposed to be temporary.

Quoting whatIknownow:


if he doesnt' even know where his own child is living, I'd have to question how good a father he is, and how interested he really is in his child.

still, it's possible he would be a better choice than foster care. 

Quoting Tryshx:

For a long time she had DH convinced that she'd already been granted sole custody of SS because be missed a court date... She very well may have convinced X's BF of the same thing. And on a side note I really don't think X's dad knew he could file for custody.... He's only been a citizen for like 4 years or something.  BF has no idea that BM doesn't even have X right now... I sent him a message on fb telling him that he could see X's spring break photos on my page to open the lines of communication...

Quoting whatIknownow:

I actually feel sorry for BM (I think I vaguely remember why she is in jail), but speaking from the POV of what's best for the child, he should be with his father during these 5 years, unless he is unfit. I'm surprised he hasnt' filed a motion for custody.





Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 27, 2013 at 12:13 PM

How long has the child been with you? And why is anyone just now alerting this father that things aren't so good for his kid? 


Quoting Tryshx:

X's dad is a good man.  He sent money to help raise and care for X until he realized that BM was giving it to her bf to buy computer stuff.  He's tried to be active in his son's life, but BM hasn't really allowed it.  X's dad is an immigrant (he's a proper citizen now, but still is relatively new to our country) and has little to no understanding of how the family court system works... I'm not even sure he knows he's not on the birth certificate.

He's asked to raise his son since he was born and BM would only allow him a rare and brief visit every now and then.  Honestly, X's dad is in a better position to care for his son than we are right now...

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I don't know... Is X's dad decent? Will he take proper care of the child? Will he allow your SS to maintain a relationship with his brother? Why hasn't the dad made any effort in the last 3 years to establish paternity and get some type of visitation?

I mean, I guess I understand that you didn't sign up for having this kid forever, or even 5 full years, but you did agree to care for him. Is sending him off with a stranger who hasn't cared enough before now to be a parent REALLY in his best interest??




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